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Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,070,027 times
Reputation: 2158
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
Except that that's the way it works for most people.
Not relevant because I'm not most people.
Quote:
Dating, as is, isn't always a slam , but it pays off often enough that it satisfies the dating public's expectations and makes the romantic/sexual connections that they want. Your preferred way is not what people expect and it doesn't work, even for you.
Well, I guess backwards dating might work if soneone is just trying to meet the generic other person. But I'm not interested in spending time for romantic purposes with generic people. When I develop romantic feelings for someone, it is usually someone who has been in my life for a while in a platonic context.
Let me give you an example of why backwards dating wouldn't work for me. A male friend from high school was asking me why I don't try asking our mitual female friend, L, on a romantic date. Well, she is very attractive sexually, but, putting aside the major logistical issues that she lives in the Sacremtno area, hundreds of miles away, and she has kids (although one turns 18 soon and the other two are not much younger), the main problem is simply that I am not interested.
In high school I was interested in M. We all went to the martial arts studio run by M's father, and L was a fellow student, but really I had those feelings for M and not L, it is really that simple. L is my friend, and we talk on facebook from time to time. I can't say that I would necessarily be opposed if we ended up kissing or sleeping together; I think it would be meaningful because I care about her as a friend. But there is no romantic component to how I feel toward her right now.
Nor is there any romantic feeling for most women I meet, nor most people whose profiles I see on OLD. It is not a matter of feeling anxiety, but rather, it the absence of any romantic interest.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,070,027 times
Reputation: 2158
I developed feelings for M, I think, because I saw her as someone who saved me from the bullies who harassed me, by teaching me martial arts. We often sparred together, and there was a feeling of intimacy associated with that. Unfortunately, that feeling was experienced only by me and not her. Just one of many bad experiences I have had with having romantic feelings for people.
Unfortunately due the common sense espoused in the OP, I predict this thread will die a quick death...
Most unfortunate, as the ones that are thought out and make sense don't seem to last around here.
People don't want to hear things that aren't in line with their agendas and this thread is laying out too much "uncomfortable" information for some people.
Dating also involves a lot of feeling and emotion. It's not always logical, not about return on investment, cost benefit analysis, etc.
It's not a transaction, it's an emotional connection between two people, and it seems the other person's feelings aren't often taken into consideration when you read posts here. So many are all about you and what you want and what you can "get". That's why I think many are not having success, if you're not looking for that partner to share a dating/relationship experience with, no matter how it turns out.
This is a big difference between men and women, if you're interested in heterosexual relationships. I mean this in the nicest way too. Men tend to be more logical while women tend to be more emotional. For me, my attraction comes by how much time I want to spend with that woman, how much time, energy, income I want to invest in that woman. I'm either interested or I'm not. If I'm not wanting to spend time with her, there's nothing that she can do to change that.
Women can get all the attention from a guy that they've always wanted from a guy, but when you're not feeling it, you're just not feeling it. I had a fling that died out recently where I was really into her, by the amount of time and income I was spending, yet after a few weeks she hit me with the dreaded space conversation. It all seemed to flow well, because I knew how invested I was, yet it probably would have been in my favor to dig and see if what I was doing was what she was looking for from a partner. The things that I thought would attract her, may not have been the things she was looking for in a partner.
These things are what makes dating hard for both parties. There's plenty of women who think they do all the right things with a guy, but then the guy just ghost on them. There's plenty of guys who think they do all the right things with a woman, but then the woman just ghost on them. Dating takes effort, but it also takes a little bit of luck too. Man or woman, you both have to understand what each other are putting down. And when it comes to dating, you can be on the same page one day and be on a different page the next day.
I've had my share of conversations with women who stood in the trenches with guys, to where if I was in their shoes, I wouldn't had of stayed 5 minutes. They were just invested on an emotional level that I just couldn't comprehend. Then there's guys standing right in front of them that will treat them just the way they want to be treated, yet they have no interest. This statement goes equally for men as well. I can think of women that would give me close to what I would want from a relationship, but for various circumstances, I don't want what they have to offer. What can I say, we all want what we want, whether it's healthy or insane.
Unfortunately due the common sense espoused in the OP, I predict this thread will die a quick death...
Most unfortunate, as the ones that are thought out and make sense don't seem to last around here.
People don't want to hear things that aren't in line with their agendas and this thread is laying out too much "uncomfortable" information for some people.
I was thinking the same thing.
There is no drama in threads like this and it's pretty much the truth. If it's not something that people can argue against, they're not going to challenge it.
There is no drama in threads like this and it's pretty much the truth. If it's not something that people can argue against, they're not going to challenge it.
I started a few threads over the years that were well thought out and provided some differing insights into situations, but since there wasn't much drama they usually died after a couple of pages or so. That's happened to a few of my threads.
The silly and utterly lame threads go on for 40 plus pages.
There is no drama in threads like this and it's pretty much the truth. If it's not something that people can argue against, they're not going to challenge it.
If it's true then what else needs to be said to extend the thread. What would you like to be said to extend the thread? I'm pretty sure after reading this thread some people will give up trying all together.
It's all about empathy, curiously, on a date it´s really important have things in common, but in a relationship are the differences between each other what make the full circle get together
Dating like working out is not fun for some people, it is just not. Fact of the matter is is that they only try because they are looking for a result. That is why they look for shortcuts.
It would be a perfect world if everyone enjoyed the process that must be endured to reach the goal but that is not reality. They will endure the process if they have to but it will get tiresome and frustrating after a while when you don't find what you are looking.
I'm not sure how being self-righteous about it helps. People are who they are.
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