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Thanks to all for being so nice to me. I really appreciate it.
Sorry to here about your troubles. Especially when you did seem happy in the relationship from what I recall. I do think you'll get better. Currently you're in shock, and it's all new, especially if he's the 1st man to leave you and not the other way around.
Timberline made a good point. The harder you try to prove to your ex that you're sane, the more he'll believe the opposite.
It's like the Nice Guy thread. When guys openly announce how nice they are, you know the chances are high that they're really not as nice as they try to act. If you are, or are not, something, you don't need to try to prove it. People will know it by associating with you. But every now and again, you'll get a hateful, insecure, or stubborn person that is determined to label you as bad for 1 reason or another, and that's on them, not you.
This guy may be a lost cause. because he wants the right to hang out with his exes, and the fact that you aren't ok with it gives him all the reason to label you crazy and insecure because what you're comfortable with doesn't align with him, so he'll basically throw everything under the son in your face, as you have seen. Which shows he was ready to use those against you when the time presented itself.
It's best to let him go, and make no further contact with him, since you say you already messaged him about being sorry and he responded in a nasty way to you.
He was very insecure in the beginning and didn't like that I have guy friends or talk to my exes. I got rid of them since most of them wanted to have sex with me anyway. So it wasn't a big loss. I work with 100 guys and 4 women and most guys are a little too friendly to me. I never told my bf that they are all hitting on me but he kinda knew of course.
Then after 4 months of total happiness he suddenly mentioned that he is friends with a few exes and they are all excited to meet me. I was totally shocked and refused. He said he is not giving up friends for a new gf. Okay. I hoped they go away over time. They didn't. And of course they are all single. He kept pressuring me in a really strong way. The more he did, the more I refused.
He gained confidence and wasn't jealous anymore becaue I did everything to make him comfortable but I got more and more jealous.
Then he started texting 24/7 and I started investigating. Never found anything. I didn't snoop, just asked too many personal questions. He said he was texting for the last 10 years when he was single but slowed it down when I came in the picture but now picked it up again. He showed me texts and emails to exes and they were all normal and friendly.
I went to counseling and all of them (3) said he should honor my feelings and get rid of the baggage. I took him to counseling last week and the moment he was with me, the counselor turned 180 degrees and said I have to accept the exes or move on. As long as there is nothing inappropriate, I have to accept it. I said he sends "XOXOXs" and dirty jokes and I think that's not right. He said the bad thoughts are only in my head. I asked "so where do you draw the line??" the answer "There is no line." I said "he still calls her a made up nick name, thats totally inappropriate!!!" Nope, apparently it isn't.
We broke up after the counseling.
If I would have been more relaxed, I would have met the exes, hang out with them, have fun and we would meet them once a month and all would have been okay. They would later on have a bf and maybe contact him less or we all would hang out together and be one happy family. But just the thought of it makes me gag.
I told him that none of them was there for him when he was sick for 6 monhts and injured badly because they had bfs at that time. None of them even brought him a soup or groceries. NONE OF THEM. And this will be happening again - they will have a bf and drop him like a hot potato and then he regrets that he let me go. He didn't get it. I left and now he runs around telling everybody that I gave him an ultimatum to dump his FRIENDS.
So he expected you to give up and sacrifice and make compromises on your end but he wasn't willing to do the same thing. Do you see the problem and staying with someone like that?
Also, what did the counselor say when you asked her or him about changing his or her mind regarding the exes and him not having contact with them anymore?
My exes don't want sex. Most of my male friends would have not been opposed to have sex with me. Also, I do whatever it takes to make my bf comfortable.
I was in contact with my exes, too. He said he doesn't like any guys around me so I stopped. Once he became secure in our relationship he told me I can hang out with whomever I want and text to whomever I want. I don't need to be in constant contact with people but I guess he did it for 10 years and didn't want to give it up. for nobody. I think he kept the backdoor open because he never trusted our relationship to last. He didn't want to give up anybody because he didn't want to have less friends once we break up.
