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He is entitled to feel let down and disappointed, and he is entitled to work through his feelings. They are only natural.
BUT if he knew when he married you that you did not what kids for 5 or 10 years, then what was he expecting? That you'd suddenly throw your entire career in the crapper because of an accidental pregnancy? That you'd suddenly see abortion the same way he does? Ridiculous!
This is exactly why people need to have these "what would happen if" conversations, regardless of what beliefs they hold. When I was anti-choice, I told boyfriends that if the multiple methods of birth control we used somehow failed and I got pregnant, I'd have the kid and give it away. I told them I would not keep the child and I would not marry them because of a pregnancy. When I became pro-choice, I told them that there would be an abortion. I was very clear with them on all of that. They then had a choice of their own to make, stay with me or not. But they all understood that this was MY decision to make--including my ex-husband. THEIR decision to make was whether to keep dating me.
But that is also where you messed up, as well: You married a man knowing he was anti-choice. You have every right to expect him not to be a jerk to you. But you can't expect him not to grieve the termination of your pregnancy, either.
Unfortunately, I doubt your marriage will survive this.
Gotta go with this. Abortion is a controversial thing. As the thread shows. The main thing here is OP married too young, and to the wrong person. Their beliefs are apparently very different on this major issue, and both probably should have gone their separate ways, to avoid situations like this one. But, things have happened already, so no point in "should have." Though it can be a learning experience for next time, if your marriage does end with this.
He may very well still love you, and you can move past this. But if so, it won't be instant. it's going to take a good while. It may even take some couple counselling. You can't make him be ok with it. You just have to be understanding that he feels very depressed, and may feel, like some on the thread, that you did in fact kill his child, which is why he is so upset in the 1st place. So don't be surprised that he may be upset about this for a while.
But there is a chance that divorce may follow this, especially if you haven't been married that long, maybe an annulment. I don't know about annulments, so getting one here, Idk if it can be done.
But in any case, people will look at things like sex, politics, religion, and abortion, differently. And they are very serious things. So it's best people not get into relationships with very opposing views if either party is very militant about them. So you both made the mistake of dating, let alone marrying with such different views. A backlash like this was bound to happen at some point.
At 19 saying "I am not capable of doing this effectively at this time" is a mature and rational decision. Nothing to do with "being inconvenienced".
Our partners are not incubators for our benefit. If you do not want to have a child at that moment there is nothing "selfish" about not doing so. Even if your partner does want one. Just because your partner might want one at a given time - does not mean you are obliged to comply.
Having a child should be done when - and ideally only when - _both_ parents are invested in doing so at that time. If one is not - then it is not the right time - and there is nothing "selfish" about that.
The OP has made it abundantly clear she is not ready to have a baby at this time. Therefore there is no grounds for anyone - even her husband - to demand she do so.
understand that i realize that she put herself into a tough situation, getting married at a young age, and then getting pregnant shortly there after. however that does not excuse having an abortion for birth control only. if her health was in jeopardy, then an abortion is an acceptable option, but for birth control only, especially when her husband is vehemently against it? not an option imo. in the end i doubt this relationship is going to last as a result, but perhaps it wouldnt have lasted anyway in the long run.
understand that i realize that she put herself into a tough situation, getting married at a young age, and then getting pregnant shortly there after. however that does not excuse having an abortion for birth control only. if her health was in jeopardy, then an abortion is an acceptable option, but for birth control only, especially when her husband is vehemently against it? not an option imo. in the end i doubt this relationship is going to last as a result, but perhaps it wouldnt have lasted anyway in the long run.
Except that her needs and desires are important also, and she obviously lives somewhere where there are not the restrictions on abortion that you are placing on it. If it's a legal procedure, she's entitled to have it without medical justification.
If the OP is for reals, then she and her husband need to work through their issues if they want to go forward. Moralizing after the fact isn't going to help anyone.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 04-01-2016 at 10:08 AM..
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,687 posts, read 41,588,975 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rbohm
understand that i realize that she put herself into a tough situation, getting married at a young age, and then getting pregnant shortly there after. however that does not excuse having an abortion for birth control only. if her health was in jeopardy, then an abortion is an acceptable option, but for birth control only, especially when her husband is vehemently against it? not an option imo. in the end i doubt this relationship is going to last as a result, but perhaps it wouldnt have lasted anyway in the long run.
Like I said earlier, abortion is a last resort. A last resort after other forms of contraception fail like pulling out, condoms, plan B, etc. She owes no one outside of her marriage any justification including CD.
It's a support group for men who are somehow involved in abortion or if their partners had abortions. Fair warning, it's a religious based group. But it might give him the support you say he needs.
You did not HAVE to get an abortion. He had every right to threaten to leave if he actually wanted a baby. Look, yeah you may be young, but I'm 21 and married and pregnant with our second and I'm in college too and he was in his last semester when we got pregnant with our first. If I can do it, so can you. When someone is against something like abortion, then I'm sorry, that could make a marriage fail. He's resenting you for it because his child is gone. If you don't want a baby, then take the steps to prevent pregnancy. He doesn't need to support something you did that he didn't agree with at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crystalballmagic
If she doesn't want kids, then she should took proper birth control or kept her pants on. She had the abortion she has to reap the consequences that this marriage isn't going to last because it wasn't a choice they made. They are married and didn't make a choice together, she did. She took the easy way out. He doesn't have to forgive her. She betrayed his trust.
So you planned both your pregnancies. Planned to get pregnant at 19 while you were both in college and get pregnant again immediately. How do you support two kids while going to school? Who is paying the medical bills. Do you only have sex for reproductive purposes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by katie45
Going off and having an abortion when her husband wants children is telling her husband that what he wants is insignificant and his feelings mean nothing. He has a wife who leaves him in the dust.
When my sister became pregnant with her third her husband wanted her to abort and tried bullying her to do so. She refused against his wishes and dealt with his anger and overall chittiness and had a beautiful baby boy. So given your logic did she leave her husband in the dust? would he be justified in his resentment of her, feeling betrayed and have every right to leave her pregnant with two small kids because she felt his feelings were insignificant in this decision?
I decided to get an abortion after I found I was pregnant because I am not ready to have kids at this time. I'm 19 in college and focused on getting through school and having a career before I have kids
So do we know why she HAD to have an abortion? Or did she mean she WANTED an abortion?
All I can think of is maybe she knew her husband would be very unlikely to consent to giving the child up for adoption, so she'd have to be a parent when she wants to be or not. For a scared 19 year old who knows she not ready to be a parent, that sure can feel like a "have to" situation.
Last edited by Ginge McFantaPants; 04-01-2016 at 01:36 PM..
Marrying somebody whose views on abortion oppose yours, and then getting an abortion and wondering "how you can make your husband get over it" is pure folly.
He's not likely to get over it, and if does make peace with it eventually without harboring negativity toward you, it will be something he had to come to terms with on his own...it's nothing you can force. .. as you should have known. You made the choice you felt was best, as is your right. You also knew in doing so that you were doing something he feels is not right. Expecting him to buck up and get past it is highly unrealistic, and speaks to a certain lack of fundamental understanding of others' values and convictions.
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