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Some men do change overnight as soon as they have you trapped in a marriage or with kids or both. Emotional abuse usually starts slowly and escalates.
As long as we were dating my second ex was sweet and a true gentleman, opening doors and all that good stuff, bringing little gifts, etc. He was like a breath of fresh air after the bully I had been married to. But in time I started noticing how he checked up on me and told me how long I should be gone to the store. The controlling started real slow and the manipulating and when we had a fight he was quick to say "I'm sorry, I should not have done or said that" even though he would do the same exact thing a week later. Then I was accused of being too sensitive.
Leaving is easier said than done. Especially when you have no family or friends to stay with and you make just enough to live on and have no savings.
I guess certain people are easier to manipulate and control. people with already low selfesteem and who have a hard time trusting others because of past experiences. They abuse that first and then work on you till you get so tired and worn out that you just "allow it", you don't even know or care about what's happening anymore. At first everyone you confide in, tells you to leave but after a while they stop because they figure they are wasting their time. But anyone who is not in such a situation cannot imagine how trapped you feel. How you hits walls with every plan you make to get out. Your selfworth hits bottom and that doesn't help at all. You're isolated by the abuser because all your friends and family are no good, according to him. They are so convincing that you start to believe it plsu you're too tired mentally to ask questions.
Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because black and blue marks heal faster. Not minimizing physical abuse but emotional abuse is much more dibilitating IMO. A lot of times abusers use a combination of both.
Lady, I can't agree with you more on all subjects. My ex was a dream before we were married, although there were flags...which I ignored...(my choice) he was much as you described. Then when we got married, I even commented to him, that he changes so horifically. I remember how slowly and sublimatally the controlling started. It is a conditioning that takes years...and yes, they are so convincing and will even act out if they can't get they're way...I remember him sitting on the sofa and jumping up and down like a child screaming that he wasn't running around...but he was...2nd day after I left, he bought another women to the house. She stayed overnight. Then she started bringing her laundry there.
Emotional abuse can cause so much damage, that the fear of another relationship, well, simply put, for me, it is out of the question. He almost drove me over the edge. Never want to go there again...never want to feel that pain and heartache again....matter of fact, his sister is the one who said, get outa there, I love my brother, but he will drive you nuts. She also said, "Are you aware of the fact that he HAS severe problems". That was enough for me....
I'm so sorry you experienced this...no man or women should....
My ex is remarried now, and oft times I think of her, and wonder how she's doing? I feel very sorry for her...but so glad, it's not me there any longer.
I can say, I'm better for it...but scared for life, unfortunately. I'd be very afraid to trust again. Sad, but true...and that is why I refuse to date. Never, ever want to go thru that again.
From my experience people who are pursuing you and then rejecting and then pursuing you either have an intense fear of intimacy, in this tug of war type situation the more mature one gets torn down. One who jumps around with either one night stands or one month stands still has problems with intimacy due to poor and unloving parenting. The other option is that and a combination of borderline, narcissistic, and passive aggressive traits, again those traits are because of poor and unloving parenting and the family culture that backs it up, to boot. As their victim you end up feeling like the rejected and unloved child that they once were. Why do that to youself? Find somebody and wait until you find a person who knows how to love.
Quote:
Originally Posted by karibear
Relationships aren't what one jumps in and out of, those are more commonly known as one night stands. A relationship is generally defined as a monogamous pairing, with the intent to stay paired. It doesn't actually matter how long it lasts or doesn't last, what matters is the intent. It's entirely possible to intend to remain with a particular person the rest of one's life, and suddenly find oneself running like a scalded cat to the nearest shelter and a divorce lawyer. Unfortunately, by the time it gets to that point, the victimized spouse has usually been brain-washed into thinking it's all their fault, and has been cut off from all friends and family that might help.
I met a woman a few years ago who'd caught her husband getting it on with their 14 year old baby sitter. She wasn't the kind to put up with that and threw him out, and went outside to tell him not to come back. Big mistake. He drove over her with his truck and broke her back, and said later if she'd just let him alone things would have been fine. As soon as she got out of the hospital and finished with physical therapy, she packed up the kids and moved across the country. That wasn't exactly a relationship she just jumped out of, it was initially intended to last until death did them part. He just tried to hurry it along. And I don't think the problem was hers, either.
Yesterday I left my husband after 2 and half years of marriage. I knew and dated him off and on for a long time before we got married. I thought I knew that man. When he lost his job in September, he got meaner and meaner. He called me names in front of his friends, ordered me around, did what he wanted to do. A little bit of me died each day. this is the second marriage I have been through like this. I can't believe I am not a better judge of character. He didn't act like this before we got married. Now, I am having to face the challenge of staring my life all over again and I am terrified. No one understands how deeply words hurt. I was once totally independendant, had a job I loved, and liked myself. Now I feel shame, embarressment, and fear. How did all this come to this? I DO know that I have to trudge ahead before the rest of my soul is gone. He used to humiliate me in front of his friends and treating our dogs better than me. He acted like the world owed him and I was lucky to married to him. It is so hard to go through all of this. It is hard to understand why someone you love could hurt you so much.
