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My exes don't want sex. Most of my male friends would have not been opposed to have sex with me. Also, I do whatever it takes to make my bf comfortable.
I was in contact with my exes, too. He said he doesn't like any guys around me so I stopped. Once he became secure in our relationship he told me I can hang out with whomever I want and text to whomever I want. I don't need to be in constant contact with people but I guess he did it for 10 years and didn't want to give it up. for nobody. I think he kept the backdoor open because he never trusted our relationship to last. He didn't want to give up anybody because he didn't want to have less friends once we break up.
He will have a hard time finding a new gf who accepts his exgfs in his life.
I need to become more open. Most older people have a history and exes hanging around somewhere or children with exes and I just need to relax more.
I switched counselors and of course the current one agrees with me - like all the other ones - but that doesnt' help me. I need to work on my jealousy.
A good counselor doesn't just agree with you. They should challenge you and give you different ways to re-frame a situation in a healthy way.
They also will guide you - if you are willing - to examine your jealousy.
I can empathize. I had an ex who constantly was in contact with his ex, an then with 2 separate female friends (with whom he had expressed to me that he once had a romantic interest in, and vice versa). He once told me he wasn't willing to give up those friendships for a relationship that wouldn't possibly last (at that time I told him I was contemplating ending our relationship).
He clinged to those relationships and was always secretive bout his conversations with this females. He never wanted to end them or his borderline inappropriate behavior with them b/c he had no other friends, and told me he was concerned he'd lose what little friends he had if I broke up with him. I never truly felt secure in that relationship b/c he was never forthcoming about anything concerning them, as a result.
He would not accept my stance that pervasive unhealthy relationships with exes can ,and usually will be, a major road block to the progression of a healthy adult romantic relationship. The two cannot co-exist.
I dumped his sorry a$$.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but it happens to the best of us.
Paranoia sneaks in, because it's the conscious mind not liking what's going on. It's like the gut feeling you get when someone you've been seeing a couple of weeks or months starts to slowly withdraw. Most of us tend to draw closer to people we care about and love or potentially love. Him becoming withdrawn was his way of slowly backing out of the relationship. In order to fix this, the OP would have likely had to lose even more of herself to make the relationship work. In the end, her partner is in love with a façade. He's in love with the person that he's created, he's not in love with who she truly is.
Hence why the OP is shouldering so much of the blame. She found herself changing a lot while he changed very little. She's struggling with who she is, because she didn't like who she became. A woman who was paranoid. That's not who she is, but that's who she became by trying to make her boyfriend happy, while he couldn't make her happy. One person can't be in a relationship that's meant for two.
I switched counselors and of course the current one agrees with me - like all the other ones - but that doesnt' help me. I need to work on my jealousy.
Sounds like you need to work on this issue on your own, why do you think is that tho? I mean the jealousy, what triggers you to act or feel that way.. His problem is his alone to figure out. You have your own problem to solve, sounds like you are a good person, and you acknowledge your mistakes, one thing though, if he is such a wonderful man , then he should put your welfare first, he should cut the ties with the EX if he knows it bothers you and if can't then you are in a better position now, relationships are difficult sometimes and when they have a baggage like EXES it does not make it any easier. There is a reason they are EX, means its over and everyone needs to move on, if there is a child involved that is a different story. You have to regain your self confidence and be happy and content as you are, who you are, cannot have dependency on other people's approval. when you are confident enough about yourself then jealousy won't be a factor anymore specially if there is no basis and your partner is trustworthy..
and btw don't limit yourself with guys over 40.. some younger men can be or sometimes more mature than older men. Just be yourself
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
Paranoia sneaks in, because it's the conscious mind not liking what's going on. It's like the gut feeling you get when someone you've been seeing a couple of weeks or months starts to slowly withdraw. Most of us tend to draw closer to people we care about and love or potentially love. Him becoming withdrawn was his way of slowly backing out of the relationship.
While this is true, people often do this for numerous reasons, such as they are feeling nagged / pressured / etc to do something they don't want to do. Nothing kills a relationship faster than harping on something.
But the nonstop texting is indeed rude.
