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I think one big lesson in this thread is that anyone considering marriage should definitely consult with both an attorney and a financial advisor before getting married to consider all the ramifications when things don't work out the way you had hoped.
No, the lesson is, either go MGTOW or if you are stupid enough o consider marriage, go spend a couple of days at the divorce court. Chances are that what you see will end that stupidity.
Pretty easy to hand out advice when you don't have that experience.
It's important advice if you don't want to end up being one of the guys who comes here to whine about how the wife got everything. If anyone had advised him to get an arbitration lawyer, y'all would be screaming bloody murder, saying, "Do you know what divorce is like for a man??! He needs a lawyer who will run circles around her lawyer and any BS measures she comes up with in the meantime." Sorry I wasn't mealy-mouthed enough with my advice to suit you.
It's important advice if you don't want to end up being one of the guys who comes here to whine about how the wife got everything. If anyone had advised him to get an arbitration lawyer, y'all would be screaming bloody murder, saying, "Do you know what divorce is like for a man??! He needs a lawyer who will run circles around her lawyer and any BS measures she comes up with in the meantime." Sorry I wasn't mealy-mouthed enough with my advice to suit you.
Even the best lawyer can only do so much, when the entire system is stacked against you.
No, the lesson is, either go MGTOW or if you are stupid enough o consider marriage, go spend a couple of days at the divorce court. Chances are that what you see will end that stupidity.
There's also such a thing as people who date but don't intend to get married...?
It doesn't have to be an extreme, a stance or "being part of a movement." You don't have to wear a badge and know the special handshake in order to be a perfectly average, non-bitter person who simply doesn't want to be married.
It's important advice if you don't want to end up being one of the guys who comes here to whine about how the wife got everything. If anyone had advised him to get an arbitration lawyer, y'all would be screaming bloody murder, saying, "Do you know what divorce is like for a man??! He needs a lawyer who will run circles around her lawyer and any BS measures she comes up with in the meantime." Sorry I wasn't mealy-mouthed enough with my advice to suit you.
I feel (not sure whether I'm correct about this) that the OP doesn't WANT to be divorced, he's even asking now whether it's appropriate that he sleep with his soon-to-be-ex wife. I'm sure that's why he's just playing a lot of games, trying to "teach her a lesson" so she'll come back to him. She's not going to, though. If anything his strange actions are likely only cementing her decision to break up with him. He keeps speaking of his "concern" about her (esp. re: the gun) but IMO he's acting none too stable himself...calling cops under false pretenses and saying it's so he doesn't ham-hand the boyfriend or worse, inventing scenarios he's "afraid of" where she accuses him of things (but that's his own invention in his own head), fantasizing about creating a false claim to get the boyfriend in trouble, I don't know...he should be as afraid of himself as of anyone else and it's just going the route of very ugly, at least from what's being said here.
But anyway...I think that's why the easygoing halfway "mediation" thing v. brass tacks. He doesn't want to be split up at all, allllllllll this game-playing is actually an effort to show her the error of her ways or something.
Your advice is solid, Ruth. For one's protection, one should retain a GOOD lawyer. Get referrals. Even just Yelp somebody...anything so you have at least a hint that you're getting someone who knows what s/he is doing and will fight hard for you. Particularly in an already pretty ugly situation like this one involving police being called, fear of weapons and accusations of "premeditation," OP being afraid of blowing up and what might happen, this concern for whatever reason that she's gong to file that protection against abuse (I think) order, etc., etc. Sorry folks, but this is serious stuff and yes, it demands stepping back and giving it over to a SERIOUS attorney.
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Even the best lawyer can only do so much, when the entire system is stacked against you.
Even the best lawyer can't to a single darned thing if you've decided in advance that the world is sooooooooooo unfair to men and sooooooooo slated toward women and therefore, you're just going to lie down and die and who cares what attorney you hire.
They can't drag you by the arm into fighting for yourself.
No, the lesson is, either go MGTOW or if you are stupid enough o consider marriage, go spend a couple of days at the divorce court. Chances are that what you see will end that stupidity.
I know a few divorced people, none went to court--everyone did arbitration. I think only the worst of the worst cases actually go to court. So going to divorce court to learn what marriage is like before you marry is kind of like going to the site of a airplane accident before making travel plans so you know how bad it could be on the flight to wherever you are going.
Another fun fact, most people who divorce, remarry (with slightly more men than women looking to marry again). Divorce is no walk in the park I imagine, but it must not be all that bad if so many are willing to risk it again.
Here is a source for the OP to help him ferret out myths from reality. Divorce Myths Uncovered - Divorce Source (I found the bit on adultery interesting since that's what the OP is facing. It might be better for him (cost-wise) to go for a no fault divorce. Sounds like proving adultery can be expensive. But he should talk to a lawyer about it).
And OP, STILL get a lawyer even if you do arbitration. You need someone to give you good sound advice for you.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TMBGBlueCanary
I know a few divorced people, none went to court--everyone did arbitration.
Yeah, actually going to court is pretty darn uncommon, about 5% plus or minus from what I've seen printed. So, 1/20 of 1/3... So about a 1.5% chance of it happening if you get married. Scary.
Even the best lawyer can only do so much, when the entire system is stacked against you.
Not true. My brother has handled divorces, and he's blown his clients' minds with what he was able to do. The entire system is not stacked against the OP (nice try at bringing out that old saw, but we've heard it a million times), but he needs good legal advice and he needs it now, not 2 weeks from now, when his appointment with the lawyer is.
And yeah, JerZ, I get that back in the beginning, he was holding out hope for reconciliation, but it should be clear by now that that's not going to happen. IMO while he waits for his lawyer app't to roll around in 2 weeks, he could be doing research on other lawyers who might be available sooner, who might have a more aggressive orientation.
The only way the "system" is "stacked" against anyone is in communal property states, where assets get split 50/50 according to certain rules. And in those states, women get cleaned out, too. Been there, seen that. Gloria Steinem was the first person to publicly advocate that people with assets to lose shouldn't get married, or not in communal prop'ty states, anyway. It wasn't any men's movement, it was the women's movement that advised that back in the 70's or early 80's, I think.
I feel (not sure whether I'm correct about this) that the OP doesn't WANT to be divorced, he's even asking now whether it's appropriate that he sleep with his soon-to-be-ex wife. I'm sure that's why he's just playing a lot of games, trying to "teach her a lesson" so she'll come back to him.
I think his toying with the idea of sleeping with her again was more about getting back at the new guy than anything else.
It's all ego. He's finally wound up because she picked someone else.
She's known this other guy for 6 years, and OP claims he noticed that she detached 6 months ago, though it was probably earlier. He didn't really bother to check in with emotionally his WIFE then, but boy, when another guy came onto the scene ... OP suddenly turns into 007.
I know a few divorced people, none went to court--everyone did arbitration. I think only the worst of the worst cases actually go to court. So going to divorce court to learn what marriage is like before you marry is kind of like going to the site of a airplane accident before making travel plans so you know how bad it could be on the flight to wherever you are going.
Which makes it a great idea so people will understand why it is in everyone's interests (except the attorneys) to reach a settlement in mediation. As the mediator told us, judges don't like having to decide the terms of your divorce, if the judge has to make the decision chances are neither of you will be happy with it. In Texas, mediation is required before the judge will even hear it.
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