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Old 03-02-2016, 09:24 PM
 
2 posts, read 1,968 times
Reputation: 10

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Hello everyone. Well honestly I'm not sure exactly what answers/advice I'm looking for here but hopefully some of you may be able to shed some light on my situation. It may be a long post but I want to get as much detail in as I can. I'll put it into small paragraphs so it's easier to read.

I was in a long term serious relationship with a man who I really loved and saw myself marrying one day. From what he told me, he felt the same. Him having come from several unhealthy relationships, had told me all the time that I was a great girlfriend, that he never wanted to lose me, etc. We had a very strong mental bond from the start, great communication, no trust issues, It was your typical madly in love ~perfect~ relationship.

He broke up with me several weeks ago and I feel totally screwed over by him. Our relationship went from a 10 to like a 2 in a span of about a week's time.

He met a woman who had just got a new job in the same shopping plaza as he and they got to talking and he invited her to get a bite to eat at his friend's shop after work since their shifts ended the same time. They exchanged phone numbers and said they'd see each other the next day.

My boyfriend told me repeatedly that he was not into her, she was not his type, and that he just wanted to make some new friends and relieve the stress he'd been having from work lately. He started telling me he loved me a lot more than usual and never wanted me to leave him but I didn't really think anything of it.

I'm not the jealous type and although I trusted my boyfriend, as soon as he talked with me about this, my instincts told me something is not right with this. But I did not say anything because I did not want to cause any unnecessary drama or tension, and I didn't think anything bad was going to happen. I really believed it was just a friendship.

It was clear through out the next few days or so that she was probably into him. She texted him all the time, asked him to come hang out after work, seemed like she was intentionally trying to get to know him. The frustrating part is that his demeanor was the same back to her.

For the next week him and I started having problems, not only with her, but with other things as well.

My boyfriend did not tell this woman he was in a relationship with me until he started confiding in her with our relationship troubles. Looking back on it now, he did this for a reason. I asked him so many times, even after we broke up, why he would want to keep me hidden from her.

The break up happened like this - he told me he took some time to think and clear his head and "our relationship has been over for a while" and that he wants me to move on. When I asked him if he liked this other girl he said "Honestly yes I really do she's a great person" That's pretty much all I needed to hear and told him to get away from me. I don't think I'd ever been so mad before.

A week after our break up I would get the expected text and phone calls with him saying he was sorry, he didn't mean to break my heart, he should have done this, he shouldn't have done that, he feels like a jerk, but in the end he just didn't want to be with me anymore. He told me that himself.

I told him I didn't really have anything to say, and he's like "well I guess you'll never forgive me" and he wished me good luck in life and that was that. He still hangs with that girl all the time, whether they're together now I don't really know, it doesn't matter. I just feel like I really got screwed over.

He denies he had any of this figured out or planned before our break up. In my mind and heart, I think he wanted to be with her the first day he met her.

But why would he tell me he wasn't into her and she wasn't his type, why even say that to me? Why wasn't he just honest with me from the very beginning? Was he deciding between me and her and needed time to figure it out? That's why I feel I got screwed over. If that is what happened, I think that's BS.

As I've said, I had the last couple weeks to think about it all, a lot of things just don't make sense still. This is coming from someone who (during the week this was all going on, during our arguments and everything) was still telling me he loved me and never wanted me to leave him.

It would be easy to just hate him and call him a jerk, and never speak to him again, but he was a nice boyfriend before this, and my best friend. We knew each other for a long time And it's like I'm trying to find every excuse in the book to look at this from his point of view, but I still see it as he screwed me over and wanted someone new and exciting.
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Old 03-02-2016, 09:30 PM
 
3,498 posts, read 2,791,100 times
Reputation: 3688
He was probably in denial in the beginning. When we're in a relationship we try to remain faithful, even if we find someone we know deep down that we want to be with. I don't think he screwed you over. Things like this happen all the time. It's best if you don't see it that way (that he screwed you over and hold a grudge) and just move on.
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Old 03-02-2016, 09:35 PM
 
Location: Virginia
6,956 posts, read 3,391,913 times
Reputation: 17986
During the period where your BF was seeing the new woman but still telling you he loved you and didn't want you to leave him, he was basically using you as a "back-up" plan until he was sure things were going to work out with the new one. That's a frequent tactic cheaters use; they like to have a new squeeze firmly in place before leaving the old one. It's a pretty lousy thing to do, IMO, but all too common. As time goes by and you establish and maintain no contact with your ex BF, I think you'll probably feel a lot better.
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Old 03-02-2016, 09:36 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
8,359 posts, read 5,832,554 times
Reputation: 14479
I wouldn't be trying to figure why this and that happened.

