For those that have been divorced...

[Metaphysique]

I was married to my first husband for 10.5 years. There was no guilt on either part. The split was amicable. Much like your experience, we married very young and the initial reasons for marrying (extremely religious, following expectations/duties) changed mid-way into our marriage. We got along and were compatible in some ways, but not in a lot of other ways. We went down different paths and wanted different things. We were already headed in the direction toward the end, around year 7, or at least I felt and knew it.

So, yeah, I never felt guilty for the marriage not working out. It was important to both of us that we find what we want and what can add to the life/path we desire.

[AhRainess]

If you ended the relationship, how long did the guilt of hurting the other person last? Does it ever go away?
I decided to be selfish this time and thought about myself. I thought about all the times he hurt me and how I almost wanted to end my life because of it. How he felt never crossed my mind, but how he was going to react or do to me did.

When did your emotions level off (I feel like every day is a roller coaster of guilt, fear and relief)?
It took me 15 years to find the courage to leave him. After I left him, I did felt scared and lonely, but that went away rather quickly. You'll be surprised of how strong you really are once you just do it and WISH you done it wayyyyy earlier.

If you had to live together after the divorce discussion, how did you get through the awkwardness of not being together but living under the same roof? Does it get easier?
Not a good idea. I told him I wanted a divorce in January. We lived together for a month after that because I was waiting for my apartment to get ready. Both of us wanted one of us to get out so bad. Once I got out, things got better.

Any advice to keep things open and amicable?
There is light at the end of the tunnel. After we separated and divorced, he wasn't violent like he had threatened me many times. He became a better father and we are actually "friends." We talk to each other like friends, even about our dating disasters. The key to us being friends is really our son, but if I had no kids with him, I wouldn't have any kind of relationship with him right now. I usually don't like to remain friends with my exes. It's either all or nothing for me.

I guess if you and your husband are on good terms, I think it would be easier to remain friends afterwards.

[goldenlove]

Honestly, I was where you are, OP, 4 years ago. We had been married for 20 years and had just become roommates. We had been through a lot of hard things in our marriage and it finally had worn me down. He would have stayed married, even unhappily, but not me. I was done. I was 45 years old and ready to be happy again. He begged me to go to counseling and I agreed because I figured it would help him learn to live without me in his life. He cried every single day. He lost 47 lbs in 3 months. He was miserable. I realized that he actually did love me, even though he didn't show it in a way that I could see. We kept up the counseling and learned how to communicate much more appropriately.

4 years later we are happier than we have ever been. We reinvented our marriage and our commitment to each other. It doesn't work for everyone, but it did for us. We had too much time and history invested to just throw it away.

[YAZ]

Originally Posted by Eazine

• If you ended the relationship, how long did the guilt of hurting the other person last? Does it ever go away?

My ex-wife announced her intentions to divorce, but
I was the one that filed as I knew she'd try to drag it out as long as possible. Our marriage was over three years prior anyway.

• When did your emotions level off (I feel like every day is a roller coaster of guilt, fear and relief)?

The old adage, "One day at a time" fits me here. After I got through most of the "firsts".....first Thankgiving without her, first birthday, etc......things started to settle in.

• If you had to live together after the divorce discussion, how did you get through the awkwardness of not being together but living under the same roof? Does it get easier?

Can't answer. I left as soon as she announced that her new lover was to move into our home.

• Any advice to keep things open and amicable?

Limit contact at least until the divorce is final. Three months passed from filing to decree in hand. You're going to find out who your friends are....and I mean that in a good way. Limit information you give to mutual friends, because it's a cold hard fact:

People take sides.

[reneeh63]

My experience was very similar to yours in that I married quite young, but out of college after having known each other for 3 years and living together for a year. We grew apart over a period of 12 years..after discussing well before marriage that I didn't want kids, he decided he did. 15 years later, he's never remarried...no kids - I think it was a way to divorce such that I had no illusions that we could work things out. That said, he drug his feet for so long that I finally had to take the initiative. Crazy that I originally didn't want the divorce but ended up forcing it because I couldn't handle the pain of being in limbo. THAT actually made me very angry. We ended up living in the same house for 6 months after "separating", waiting for it to sell - that was hell on earth - not because of fighting but the terrible loneliness while being in such close proximity.

It was actually fairly amicable but I was totally and completely devastated as he was my first "boyfriend". I didn't date for 7 years. We remain "friends" to this day - I accompanied him to his colonoscopy to give him a ride and everyone assumed we were married and were shocked to find out differently. I did finally recover and am in a committed relationship of 10 years but I'll never marry again.

Good luck.

