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What you realize after time is that those primal fires are quenched in the access afforded by your relationship. Things like mental, emotional and value compatibility become far more important and actually supersede your physical lust for your partner in importance.
If the "Other" factors are not in place the lust dies quickly and surely. If they are there the fires will continue to burn as your love grows, unless of course your 18 and just don't care.
Because they couldn't get the person who they really wanted and the person who they weren't attracted to had other qualities that they liked.
This. Some who can't seem to get what they want, eventually settle for what's there and make use of other benefits.
1. They don't have the stigma of being single and unmarried.
2. The sex may be decent enough, probably better than the nothing they were getting from the people they wanted. lol
3. They want children, and a typical 2-parent household for said children
4. Companionship - possibly a great friendship there - just no real attraction
It doesn't sound ideal. But if some people get desperate enough, they resort to settling. It's not ideal, but that's the realism of the world. Everyone doesn't get what, or who, they want. So they either settle for what they can get, or spend the rest of their life without anything. Some feel the latter is better. But others will take the former as the lesser of 2 evils.
Last edited by HappyRain; 03-23-2016 at 06:31 PM..
This. Some who can't seem to get what they want, eventually settle for what's there and make use of other benefits.
1. They don't have the stigma of being single and unmarried.
2. The sex may be decent enough, probably better than the nothing they were getting from the people they wanted. lol
3. They want children, and a typical 2-parent household for said children
4. Companionship - possibly a great friendship there - just no real attraction
It doesn't sound ideal. But if some people get desperate enough, they resort to settling. It's not ideal, but that's the realism of the world. Everyone doesn't get what they want. So they either settle for what they can get, or spend the rest of their life without anything. Some feel the latter is better. But others will take the former as the lesser of 2 evils.
I married my roommate/friend.... it was an attraction that evolved over time. I cannot say we had that "primal attraction". We found ourselves compatible on so many levels and truly enjoyed each others companionship. At some point, we realized that we weren't interested in moving on without each other. We were from different backgrounds but we worked all that out.... I didn't think a person so far removed from where I was in life could accept me as-is. For me, that was proof enough that things could work out wonderfully between us.
My relationship with my wife was a stark difference from my previous relationship that was so full of passion and attraction. We talked about getting married but there was so much that we couldn't resolve; it was a "manic" relationship. In a way, we were so alike that we fed off each other.. amplified the joys and the lows.
Did I settle? Perhaps......
We have had a good 15 years even though we are currently going through a rough patch. I'm fairly sure that marrying my exGF would have been a joy ride for a while longer but it would have ended way long ago. A perfect mate would have been a woman of a combination of those two women who are very important in my life. But I bet waiting for that more-perfect mate would have resulted in me waiting forever.
The internet is peppered with stories of people in long term relationships and in marriages where after a while people realize that they never had a strong sexual attraction to their mate... "I was never really attracted to him/her" so they either have an affair or divorce/break up.
This seems to be more common than I originally thought where people settle because they think their partner is a nice person - good character, good job, responsible, nice, kind etc.
How much do you think pure lustful desire is important? If your partner claims that they are attracted to you how would you ever know if they are being truthful?
It's important to remain attractive to your partner and I have been guilty of having let myself go in my marriage. I was definitely stuck in a rut and feeling depressed. Something clicked in me to tell me to get busy livin' or get busy dyin.' I don't feel like dying and my wife deserves way better than some overweight sloth. Thus, I'm on the diet and workout train. Before the year is over, I am going to be a giant piece of man candy for my woman -- she deserves it.
BTW, I think I could pick up on if my wife wasn't truly attracted to me. I'm sure I've sensed it in the past, but then again, neither of us felt very sexy. I don't blame her for one second. I was not attracted to myself and didn't feel sexy in any way. I just felt like a pig.
I was sexually attracted to my first wife, she was attracted to me, but just wasn't very sexual, and had lots of hang-ups. We were just incompatible, and I KNOW that I had settled, and kept convincing myself that it would get better for 7 years! I had my own personal self esteem issues, and the lack of sexual needs/intimacy knocked me down even further! I jetted, found a new woman that was sexually attracted to me, wanted me, desired me! I was blown away going to this new extreme end of the spectrum, we got married, and have been for 12 years now. The ex-wife is now a "cat lady", you reap what you sow, meow!
Lust is an additional bond that a marriage needs to stay healthy. If you didn't have it, you would end up feeling it for someone else, and "bam!", an affair.
For me, a relationship without lust is a friendship. I have many friends, but only one husband.
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Lust is an additional bond that a marriage needs to stay healthy. If you didn't have it, you would end up feeling it for someone else, and "bam!", an affair.
For me, a relationship without lust is a friendship. I have many friends, but only one husband.
That is basically the main thing.
Lust is what separates marriage from your other "love" relationships.
If you're still (inexplicably) thinking about proposing to your current GF, OP, you should remember that basic respect is as important as sex.
It's important to understand that not all attraction, lust or love IS immediate, but that doesn't mean it is incapable of forming at all. We are all capable of feeling these things but how we get their isn't going to be the same for all.
That said, As far as the question.
It answers itself. Ask yourself why someone would "compromise" themselves and be put in a situation where they do not honestly like their partner in some way that constitutes being a "lover" over just a companion or friend.
It's certainly not the other person forcing them to do it, that answer lays within that compromise made to make the arrangement happen in the first place and it centers directly towards self and desire.
We often (people) justify the illogical or irrational to gain what we want if it sustains our desire to feel happiness even if it is not ideal...after all "good enough" is often better than not getting anything you want at all.
Last edited by rego00123; 03-24-2016 at 12:17 AM..
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