It doesn't matter....the relationship is over. He moved on, and now you should too. I understand you're hurting and you're angry but, trying to understand how or why things happened the way they did won't make you feel better. Take his words for what they were, and move on with your life.
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Old 03-02-2016, 09:36 PM
 
4,694 posts, read 3,536,311 times
Reputation: 4546
I'll tell you this from experience in my 20s. I can even tell you from experience of friends who have done it in their 30s, I'm 32. Not many people leave a relationship without a backup plan. Even if that backup plan fails, there's a good chance there's someone else waiting in the wings. Single for many people just plain sucks. Being alone with your thoughts with no one you're somewhat attracted to emotionally is kinda life sucking at times. I know quite a few men and women who had backup plans when they're in a relationship that isn't going anywhere and they want to get out, but the person they're in a relationship with isn't exactly doing anything wrong for them to end things.

There's also the fact that the pool becomes smaller the older we get. There's an even better chance that someone has been waiting around for that person's relationship or marriage to end for a while. Just waiting for that moment to finally capitalize and see what's there. I wouldn't put too much time into this if I was you. I know it's hard, because you likely feel a little blindsided, but he's only saying what he's saying to bow out with grace. Also, wants to smooth things over just in case things don't work out with the other women, he can weasel his way back in with you. Like I said, single for a lot of people just plain sucks...
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Old 03-02-2016, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Riverside Ca
22,165 posts, read 25,403,561 times
Reputation: 35096
You nailed it. He found someone more exciting. Most likely your relationship was just cruising along until he found a faster ride. Now he's looking to move on. He was bored/used to this relationship. Enter newer faster better exciting stimulus in the form of another woman. Look some guys are dip****s like that.

I had a gf who did something similar. She wanted to "see other people" which in real life speak means I'm screwing another dude. Ok cool. Tried to keep her interested and didn't want to throw away 2 years of relationship, but hey she wanted to see other people. 6 months later she wanted to get back together. Oh so sorry I met a really nice lady. Ended up marrying her 20 years ago. Still together

This guy is a dumb as, if he's willing to throw away a relationship over some fresh trim. Kick him to the curb
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Old 03-02-2016, 09:55 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,990 posts, read 49,455,451 times
Reputation: 98359
It's just fear.

I mean, think about it. What kind of person is going to come home one day and say to their "long-term" partner, "I really like this girl I met, so you and I need to break up."

Every once in a while that happens, but MOST of the time, when they know deep down that they like someone, revealing it is just a drawn-out process that includes uncertainty, denial, fear, excitement, fear, guilt, fickleness, remorse, dread and fear.

He probably had a feeling along the way but just didn't want to come out and admit it.

FWIW, in my experience, a guy who is taken will not seek out a new woman friend just to hang out and "relieve stress." 99% of the time it is a flaming red flag.
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Old 03-02-2016, 10:04 PM
 
2 posts, read 1,968 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Electrician4you View Post
You nailed it. He found someone more exciting. Most likely your relationship was just cruising along until he found a faster ride. Now he's looking to move on. He was bored/used to this relationship. Enter newer faster better exciting stimulus in the form of another woman. Look some guys are dip****s like that.

I had a gf who did something similar. She wanted to "see other people" which in real life speak means I'm screwing another dude. Ok cool. Tried to keep her interested and didn't want to throw away 2 years of relationship, but hey she wanted to see other people. 6 months later she wanted to get back together. Oh so sorry I met a really nice lady. Ended up marrying her 20 years ago. Still together

This guy is a dumb as, if he's willing to throw away a relationship over some fresh trim. Kick him to the curb
I understand what you're saying about the relationship just cruising along, that's how I felt looking back on it. I just wish I knew that is how he felt before any of this with the other girl even came about. I did not want to just throw everything we had away either but he did not want to continue with me.

It would have been nice to be broken up with before any of this all happened. But whats done is done I guess.

Glad to hear you found happiness.
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Old 03-02-2016, 10:32 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,385 posts, read 1,416,587 times
Reputation: 4347
I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks but be glad that you didn't marry him. He obviously wasn't the right man for you. Be good to yourself and rest assured that you'll find love again.
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Old 03-02-2016, 10:41 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,749 posts, read 33,031,755 times
Reputation: 6897
Don't waste your time on someone who wasn't honest with you and doesn't deserve you. He is a douche but doesn't want to be blamed for being a liar. Don't fall for this. He wants to you clear him of all blame. He is a coward and a pig. Yes I have been through something similar. I personally would tell him that you are well rid of him since he lacks a spine and honesty.
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