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Another thing you might want to do is spend some time thinking about why this man's ex-wife is such a mess. Clearly she wasn't a mess when they married, but today she is unable to care for her children. That should be a warning sign for anyone. How did she morph from a woman that he wanted to marry to a woman who is unable to cope with day to day responsibilities? Is it possible that her self-esteem was ground into the dirt to the extent that she is having difficulties pulling herself out of that hole? What happened in their relationship such that he is doing well, and she is not even thriving?
You do not want to become a woman who cannot cope with daily responsibilities. Regardless of what he says about his wife, common sense says that whatever problems she has today were not there when they were married.
You have made a good point. I believe they had some serious issues. I have seen text messages from her telling him that he is a very manipulative person and that she wishes she never met him. She became pregnant with their first child at 18. She had to grow up very quickly and they struggled financially for most of that time. She couldn't leave when she had 2 children. I don't think she is a bad person. I think she had a rough time. She joined the army when she was 25 and within months she left him. It appeared to me that once she got herself to a position where she had some independence financially, she left him. He has made himself seem like the victim of an unfaithful spouse. I am smarter than that. There are 2 sides to every story. She is now in a lesbian relationship. She is no longer in the army and seems to be enjoying her life. She has forgotten that the life she chose was to have 2 children. I don't know if she is making up for lost time or if she is trying to stabilize herself enough to come back for her children. I have been with him for a year and the entire time since she has left the army, she has not been able to keep a stable job. She lives in another state, so I don't really know too much. She seems to have a stable relationship with her female partner who is active military. I don't judge her and I don't think she is a bad person. However, I think her children need her, but she has chosen to leave them to dad. It's really sad, but they have a stable life with him. They have had a rough ride and I think this is the first time in a long time, life is smooth for them. I feel so guilty for what impact our relationship and the failure of it has had on them. I am no one to walk into their lives to impact them negatively. I know they are resilient and will persevere no matter the circumstance.
Gosh, I miss them so much. My heart aches for them.
Thank you. I woke up this morning feeling a little numb. I told myself after the Facebook situation, I wouldn't reactivate. I don't want to see what is going on in his life. I couldn't resist. I went back on. He posted a status saying, nothing is permanent...
I'm trying not to over analyze everything. He is not a person to post status' or even pictures. I don't know what to make of anything anymore. It doesn't do me any good looking at his Facebook. He made this decision and I don't see him changing his mind. I just hurting myself more by looking. I need to stop doing that.
I know after this numbness passes, there will sadness. Kind of preparing myself for that. I'm going to try to get some things done around the house. I feel like im treading water, but I need to be productive as I can when my spirit is lighter. Hopefully I can hang on to this for a little longer. I do wish I could talk to him, but I know it's not time. Maybe that time will never come
I'm hopeful and against all odds, I'm holding on to faith. We just need to take some time to renew. To change, to grow, and hopefully when the time is right, we will find our way back to eachother.
Divorce is permanent. "Nothing is permanent" sounds like bait. If he wants to change his mind, let him come to you. He might be enjoying the pattern of upsetting you, and then having you rekindle that relationship (most likely with another compromise your behalf each time) - it's an emotional rollercoaster that you don't want to ride. Stand your ground, keep your dignity. If he wants to come to you, he will. You can meet at a coffee shop where he can explain to you why he is so wishy washy. You can decide whether you want more of that wishy washiness in a relationship, or if you prefer someone who is more stable. Always operate from a position of strength. In this case, your strength is to not do what you have done in the past.
That and stop "hoping" you will find your way back each other. That may not even the best thing.
He didn't want that, and you still seem to be having trouble grasping that there were serious problems present.
The more you post, the more it sounds like you need therapy to overcome your emotional problems. This was not about having kids.
I am trying to be realistic. He did make a decision and it was a final decision. I have to respect that and move on. I know I cannot force someone to feel something they don't. What I express here on the board is what I hope for deep down inside, but I know that it isn't reality. I have a job and responsibilities. I can't live in this feeling forever. At some point or another, I have to move on. I accept his wishes and that is why I haven't acted on my emotions. I've let it go. I'm just hoping as the days pass, I will become stronger. This past week has been rocky. Ups and downs. Hopefully this week is better.
Divorce is permanent. "Nothing is permanent" sounds like bait. If he wants to change his mind, let him come to you. He might be enjoying the pattern of upsetting you, and then having you rekindle that relationship (most likely with another compromise your behalf each time) - it's an emotional rollercoaster that you don't want to ride. Stand your ground, keep your dignity. If he wants to come to you, he will. You can meet at a coffee shop where he can explain to you why he is so wishy washy. You can decide whether you want more of that wishy washiness in a relationship, or if you prefer someone who is more stable. Always operate from a position of strength. In this case, your strength is to not do what you have done in the past.
What you wrote in bold means so much to me. I stand by what I feel about my situation. My future is so important to me and its so important that I make the right decision. I have limited time. I don't have time to waste. I don't have room for error. I'm trying to keep my emotions under control. Whether the Facebook was bait or not, I know he knows I'm looking at it. It doesn't help me by looking at it. Like you said, I need to stand my ground and save dignity. I would be making the biggest mistake of I were to do what I always did anytime we had conflict. I can't take one for the team this time. My future depends on it.