He will have a hard time finding a new gf who accepts his exgfs in his life.
I need to become more open. Most older people have a history and exes hanging around somewhere or children with exes and I just need to relax more.
I switched counselors and of course the current one agrees with me - like all the other ones - but that doesnt' help me. I need to work on my jealousy.
Talk to your new counselor about you picking the very guys that will push the buttons regarding the issues that you need to work on like this guy did with the jealousy issues.
It's kind of ironic that we often pick the partners who make it hardest and make us feel most insecure about the very issues that we struggle with
I know this hurts, and if my husband left me I'm sure I would be posting about how to get him to come back to me, but ultimately, you can't be well and whole as long as you think you need this guy. Despite the pain, you don't. And the pain will go away, even though that seems impossible to believe right now.
Keep working with your counselor. Since you have a history of relationships with people who weren't good for you, a codependency program like Codependents Anonymous probably wouldn't hurt, either. I'd stick to a single-sex group, though, because people confide problems there and you don't want that to lead to a romantic entanglement.
He thinks I am sick in the head for thinking the way I am thinking. I know him - he ran to his friends and they all now think I am nuts. It helps him to get over it if he can be mad at me.
I wanted to proof to him with printing out this thread that I am thinking like most other people and that he will most likely not find another woman who wants to meet his ex.
I was willing to work on myself and I was willing to take one for the team and become friends even though it is UNNORMAL. I wanted to get credit for being THAT WOMAN. I am 100% sure that I can make it work with meeting her and hanging out.
I still hope we can find back to each other in 3-4 months. When I will get divorced and kept going to counseling.
Hopefully after three or four more months of counseling, you will realize that he is the one who is not ready to be in a relationship.
There is one thing I would say in his "defense", however. As someone who has a lot of experience on both sides of the equation in regards to friends with exes, I can tell you that meeting an ex in person can often alleviate any insecurities you might have.
I'm not sure if this would be the case with you with him because he seems like he is not willing to do any kind of compromises on his side. However, this might be something to think about in the future if the friends thing is the only red flag, which in his case, it wasn't.
It has helped me to post here and see unbiased views.
Of course my friends are all on my side. The counselors all agree with me.
Except the one who turned. I still wonder why.
But yes, I got all my answers here, and should get off CD before JUST A GUY shows up and makes me feel even worse.
Thanks for all the kind wishes.
I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I'm trying to point out the fact that even though we think we have changed by picking a different kind of problem in a partner, we really haven't because we haven't figured out the underlying issues that are causing us to pick unavailable people. Just because a situation changes doesn't mean the underlying problem is not the same and still needs to be dealt with.
Last thing: This is something I really would like him to know. Any suggestions how to make it happen?
The best you can do to not be seen as the crazy ex is to not obsess about not being seen as the crazy ex and simply let it go. Trying to make yourself seem as if you want to not be the crazy ex will just confirm his thoughts that you were that person.
More importantly, you should want yourself not to be seen as the crazy ex in your own mind and the best way to do that is simply not to care anymore about it one way or the other
I am just saying that I am hurt and don't know what to do to make him think less bad of me. Because I am not bad. I am a good person with lots of love to give. LOTS. I am a lover. Nurturing. Too much for most guys that's why I was so glad I found somebody who reciprocated -- until the ex thingy came up.
I don't think printing this thread or any other ideas to not say you're nuts will work.
Actions will prove who you are. Let's not do things while you are in the dust storm of the break up. Wait till time has passed and you can see clearly.
If he's 'bipolar' as you say then it's a crazy person calling someone else crazy. That won't stand.
I think you both simply weren't compatible at the end of the day.
Assuming there was nothing extra going on besides genuine friendship, I don't think he should have tried to make you cut out your male friends, nor should you have tried to cut out his female friends. That's something each individual should do on their own if they want without any sort of control from the other person.
People have friends that have been together long before a SO came in the picture.
Eve, handling someone with bipolar and OCD isn't really a relationship. You definitely did NOT need to hang on to this one.
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