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Thanks Zeurich. I definitely agree with you there. My parents divorced when I was 3, and I remember the endless parade of men.
I am starting grad school in August and will go for 3 years, so I'll be pretty busy doing that.....Only thing is, I potentially want more children and am already 32. Not old, I know, but will be 35 when I finish school, so I am hoping I've met someone by then if it's going to happen. I'm not too caught up in the idea of it, because like you said, I have to put the kids first. I also want to focus on myself as well, and with working 2 jobs, things are pretty busy already!
If you want your kids to turn out not to be entitled little princes and princesses, then learn to put their needs as equal, not first. Kids who get put first at the expense of their parents' needs are invariably the ones who turn out to think that the world owes them something.
In real life it is. I've run into several single moms dating, and by and large they all put parenting first, and seeking relationships second or third (often behind career). But their priorities are in order, and its hard to have anything but respect for them.
Now, on this forum or daytime TV shows, that's something else. But dating someone with ONE child is difficult enough to make it work scheduling wise.
You and believe007 have very different social circles (and other factors). lol I'm not at all surprised by the difference based on what I know of you and what you share.
The single/divorced parents in my circle are not at all like what believe007 expresses, based on his/her limited experience and small sample.
Gosh, how would one find the time or energy to date with 4 kids and the ex in another state?
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So many people are looking for the next thing, the thing they think will make them happy or fill their dreams, instead of dealing with the present realities and making the most of it. Mine is I'll never be a father or husband like I hoped I would. I still have hopes of maybe getting married, but it isn't all too likely, and I don't bank on it or look on it for happiness. I look for happiness today with what I have.
I don't know how you feel about this personally, but many guys find it as much, or even more, rewarding ending up with a quality woman who has awesome kids and becoming a step dad than having kids of their own.
Of course this would be making sure to screen out women with bratty, entitled kids that have been taught that their needs supersede everyone else's, including the parents.
I wouldn't rush into anything. Your kids are still getting used to things, as are you. take some time to get used to your new life, and in a year or so maybe date. There will always be people to date, but no good comes of rushing into it after a divorce, like your husband has done. And it sounds like you have the kids, they don't need to see another man around so quickly. My friend recently separated not even divorced yet, and immediately started a serious relationship with all the kids involved. Once that ended, it was even harder because the kids were attached. I really think bad idea to jump quickly. Take care!
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy
I don't know how you feel about this personally, but many guys find it as much, or even more, rewarding ending up with a quality woman who has awesome kids and becoming a step dad than having kids of their own.
Sure they do. I've known a few. But, meeting someone and falling for someone that happens to have a couple of kids is a completely different thing than having four, not planning on working, going to grad school, not co-parenting with the father of those existing kids, and having a timeline for everything so they can have even MORE kids.
Sure they do. I've known a few. But, meeting someone and falling for someone that happens to have a couple of kids is a completely different thing than having four, not planning on working, going to grad school, not co-parenting with the father of those existing kids, and having a timeline for everything so they can have even MORE kids.
Who said I didn't want to have children? I've never stated that, because it wasn't the truth.
But I said I deal with reality. Mine is I'm 44 and it would be irresponsible for me to have children at this time, because I would be at retirement age when I started to pay for their college and I wouldn't have the physical strength in my late 50s and 60s to keep up with a teen (more than likely).
But, a quality guy isn't going to latch on to a not-even-divorced mom, with four kids (or three kids, or probably even 2 kids... though that has a shot) who wants to go to grad school (I love education, but why? What is the point of that grad school? There are precious few jobs that pay enough to cover child care for 4 kids) and to someone that wants to have MORE children as soon as they're done grad school (so they clearly won't be working).
Deal with reality. One can dream. But it isn't plausible to find a guy that wants to jump in and be a step parent and a new parent in that situation. Might it happen? Sure, but I also might hit the lottery. Someone does. But looking for it or banking on it isn't reality.
