Husband cheating on internet...2nd chance? (men, pregnant, spouse, divorce)

[MotleyCrew]

I think sadly the internet is really our Pandora's Box. It is a new method of cheating so to speak.

[SandyCo]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

I'm wondering if everyone here feels, if it's not in a person's character to do something, they won't do it.

Creme

Actually, I've always subscribed to the theory of "You are what you do." Whenever someone says, "But that's out of character for me!", is it really?? Everything you do reveals your character, whether you own up to it or not.

[Bette]

This is an interesting thread and it brings back something that happened to me. My husband is a great guy. He and I were born on the same day; I've always felt like we were soulmates. Looking back, however, he was not a good communicator as to what he wanted.

An ex-girlfriend entered his life - on purpose. She saw he now had his own business, owned a home, etc. She worked on him for years - got his emotional trust. I was completely unaware. Up to a point, nothing physical happened so I know he really wrestled with this whole thing. She was very pretty and had a young child. She also had a live-in boyfriend.

I knew something was wrong. I confronted him. He told me. He is not the type to go on the internet but the hurt was so great. I also have a disability so this was extra personal (blind in one eye, limited sight in the other). We have 2 wonderful children and had been married almost 20 years at the time.

I became the strong one. It truly was the hardest 31 days of my life. She went into desperate mode. We went to counseling. She (the girlfriend) did horrible things to me and to our family. He claimed to break it off several times during this 31 day period. Finally, one day, when I came to meet him for our counseling appointment, she came out of nowhere, accosted me, and finally, after the 3 of us sitting down together, he finally stood up for me. It was almost over but it has taken a long time.

I have changed things in my life for him more than the other way around but I do love him and I feel a closeness with him. I feel like the old saying - "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

I feel I made the right decision plus as a Christian, I prayed about it and there were just things that happened....oh well, more long story!!

Good luck. Someday, I want to write a book and encourage couples on this.

[songinthewind7]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

I'm wondering if everyone here feels, if it's not in a person's character to do something, they won't do it.

Creme

I've done a lot of stupid and crazy things in my past as probably most everyone has and I look back and think how stupid can you get but I learned my lessons the hard way.
But like Firekeg, I cannot stand liars and I've never met a person that is a cheat that was sorry for it until they got caught.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by SandyCo

Actually, I've always subscribed to the theory of "You are what you do." Whenever someone says, "But that's out of character for me!", is it really?? Everything you do reveals your character, whether you own up to it or not.

Great post. Reminds of the quote, "How you do something is how you do everything." If someone cheats on their taxes they're very likely to cheat the people in their life too, for example.

[BornInMeLivnInExile]

Originally Posted by MotleyCrew

I think sadly the internet is really our Pandora's Box. It is a new method of cheating so to speak.

I agree the internet is a newer method of cheating. Herein lies the question.

If the husband is getting some thrill off the internet thing that we've established he wasn't getting at home for a year...can I blame him if all it was was internet related? Yes it is a betrayal of faith, but if he never did the deed?

He maintains it was all for some type of thrill and incredibly stupid non-thinking judgement on his part. In his defense I will give him this (even though he's never brought it up)...about a month before he started this bs he also started a new job working nights....4 day shifts at 12 hours each with a 2 hr commute each way (that's a 16 hour day for those who don't want to do the math), with even more overtime mandatory. He had never worked nights before and basically turned into a living zombie before my eyes. I am willing to concede that lack of sleep could have effected his judgement considerably. He had a really hard time adjusting to trying to sleep during the day and was averaging about 4 - 5 hours a day.

Here's the thing. I've gone through our bank records, credit card records, etc...extensively. There are no out of the ordinary expenses for the past 6 months. One would think if he was starting or carrying on with cheating there would at least be unexplained bar or restaurant bills or something...yes? I can't find a thing and trust me...I wanted to so I could put this thing to rest once and for all. There are no cash withdrawals over $20 either as we both use our bank cards. There are no lenghty phone calls to anyone on his cell phone bill besides to me or home.

