Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have made a new friend but he is sort of friends with my ex who wasn't very good to me (lied, cheated, never apologized and now acts as though we've never even known each other AND we go to the same school. He is also sleeping with the female friend/ex he cheated on me with and we broke up only a few months ago).
I am very lonley, I have always been, so I am very glad to have found a friend. He is very nice and wants to spend time with me and talk to me and he really seems to care about me in a way my ex NEVER did, but I only have friendly feelings for him though. Right now at least.
I was sort of OK (for now) with him being friends with my ex (because they are only shallow friends anyway, they share the same sort of interests so it's mostly just that) but he has now also become friends with the girl my ex cheated on me with.. Of course he knows nothing about this drama so I can't really blame him (even though I can't help but to do) since both my ex and the chick seem like really good, friendly people on the surface and that's all he knows them as.
Now, I wanna keep my friendship with this guy but I can't knowing he is friends with people who's hurt me so badly and who makes me feel both physically and emotionally ill so I suppose I should tell him? I just don't know where t begin though, like "by the way I see you are are friends with *insert name of ex* you know we dated and it wasn't a very good relationship and he went behind my back constantly with *insert name of the chick* and that doesn't make me feel very good".. I've waited for him to ask about my relationship with my ex so I can get a chance to tell him naturally (which I thought he would since he knows him as well) but it hasn't happened, which means I need to bring it up. We've only "gone out" 4 times and with other words not known each other super-long.
I'd probably feel the most comfortable telling him over text.. I don't know what emotions it would trigger in me talking about it in person aand I am really shy and I won't feel comfortable talking about my past relationship so I don't know how it would go talking about it face to face (and on phone is not an option either, I don't do phone calls).. So any advice, please? How do I bring it up? I'm not expecting him to just automatically hate both of them and "pick my side" or whatever, but I want him to know so I can see from his reaction if he is worth keeping as a friend or not.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,728,963 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by angela0000
Hello..!
I have made a new friend but he is sort of friends with my ex who wasn't very good to me (lied, cheated, never apologized and now acts as though we've never even known each other AND we go to the same school. He is also sleeping with the female friend/ex he cheated on me with and we broke up only a few months ago).
I am very lonley, I have always been, so I am very glad to have found a friend. He is very nice and wants to spend time with me and talk to me and he really seems to care about me in a way my ex NEVER did, but I only have friendly feelings for him though. Right now at least.
I was sort of OK (for now) with him being friends with my ex (because they are only shallow friends anyway, they share the same sort of interests so it's mostly just that) but he has now also become friends with the girl my ex cheated on me with.. Of course he knows nothing about this drama so I can't really blame him (even though I can't help but to do) since both my ex and the chick seem like really good, friendly people on the surface and that's all he knows them as.
Now, I wanna keep my friendship with this guy but I can't knowing he is friends with people who's hurt me so badly and who makes me feel both physically and emotionally ill so I suppose I should tell him? I just don't know where t begin though, like "by the way I see you are are friends with *insert name of ex* you know we dated and it wasn't a very good relationship and he went behind my back constantly with *insert name of the chick* and that doesn't make me feel very good".. I've waited for him to ask about my relationship with my ex so I can get a chance to tell him naturally (which I thought he would since he knows him as well) but it hasn't happened, which means I need to bring it up. We've only "gone out" 4 times and with other words not known each other super-long.
I'd probably feel the most comfortable telling him over text.. I don't know what emotions it would trigger in me talking about it in person aand I am really shy and I won't feel comfortable talking about my past relationship so I don't know how it would go talking about it face to face (and on phone is not an option either, I don't do phone calls).. So any advice, please? How do I bring it up? I'm not expecting him to just automatically hate both of them and "pick my side" or whatever, but I want him to know so I can see from his reaction if he is worth keeping as a friend or not.
No, you shouldn't. Or at least you shouldn't do so to try to manipulate him into ending friendships for your benefit. You should have a friendship with him, or not, based on your relationship with him. If you can't be friends with him then fine, end it. Don't create drama.
No, you shouldn't. Or at least you shouldn't do so to try to manipulate him into ending friendships for your benefit. You should have a friendship with him, or not, based on your relationship with him. If you can't be friends with him then fine, end it. Don't create drama.
Like I said, i'm not trying to get him to hate them, put him against them or end his friendship with them. He can do whatever he wants to but from the way he acts he really seem to like me. A lot, and I need a friend and I like him. If he doesn't care and wants to stay friends with them anyway, then he can but he won't ever hear from me again. I don't want any drama, I just want to see if he cares as much as he seem to do. I can't handle drama, I am way too sensitive and easily stressed.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,728,963 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by angela0000
Like I said, i'm not trying to get him to hate them, put him against them or end his friendship with them. He can do whatever he wants to but from the way he acts he really seem to like me. A lot, and I need a friend and I like him. If he doesn't care and wants to stay friends with them anyway, then he can but he won't ever hear from me again. I don't want any drama, I just want to see if he cares as much as he seem to do.
You're trying to manipulate him into getting rid of his friends to ease your ego. That is exactly what you are doing.
You're trying to manipulate him into getting rid of his friends to ease your ego. That is exactly what you are doing.