So many people are looking for the next thing, the thing they think will make them happy or fill their dreams, instead of dealing with the present realities and making the most of it. Mine is I'll never be a father or husband like I hoped I would. I still have hopes of maybe getting married, but it isn't all too likely, and I don't bank on it or look on it for happiness. I look for happiness today with what I have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
Gosh, how would one find the time or energy to date with 4 kids and the ex in another state?
I'm wondering that too. I work full time, im graduating grad school in a few weeks, and I only have one child. I wanted to give parenting, my career/education my all--I also have an active lifestyle so that meant to complete things as efficiently and with 100% I had to be willing to forsake everything else that would serve as distractions or be too difficult to manage. Essentially a one track mind(which when you have a lot of things on your plate is literally going to be the key to getting from point a to point b). Before I began grad school I underestimated how much work it would be to manage it, a career, and a young preschooler. I ended up breaking up with the man I was in a relationship with, two months into the program. I think it's easy when you aren't in the situation yet to have these fantasies about how things may be--which I believe may be the case with the op. But I think once reality hits she will do some readjusting. I don't know how she can afford to have more kids on top of her four... I mean hopefully whichever man she does meet that accepts her and her kids is in a financial position(combined with her own) to be able to afford more children... I mean realistically her wants are normal for a single childless women her age, but once you consider her situation that's what sort of makes it challenging to say "well this is the reality..." . Ideally she can have these things if she believes she can, but it's a lot for sure, and is going to require a lot from her. I actually sort of admire it, because I know for sure I could not if I were in her shoes.
If her kids were older, it would be one thing, but being that she's young herself, her kids are most likely under 12, which means more rearing...In any case I hope the op has plenty of support and help along the way, and if she happens to meet a man that is good for her and her kids that commits to her, I do hope that they manage to make it work.
My ex sister in law got divorced three years ago, with three kids, and got married last year to a man that had one child. They already knew each other, they were high school sweethearts, and he was in the military--he was looking for a wife, she was looking for a man that would accept her and her kids and marry her. It worked out. He is a great stepfather and obviously gets plenty of military benefits. What helped in her case is that he never stopped loving her after they broke up after hs.
Now she was working, and in undergrad, and they managed to make it work, but admittingly she was leaving the kids with her mother a lot to make the relationship work, and pretty soon into the relationship she had him meet her kids. This was the only way they were able to move as quickly as they could. A lot of parents do this and it's a to each their own.
I'm not that type of parent so I was never willing to incorporate a man into my sons life if we hadn't been in a serious relationship for at least 6 months, so that meant that dating required a lot of time management on my end, that wouldn't be the case if a woman lets the man meet the kids right away, they are then able to see each other more often because he can come over when the kids are home.
Last edited by Faith2187; 04-22-2016 at 11:06 AM..
Sure they do. I've known a few. But, meeting someone and falling for someone that happens to have a couple of kids is a completely different thing than having four, not planning on working, going to grad school, not co-parenting with the father of those existing kids, and having a timeline for everything so they can have even MORE kids.
One is rather reasonable, the other is not.
You seem to like to look down on situations where the father is not involved. I have to say that in re life Indo not find this to be the case.
I am dating a younger childless, never married guy. I have two kids. One I have 100% of the time. The other, I have all but 4 nights a month. The guy I am dating would rather I have both all the time and my sons father would just disappear completely.
He also is very accepting of enjoying raising my kids and not having any of his own. He is the exact situation I was seeking, and after dating single dads, and now seeing my kids interact with him... I know that the right man for us is child free and can just focus on my kids.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck
You seem to like to look down on situations where the father is not involved. I have to say that in re life Indo not find this to be the case.
I am dating a younger childless, never married guy. I have two kids. One I have 100% of the time. The other, I have all but 4 nights a month. The guy I am dating would rather I have both all the time and my sons father would just disappear completely.
He also is very accepting of enjoying raising my kids and not having any of his own. He is the exact situation I was seeking, and after dating single dads, and now seeing my kids interact with him... I know that the right man for us is child free and can just focus on my kids.
Yeah, I'm not biting at that hook.
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