[kygman]

I've been divorced twice. Marriage #1, neither one us was ready. This was when, in small towns like where we lived, if you got her pregnant, you got married. That one last 2 years. That one hurt me big time. It was her parents who ended the marriage, but that's a totally different story. Having a lot of time by myself, I had a lot of time to think about it and know that it was better for both of us and our daughter.
Marriage #2 ended 2 weeks before our 20th anniversary. She said she had never been just "her". She went from "Joe and Jane's" daughter (of course not real names), to my wife, to our sons' mom. Never just her and had always wondered if she could make it on her own. I'll admit she's done good for herself since then. I didn't feel that bad about the divorce. Yes, it bothered me and I hurt, but I knew we needed it. We did almost nothing but argue which wasn't good for the boys.

One thing about both exes, is we're still good friends. Daughter from marriage #1 is grown with kids of her own and Mama hasn't been seen in a while. When my present wife and I do something for my sons, ex #2 is invited. Youngest got married where I live, about 70 miles from his mother. We invited her to stay with us for the wedding.
If there and children in a former marriage, it's good to at least be civil to each other when doing something with the family. It's not their fault the marriage didn't last.

[Eazine]

Thanks to everyone sharing your stories, experiences and advice. It reminds me there isn't a one size fits all (hating each other or being best pals) when it comes to divorce and how relationships carry on after. Today was a good day, we had brief but open and honest communication around the tension, shared a few laughs, some tears and went about our day. I'm just going to take each day as it comes.

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by Eazine

Thanks to everyone sharing your stories, experiences and advice. It reminds me there isn't a one size fits all (hating each other or being best pals) when it comes to divorce and how relationships carry on after. Today was a good day, we had brief but open and honest communication around the tension, shared a few laughs, some tears and went about our day. I'm just going to take each day as it comes.

There's no harm nor foul about people growing apart - growing away from one another over time. You and your husband appear to be handling it maturely and reasonably. What I discovered during the intense drama the ex ushered into our divorce was that I really disliked her and had for awhile. Ultimately I wished I'd been the one to initiate the divorce and had done so much sooner. But I got over that and through it all never wished her anything but peace and happiness. Sadly, until she lapsed into early-onset dementia at about age 48 the ex despised me and did her level best to poison our children against me.

I sounds as if both you and your husband are handling this well. Just keep in mind that feelings can be neither right nor wrong. Usually they just are! However it turns out I wish both of you the best of luck.

[Ted Bear]

I went through the divorce from hell with an ANGRY, ABUSIVE attorney wife. She knew every dirty trick in the book, and used each and every one.


I don't think I was ever at the point of being completely "broken", but I was overwhelmed by her constant barrage of legal filings and harassment.


I learned to take each step forward, one at a time. I knew there was nothing that I couldn't do, and while the big picture looked beyond resolution, I took one step forward at a time. Literally, get up, get dressed, eat, go to work, do my very best, plan, organize, write, and prepare. There were no tasks I couldn't individually accomplish, and that is how I handled the emotion, the assault, the attack.


You can do the same. Forget about the big picture. About dating. About "the future" ten years from now. Think about this hour, this day, and get done what you need to get done. You are a smart person. You will do the right things. You will be strong because it is your nature. Move forward. Do NOT burden your friends. They don't care, most likely. They are sincere, but they are worried about their own things...paying the CC Bills, getting the kids to soccer, preparing dinner.


One step at a time. The journey will take care of itself if you do the small things well.

[rcsteiner]

Originally Posted by Eazine

To all the members who’ve been through a divorce or breakup after a long term relationship/marriage - please share your experiences with me:

• If you ended the relationship, how long did the guilt of hurting the other person last? Does it ever go away?
• When did your emotions level off (I feel like every day is a roller coaster of guilt, fear and relief)?
• If you had to live together after the divorce discussion, how did you get through the awkwardness of not being together but living under the same roof? Does it get easier?
• Any advice to keep things open and amicable?

My wife and I were together for 15+ years, and married for 12. We separated in Dec 2014, and the divorce was just finalized on March 8 2016. I ended the relationship.

I don't feel guilty. The reality was this: we both needed a change. Neither one of us was happy, even though we were on good terms, and a parting of the ways was more positive than staying together. I'm sure in some ways she still wishes we could have stayed together, but other social circumstances made the decision almost mandatory on my part.

The 15 months or so that I spent apart from her when we were formally separated allowed me to settle myself down and figure out who I was again on my own. I took a bit of an emotional hit when I actually did the formal divorce filing in Feb, and again the day that I had to go in person to court for the uncontested divorce, but other than those specific days I've been ok.

When I first told her I wanted a divorce, in the summer of 2014, she went to live on the other side of the house. We have three bedrooms and a full bath on that side, so she spent her time over there, and I stayed in the master bedroom/bathroom suite. That helped. We were together in the afternoon after work and for dinner. Like I said, we were on good terms. We are still friends, albeit not actively in each others lives yet. I think the hardest time was while she was packing. There were boxes all over the house. And maybe also the first week or so after she left.

How to keep things open and amicable? I would say be honest, don't bring up petty stuff, and focus on making the process a smooth process for both people. I figured that I didn't have to be right all the time, and that it was more important to take the high road and be free at the end than end up getting angry about things that I couldn't change anyway.