You have made a good point. I believe they had some serious issues. I have seen text messages from her telling him that he is a very manipulative person and that she wishes she never met him. She became pregnant with their first child at 18. She had to grow up very quickly and they struggled financially for most of that time. She couldn't leave when she had 2 children. I don't think she is a bad person. I think she had a rough time. She joined the army when she was 25 and within months she left him. It appeared to me that once she got herself to a position where she had some independence financially, she left him. He has made himself seem like the victim of an unfaithful spouse. I am smarter than that. There are 2 sides to every story. She is now in a lesbian relationship. She is no longer in the army and seems to be enjoying her life. She has forgotten that the life she chose was to have 2 children. I don't know if she is making up for lost time or if she is trying to stabilize herself enough to come back for her children. I have been with him for a year and the entire time since she has left the army, she has not been able to keep a stable job. She lives in another state, so I don't really know too much. She seems to have a stable relationship with her female partner who is active military. I don't judge her and I don't think she is a bad person. However, I think her children need her, but she has chosen to leave them to dad. It's really sad, but they have a stable life with him. They have had a rough ride and I think this is the first time in a long time, life is smooth for them. I feel so guilty for what impact our relationship and the failure of it has had on them. I am no one to walk into their lives to impact them negatively. I know they are resilient and will persevere no matter the circumstance.
Gosh, I miss them so much. My heart aches for them.
Manipulative men always play the victim. They tell a big sad story about how they were so good to a wife, but no matter what, the wife was always being mean. If she went from being married with children to preferring a relationship with a woman, something sure changed!
As for the children, I have to agree with the comment upthread about dad making a huge mistake by introducing his children to a girlfriend without being certain that it was the real deal. Children who are exposed to a revolving door of dad's girlfriends (or mom's boyfriends) can develop emotional problems. Think of it like this: we don't introduce the person we're dating to our parents until we know that it's real. The same rule applies with children, except with more caution. If you are dating a man with children in the future, perhaps it's a good idea to remain out of the children's lives until there is a real future with the dad - for the sake of the children.
You say that, but you aren't taking steps that would help you, such as blocking him on Facebook.
There's no need to go through all the drama of deactivating your whole page when you can just block HIM and you won't be able to see ANYTHING he does there. He also won't be able to see what YOU post.
It would be the best thing for you, to stop picking the scab of your relationship, although I have a feeling that if he called you right now and said he changed his mind, you'd go running.
The best thing that will happen is the weekend will end and you can spend your days occupied at work instead of here rehashing it all.
Manipulative men always play the victim. They tell a big sad story about how they were so good to a wife, but no matter what, the wife was always being mean. If she went from being married with children to preferring a relationship with a woman, something sure changed!
As for the children, I have to agree with the comment upthread about dad making a huge mistake by introducing his children to a girlfriend without being certain that it was the real deal. Children who are exposed to a revolving door of dad's girlfriends (or mom's boyfriends) can develop emotional problems. Think of it like this: we don't introduce the person we're dating to our parents until we know that it's real. The same rule applies with children, except with more caution. If you are dating a man with children in the future, perhaps it's a good idea to remain out of the children's lives until there is a real future with the dad - for the sake of the children.
I agree, but not just for the sake of the children. The OP herself became overly attached to children who were not her own way too early. She stepped into the mother role and now grieves for the loss of the whole perceived "family", not just the man. He of course welcomed her help until she began to express desires of her own. Suddenly it wasn't so convenient for him.
OP, he used you. You had/have every right as a person and woman to voice your needs in a relationship, and you should stop blaming yourself for bringing it to an end. You are way too "giving", which makes you vulnerable to exploitation, manipulation, and abuse.
You could probably benefit from some counseling and reading on self esteem. You have a good job and good income and are a caring, intelligent woman. Learn to use this to your own advantage and don't let another man use you.
Lastly, take people at face value and believe what they show you in action and word. You cannot change anyone except yourself. And you cannot buy love by serving another's needs/desires at the cost of your own.
This is a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and come out happier on the other side! Good Luck
I am just wondering in a situation where a man has children, is it common for them to have more children at this stage or do they find themselves in relationships where their partner already has children or does not want children?
Some do, some don't. There is no rule of thumb for this. My sister's ex-hub had more kids long after he and my sister divorced. My niece and her half-brothers are something like 25 years apart in age.
Posting on this forum has been sort of like a therapy for me. I come here when I am feeling overwhelmed and I release all of my thoughts. I have been in somewhat of a depressive state because I didn't want to get up and get out. Today I woke up feeling a little better. I feel numb, which in my mind, is good. I'm not feeling the extreme sadness. Is it short lived? I don't know. Regardless, I was able to be productive today.
After readying through responses, I think a lot of you are right. I think I have to look deep within myself for the answers I'm searching for. There is a reason why I choose relationships like this. That is something I need to deal with. I need to recognize and change. I've always been too giving. I give so much of myself that I start to neglect myself when I should come first. If I don't take care of myself then I can't take care of anyone else. I would agree that I allow myself to be put in a position to be easily manipulated or used. To make matters worse, it is my choices in men. I chose men who take advantage of me. I don't think my ex is a bad person, but I think I put myself in a position where I made it very easy for him to manipulate me and neglect my needs. Once I started to voice my needs, he didn't want to deal with me anymore. I need to create balance in my life. I need to be able to learn how to put the needs of my own above anyone else's. I need to build the confidence to want more for myself. I can't achieve the life that I want if I don't fix things about myself that need fixing.
As for him, I need to let him go. I need to stop looking into the Facebook. I just need to separate myself from everything other than what is most important to me right now which is my work, my health, and my healing.
I don't think it's uncommon for a man to have children in his late 30's.
It's not. But if he doesn't want more kids (regardless of his age), that's neither here nor there. He doesn't want more kids. And from what you've described, it's very likely that if it weren't the kids issue, it would be something else. He doesn't sound like a likely candidate for a happily ever after, in general.
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That may not even the best thing.