Emotional abuse is bad, after awhile you become almost crazy yourself. I hope your friend gets some help and gets out of the situation. I know it can be hard, because you are so screwed up while in the situation that you do not evan see whats going on and in the end you feel like you deserve it.
Blessings Michelle
What.. Ask yourself how would this person know what a therapist opinion was on a private matter? How did she get that info, from the women who is her friend or did the therapist break the law and disclose private info? Your right you all seem to be some jaded men hating women... its always the mans fault. You want equal rights, but cry foul when you have them. Men don't have feelings, we're supposed to just take womens abuse and man up. Women can and are some of the most evil and vile creatures on this planet. You expect everything your way, and when a man does not jump though your hoops, you play head games, or cheat, or start a fight, and some of you even hit men, thinking he cant hit me back, I'm a girl. And when your picking yourself up off the floor, want to scream abuse. Get over yourselves already. You cant be equal and still have the perks of being a women.
Now I am sure most of you will call me a jerk or worse.. I understand you all have your baggage, but to jump out and make claims on a man you have never met, don't know, and only have the slightest idea of one 3rd persons perspective is, one I bet is formed because the man is taking more time for his relationship than she like and wants her friend back, so she moans about it on some forum.. knowing the femanazi types will agree he is the DEBIL and call him everything from a immature jerk to a wife beater. just ludicrous.
Now who sounds hateful and jaded? Not many Saturday afternoon woman-bashing luncheons in your area, are there?
The woman asked a question, we have to go by what info she provides. If we all preferred to verify info to be true, we wouldn't have much to talk about here, would we?
To answer the OP, emotional abuse doesn't have to be blatant, yelling and screaming. In fact, the most "talented" abusers condition you to it, slowly. And it is tailor made to push your buttons, as only you can be pushed. So, most of the time, no one else sees what you do. Before you know it, you are a carcass of what you used to be, if you stay long enough.
No woman asks for it, they don't always "let" it happen. Many times, they don't see it coming.
It doesn't sound like emotional abuse to me, but I hate putting labels on everything.
Here's a "personal experience" of my own just to look at it from another perspective:
My late wife left her former husband because he didn't speak to her or their kids. Suppose she had come online and posted the scenario she related to me....
"My husband doesn't communicate. One day my daughters and I counted the number of words he spoke all day long -- 17 words total!"
I didn't think of it as her and her daughters emotionally abusing the guy, but wasn't it about the same kind of "game" that the OP's friend was subjected to?
Posters come on here and give their side of a story and ask for opinions/validation, and more often than not, especially if it's asked by a woman, the board is quick to validate. If the tables were turned and she posted, "I waited to see how long it would take for him to acknowledge I was there; he didn't say a word for X hours...." How many would say she was guilty of emotional abuse?
I'm not saying it's wrong, or that women necessarily enjoy blasting men; I'm sure I'm guilty of the same thing. My point is that responses are biased from the way the question is asked. And I'm sure more women post on this board than do men, so they relate more to women's issues and complaints.
Here's an innocent example: "No woman asks for it, they don't always "let" it happen. Many times, they don't see it coming."
Why "no woman asks for it"? Why not "nobody asks for it"? Emotional abuse is certainly not gender limited.
Here's an innocent example: "No woman asks for it, they don't always "let" it happen. Many times, they don't see it coming." Why "no woman asks for it"? Why not "nobody asks for it"? Emotional abuse is certainly not gender limited.
Just a thought. Hang me out to dry.
That was in response to some of the input given to the OP. It absolutely happens to men as well.
I dont really know what that passive-agressive really is about etc, but I think they guy just wants to hear things from her that together means she apprechiates him as much as he does her, that he is not the only one giving complements etc. unless he is doing something really wierd...
Anyway I wouldn't call it abuse, that would be if he is making her feel like she is the lesser part of the relation... wouldn't it?
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Relationships aren't what one jumps in and out of, those are more commonly known as one night stands. A relationship is generally defined as a monogamous pairing, with the intent to stay paired. It doesn't actually matter how long it lasts or doesn't last, what matters is the intent. It's entirely possible to intend to remain with a particular person the rest of one's life, and suddenly find oneself running like a scalded cat to the nearest shelter and a divorce lawyer. Unfortunately, by the time it gets to that point, the victimized spouse has usually been brain-washed into thinking it's all their fault, and has been cut off from all friends and family that might help.
I understand what you are saying....