I think I am being rational here and not trying to make excuses...but it's hard to tell. Thoughts? And once again, thank you all for all of your advice! It helps me alot to get different perspectives.

[dubuqueaskme]

My thought is follow him. When he lives for his "16 hour day," follow him. You will have proof, or no proof. Be sure to be as discreet as possible., and when he gets home, bam! hit him with the evidence you've collected...

[mishigas73]

Wow, what a predicament.

I'll tell you, from my "single woman perspective", that it infuriates me to no end when I'm surfing around the net and come across people in your husband's position. Not to single him out, at all, but I get this visceral, "icky" reaction when I see married men looking for some on the net. Personally, I don't care what's going on in your life, or her life, if you do this without her knowledge (and would be mortified if she found out), you're no better than pond scum, as far as I'm concerned.

I met my bf of 2 years in a chat room. Interestingly, when we first started chatting *as friends*, we were both involved with others. Then, circumstances changed for the both of us, and we got together. We both still prowl those chatrooms. It was our mutual decision that this was fine. But, to this day, I see married people (men especially) come around pretty late (like after 11, Pacific Time) and you just KNOW that wifey-poo is asleep. Bugs the $*(%*#)@ out of me.

So, now that I have that off my chest.

I tend to see things as black-and-white when it comes to this. Just because it's the net doesn't make it any "better" in my book. My mind says, when these guys come around, "hmmm...so if things are so bad with the wife, then leave. Maybe, if you do that, we can talk".

BUTTTTT after reading your postings, I'm starting to feel a bit of a "soft side" toward your husband. Not that I condone the actions, because I REALLY don't. What I'm thinking, after reading your words, is that this IS something that can be fixed. Not that it will be easy, but it seems that all of the pressures, and having to deal with you and your stress-related issues, caused him to get somewhat desperate, and, with the proper counseling, for BOTH of you, it seems like a situation that can be reconciled, if you both want it to be.

Did he make a horrid choice? Sure he did. Is he really sorry? Only you, as the one who really knows him, can answer that. I've seen the postings that he's only sorry because he got caught, etc, etc. I really wouldn't buy into that until you get ALL of this hashed out, in front of an impartial counselor. Why did he do it? Specifically. What was he feeling about you and the marriage (and himself) that caused him to think that this was a good thing to do?

Work on the communication. On BOTH sides.

Again, I obviously don't know either of you, but I have that "soft side" for your husband because, for some reason, he felt pressed into doing it. It's up to you both now to figure out the "why" of that, and whether or not you can accept it and work on it.

I wish you the best, and hope that you sway, just a bit, from your "no second chances" rule. If you're smart about it, you'll get a lot of answers, and hopefully you and he will be able to come to an *understanding* about things and move on, stronger. And, if not, at least you know that you've tried.

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

Some people have the morals of an unaltered alley cat, this I have no sympathy for. Just because one spouse has a problem doesn't give the other leave to go out and roll in the mud with whoever will throw down with them.

Frankly its shows that the spouse who can sleep around so casually treats sex in an entirely different manner. If you take a person who believe sex is something that is done casually and you pair them with someone who takes it more seriously then your headed for disaster. You can't change that person, trust me on this. They are speaking a different language.

I have been married twice, both times things got really awful, no matter how badly my husband treated me, I never felt free to go out and roll in the hay with someone. Just because he didn't take our marital commitment seriously didn't mean that I had to throw it in the trash.

I find the tendency of some (both male and female) people to run about having sex indescriminately truly repulsive. No matter how nicely he wrapped himself, if that was his history, I wouldn't have him on a silver platter.

[The Stud]

You can't cheat on the internet -- it's impossible. Now, if you meet someone off the internet and have intercourse, that would be considered cheating. But words, pictures, cybersex, blah blah, it means nothing. Men get bored of their wives and need some kind of release, unless you have a good woman who treats you right.