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What other needs? Thanks for the clarification regarding the autistic son. As you can see, people here feel there's important info that's not included in the OP and subsequent posts, so it's hard to gauge the situation accurately.
Those other needs being that he and his wife aren't communication. It's like her drew a line in the sand and said he'd be willing to talk as long as she was willing to cross the line to his side. His indifference to the idea that as you age sexual appetites do change. Plus the fact that he's unwilling to even compromise to her. He's not getting any now so to say I won't even except 1 morning a week is ludacris to me. I've tried talking to him but he's only focused on the sex and how he wants it from his wife but she's not willing to give it to him as often as he'd like. He feels going to counseling in pointless because the counselor won't just come out and say, "you're wrong, he's right." Again, he's thinking with the wrong head and now he's stating that he'll just hold out completely until she gives in. Again, the stubbornness in him coming out again.
He's not giving me intimate details about their sex life but he is saying they aren't doing it as much.
I guess my side question is this. Who is still having the same amount of sex now, after you got married, than you did before you got married? I mean, if you were getting it in 3 or 4 times a week while dating and several years into your marriage you're still getting it in 3 or 4 times a week I want to hear from you. 3 or 4 times a week would get old and stale, boring, and mundane after a while.
true
At 46, to expect sex 3-4 times a week is a bit much imo...and I am very sexually active...my wife and I are both more or less twice a week...have always been on the same sexual schedual more or less
however...at 46, sex every other month is not acceptable, at least to me and most of my friends...even most of my friends wives would agree that once every other month, over an extended amount of time, is unacceptable
and we are peeps that have been married/together for 20 years, not just 5
her libido is an issue that has to be addressed
dumping her is not the first solution, cheating is NEVER a solution
he needs to talk to her, counseling...something...
Frequency of sex doesnt look to be his only issue, its just ONE of them.
The sex is a symptom of a greater issue looming.
This isn't an issue you can fix...
You're getting second hand information by one side and one side only, It's going to be biased
If you want to help him point him towards services he and his wife can make use of to better understand each other. A "marriage" counselor will assess each of them as separate indivuals before addressing them as a couple.
Last edited by rego00123; 03-04-2016 at 01:01 PM..
Those other needs being that he and his wife aren't communication. It's like her drew a line in the sand and said he'd be willing to talk as long as she was willing to cross the line to his side. His indifference to the idea that as you age sexual appetites do change. Plus the fact that he's unwilling to even compromise to her. He's not getting any now so to say I won't even except 1 morning a week is ludacris to me. I've tried talking to him but he's only focused on the sex and how he wants it from his wife but she's not willing to give it to him as often as he'd like. He feels going to counseling in pointless because the counselor won't just come out and say, "you're wrong, he's right." Again, he's thinking with the wrong head and now he's stating that he'll just hold out completely until she gives in. Again, the stubbornness in him coming out again.
But she hasn't aged. That's not the issue. Sex was frequent when they were dating, then, according to you, not long after marriage she was no longer interested. That has nothing to do with aging, and more to do with taking over care for her son from her parents. There could be other factors involved as well, like--maybe after marriage she got a new form of birth control, and it's affecting her libido. But aging is not the issue here, not for such a radical change in such a short amount of time.
Those other needs being that he and his wife aren't communication. It's like her drew a line in the sand and said he'd be willing to talk as long as she was willing to cross the line to his side. His indifference to the idea that as you age sexual appetites do change. Plus the fact that he's unwilling to even compromise to her. He's not getting any now so to say I won't even except 1 morning a week is ludacris to me. I've tried talking to him but he's only focused on the sex and how he wants it from his wife but she's not willing to give it to him as often as he'd like. He feels going to counseling in pointless because the counselor won't just come out and say, "you're wrong, he's right." Again, he's thinking with the wrong head and now he's stating that he'll just hold out completely until she gives in. Again, the stubbornness in him coming out again.
Stubbornness from both sides, from what it sounds like.
The frequency of sex is always unique/specific to each couple. Your general input of age/sex appetite change is actually irrelevant as neither sides has worked out something that works for them. If he wants more, then he needs to find someone more like minded OR work through this with his wife.
He already has a counselor. He's already shown he's not really listening to anyone. Pointless.
I'm starting to wonder if you're actually the wife in this scenario.
Stubbornness from both sides, from what it sounds like.
The frequency of sex is always unique/specific to each couple. Your general input of age/sex appetite change is actually irrelevant as neither sides has worked out something that works for them. If he wants more, then he needs to find someone more like minded OR work through this with his wife.