Two people can be good people and just not complimentary for a good, healthy relationship. I think that is the majority of failed relationships.
I have learned in the last few months and was willing to meet the one ex. THe other one I didn't care about too much because they weren't together for that long or intensive.
We actually set a date to meet her and I was excited about it. Seemed like she is a nice person. I came to terms with it. No anxiety anymore. I knew it was time to meet her and see what it is all about. Maybe we actually really could become friends, who knows. Anyhow, I felt like I NEEDED to see her now.
But then I realized they are in WEEKLY contact and that he is still calling her a nick name TO TEASE her and even though I KNOW there is nothing going on, he is not the CHEATER kind, I just couldn't digest that.
Then the counseling and we split. Also, I found it too much that he was worried I am mean to her when we meet. He was more concerned about how SHE feels when we meet than how I FEEL about it. Is he MY boyfriend or HERS?? So not fair.
I can empathize. I had an ex who constantly was in contact with his ex, an then with 2 separate female friends (with whom he had expressed to me that he once had a romantic interest in, and vice versa). He once told me he wasn't willing to give up those friendships for a relationship that wouldn't possibly last (at that time I told him I was contemplating ending our relationship).
He clinged to those relationships and was always secretive bout his conversations with this females. He never wanted to end them or his borderline inappropriate behavior with them b/c he had no other friends, and told me he was concerned he'd lose what little friends he had if I broke up with him. I never truly felt secure in that relationship b/c he was never forthcoming about anything concerning them, as a result.
He would not accept my stance that pervasive unhealthy relationships with exes can ,and usually will be, a major road block to the progression of a healthy adult romantic relationship. The two cannot co-exist.
I dumped his sorry a$$.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but it happens to the best of us.
So I still have his house key. I still have stuff in his house. It all happened last week.
This week I have to get my stuff and exchange keys. I am wondering if I should print out this thread and put it on his table. He thinks he is 100% right and I am 100% crazy.
I was crazy in telling him how to spend his money. Yes because I felt like he threw our idea of buying a house away by spending $43k on a truck. But we already had issues and of course he didn't think about a common future anymore.
I was crazy in telling him how to sleep (not so far away from me). YES.
I sent him an apology email and that I am working on my issues and maybe in 3-4 months we can find back together. I got a nasty email back.
Oh, I need to mention on his behalf - defense - I almost forgot:
He threw in my face last week that I am living with two MEN.
sidenote: He told me last year to rent out rooms since I live mostly with him and I started renting to 2 interns from work. Engineer interns are usually male. They are 22 and 26 year old guys. I am 39. I do not socialize with them, I keep to myself. I was hardly home.
He threw in my face last last week that I am still married.
I am separated for 5 years, need to hang in there for another 4 months until my last tuition is paid for. I do not have a relationship with the guy, hardly talk to him, and told my bf on our FIRST DATE that I am still married and he was okay with it.
He threw in my face last week that I hate all women because I am so insecure.
Not true. I get a lot of hatred from shorter or thicker women and just don't care making friends if I don't feel a connection. If I hang out with 10 guys and 2 women who are hostile, I don't bend over backwards to make them like me. Most women are catty towards me and I don't like girly women. I don't have any enemies and get along with all women at work and all women at previous workplaces.
He threw in my face last week that I am wearing sexy stuff at work.
I don't even own high heels. Yes, about 2x per month I wear tight dresses. But they end at the knees and have sleeves and no cleavage. They are sexy though. The other women at work dress sexier but they are older and shorter and thicker - that's not my fault. I would have dressed less sexy if I would have know it botheres him. He said it doesn't bother him, he likes it.
I think it's harder to let it go when you feel like it's your fault. If the other person screwed up, you think I'm better off without them, I can just move on. But if you feel like it was you, it's harder to process the guilt and blame.
Some things just aren't meant to be. I was in a similar situation where someone was actually really sweet to me and I screwed it up. I felt bad and tried to amend it, but every time I tried to fix it, it just made the situation worse. And every time it ended again, there was always a sense of relief. I don't know about you but maybe that jealousy burden has been lifted from you.
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