Not really. He likes me and is a friend of mine and I am lonley and need a friend. I don't see why I should let the two people who has already ruined so much for me ruin my friendship with this person as well. If you think things are always about feeding ones ego, that says more about what type of person you are. Plus the guy wants to constantly have my attention and he isn't super-close with those people anyway and if this guy is so interested in me he should know that being friends with those people aren't exactly a good idea if he wants to keep seeing me and I can't just cut him off for no reason, he is so kind to me. But if he wants to have them as friends then fine. I don't care, it's his choice.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,728,963 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by angela0000
Not really. He likes me and is a friend of mine and I am lonley and need a friend. I don't see why I should let the two people who has already ruined so much for me ruin my friendship with this person as well. If you think things are always about feeding ones ego, that says more about what type of person you are.
They aren't ruining your friendship with this person. You may be ruining your friendship with this person. You are deciding that his being friends with them means you can't be friends with him. They aren't doing anything to you by being his friend and him their friends. This is 1000% your decision, and within your control. Sorry, that's just the truth.
If you want to be friends with him you can be. So be a friend back to him and don't try to dictate to him who he can hang out with. That is not being a friend.
They aren't ruining your friendship with this person. You may be ruining your friendship with this person. You are deciding that his being friends with them means you can't be friends with him. They aren't doing anything to you by being his friend and him their friends. This is 1000% your decision, and within your control. Sorry, that's just the truth.
If you want to be friends with him you can be. So be a friend back to him and don't try to dictate to him who he can hang out with. That is not being a friend.
So, being friends with him means I cannot tell him that those 2 people have hurt me because telling him that equals manipulating him into not being friends with them anymore? Right..
And how about if I am hanging out with him and we run into them, or if he actually does ask me about my past relationship, should I lie and say it was great because otherwise - oops I told him the truth, now I manipulated him because he doesn't have a free will and can't choose if he wants to keep in touch with them anyway, oh no!!
And as I said, I am not comfortable with it so I guess the best thing to do is to just cut off a great guy without any explanation and hurt his feelings instead of telling him the only reason why I feel uncomfortable being friends with him?
And it just feel so hopeless, I have always been alone and for once in my life a really great person shows up but I can't stay friends with him because this whole situation is so uncomfortable to me.. it's like I am meant to not have any people who makes me feel good in my life or anyone at all for that matter lmao.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,728,963 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by angela0000
So, being friends with him means I cannot tell him that those 2 people have hurt me because telling him that equals manipulating him into not being friends with them anymore? Right..
And how about if I am hanging out with him and we run into them, or if he actually does ask me about my past relationship, should I lie and say it was great because otherwise - oops I told him the truth, now I manipulated him because he doesn't have a free will and can't choose if he wants to keep in touch with them anyway, oh no!!
And as I said, I am not comfortable with it so I guess the best thing to do is to just cut off a great guy without any explanation and hurt his feelings instead of telling him the only reason why I feel uncomfortable being friends with him?
And it just feel so hopeless, I have always been alone and for once in my life a really great person shows up but I can't stay friends with him because this whole situation is so uncomfortable to me.. it's like I am meant to not have any people who makes me feel good in my life or anyone at all for that matter lmao.
If you tell him because you want to share with a friend that is one thing.
If you tell him to try to manipulate his actions that is completely different. That is not being a friend.
If you run into them you do what any adult would do, take the high road and act like an adult.
You CAN stay friends with him. You may choose not to. That is completely different. You're inviting and creating drama here. Your post screams drama. Stop it.
So, being friends with him means I cannot tell him that those 2 people have hurt me because telling him that equals manipulating him into not being friends with them anymore? Right..
Your sarcasm is unwarranted because you yourself wrote this in the first post:
Quote:
Originally Posted by angela0000
Now, I wanna keep my friendship with this guy but I can't knowing he is friends with people who's hurt me so badly and who makes me feel both physically and emotionally ill
This ^^ is proof that IF you tell him, YES, you will be manipulating him BECAUSE you aren't just "informing" him that you know these people; you actually do want him to stop being friends with them. You said it right here.
If you tell him because you want to share with a friend that is one thing.
If you tell him to try to manipulate his actions that is completely different. That is not being a friend.
If you run into them you do what any adult would do, take the high road and act like an adult.
You CAN stay friends with him. You may choose not to. That is completely different. You're inviting and creating drama here. Your post screams drama. Stop it.
Well like I have already said so many times, I am not trying to manipulate him. I do not manipulate people.
But him wanting to be friends with them is not ok, and I just want him to, as my friend, to know the truth and then it is completely up to him what he wants to do. Right now I am avoiding him and making up excuses to not see him and eventually he will understand that i'm avoiding him and he'll either think i'm a ***** and that I am pushing him away rather than telling him what's wrong, or he'll ask me why i'm suddenly acting so strange. And it feels really unfair to him because of how sweet he is to me.
I just don't know what to do, I can choose not to tell him but that will just lead to me ignoring him instead and pushing him away and I will have lost a friend who will just be confused as to why I did that to him.
Then again I guess I can't just bring it up out of nowhere so I won't. Other people will show up in my life anyway I guess, eventually..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