He already has a counselor. He's already shown he's not really listening to anyone. Pointless.
I'm starting to wonder if you're actually the wife in this scenario.
No, I'm not the wife. I am honestly trying to help my brother but his stubbornness is getting in the way of him getting his marriage back on track. You have to talk to people. Two people don't have to be on the same page on everything. To me that would get boring. If we liked the same foods, tv shows, movies, etc. Where would we learn more about the person? You have to be willing to sit down and talk. Give a little to get a little. No, I don't want sex 3 or 4 times a week. Hell, when I'm dating someone I don't want it 3 or 4 times a week. That's ridiculous to me. But, when the stresses of life hit you can't still expect to be in the mood that much during a 7 day spread. That's what he's not getting from his wife. She's not in the mood but he's trying to force her to be in the mood. Instead of asking her what he can do to help he's just being pushy. But on the flip side, the wife isn't doing much housework so she can't use that as an excuse. Her autistic son does and can take a lot out of her but she needs to rely on her husband more to give her a break. They both need to communicate, plain and simple.
No, I'm not the wife. I am honestly trying to help my brother but his stubbornness is getting in the way of him getting his marriage back on track. You have to talk to people. Two people don't have to be on the same page on everything. To me that would get boring. If we liked the same foods, tv shows, movies, etc. Where would we learn more about the person? You have to be willing to sit down and talk. Give a little to get a little. No, I don't want sex 3 or 4 times a week. Hell, when I'm dating someone I don't want it 3 or 4 times a week. That's ridiculous to me. But, when the stresses of life hit you can't still expect to be in the mood that much during a 7 day spread. That's what he's not getting from his wife. She's not in the mood but he's trying to force her to be in the mood. Instead of asking her what he can do to help he's just being pushy. But on the flip side, the wife isn't doing much housework so she can't use that as an excuse. Her autistic son does and can take a lot out of her but she needs to rely on her husband more to give her a break. They both need to communicate, plain and simple.
You can't change his basic nature, though. He's stubborn, and he sounds immature, as you pointed out before; he makes poor choices in women, and doesn't have his priorities straight in that regard. There's nothing you can do about that. He has a lot of growing up to do before he's ready to have a successful marriage.
No, I'm not the wife. I am honestly trying to help my brother but his stubbornness is getting in the way of him getting his marriage back on track. You have to talk to people. Two people don't have to be on the same page on everything. To me that would get boring. If we liked the same foods, tv shows, movies, etc. Where would we learn more about the person? You have to be willing to sit down and talk. Give a little to get a little. No, I don't want sex 3 or 4 times a week. Hell, when I'm dating someone I don't want it 3 or 4 times a week. That's ridiculous to me. But, when the stresses of life hit you can't still expect to be in the mood that much during a 7 day spread. That's what he's not getting from his wife. She's not in the mood but he's trying to force her to be in the mood. Instead of asking her what he can do to help he's just being pushy. But on the flip side, the wife isn't doing much housework so she can't use that as an excuse. Her autistic son does and can take a lot out of her but she needs to rely on her husband more to give her a break. They both need to communicate, plain and simple.
It's like I said: IRRELEVANT. Just because 3-4x a week doesn't work for you doesn't invalidate his sexual desire and need for frequency.
Yes, he needs to communicate with his wife and work through this with his wife (or just plainly divorce). Glad that you finally see that it's a communication and compatibility issue, not a really sex problem.
Please, let me clarify something. He does care about her autistic son. They do have a bond so please don't say he is not concerned about him. I just think that my brother thought that the amt of sex they were having during the dating time was going to be the same during the marriage time. My other brothers and sisters all have said that he's a slack parent and not willing to step up to the plate with his son. He just doesn't see it. My brother is just so focused on the sex until he's not attending to the other needs in the marriage. They are on two totally different pages. They do not watch TV together cause he doesn't like what she watches and vice versa. I've dated people before and we've had different tastes when it comes to TV but if I want her to watch one of my shows I must be willing to watch one of hers.
Your brother sounds like he needs some sensitivity training. Women are not vending machines.
In order to have relations they need to feel romanced, loved and appreciated - all things that become increasingly difficult for many 40 somethings after many years of marriage and for most women fulfilling the duties of primary caregiver.
Sorry but it sounds like you have done what you can. You just need to tell him that short term satisfaction often comes at the expense of long term problems/unhappiness.
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