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It's been known for decades, or longer, that men mostly (mostly) cheat because they perceive a lack of something in their sex lives. It could be mid-life crisis, it could be lack of frequency, lack of variety, scope, etc. but the lack is sexual. Mostly. They may possibly have no other issues (IOW, happy) with the marriage. Women on the other hand are more likely to cheat because they perceive a lack of emotional connectedness with their spouse.
Elizabeth Edwards wrote a book when her husband cheated on her. The whole world joined her in shaming him as a cad and a bounder. Newt Gingrich. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Eliot Spitzer. Cheaters! How many men do the same thing when their wives are unfaithful? All those young teachers busted for inappropriate sexual relationships... married... nearly all of them. A couple dozen in the last few years. All married to stoic, upper middle class businessmen who stand with them at their arraignments, and are never seen on the Today show airing the sordid details for public consumption.
It really could be said that women are changing, more than men are, in that women's affairs in 2015 can also be purely sexual escapism but they are still unlikely to cheat with a complete unknown off Craigslist. It will be with someone the husband has at least passing knowledge of. I started a thread to the effect of 'adultery should not be grounds for divorce'. This upset a number of C-D posters. They misunderstand that I do not think that there should be no valid grounds for divorce, only that affairs, physical or emotional, should not be the sole grounds for dissolving a marriage contract. The bar for something as life altering as divorce needs to be a lot higher than "s/he cheated on me."
My wife does not completely fulfill me sexually. No woman I have ever been involved with on a long term or marriage basis has. Only women I have had brief flings or one night stands with have been what I would consider exciting sexually. But for whatever reason: they weren't that into me, there wasn't anything else in common, etc. marriage with them was unfeasible. Now I wouldn't go looking for an affair with someone, but if one came looking for me... ... so its probably a good thing that I am not in that 20% of men that 80% of women find attractive.
I married my wife under the condition that on no account would one, or even several, instances of adultery be grounds for divorce. We have a high degree of emotional connection, and for her part she is entirely satisfied with our sex life. She is unlikely to cheat. The last job she got, however, put her in an income bracket higher than mine. As I understand it, this is a very bad dynamic in a marriage and often leads to a woman cheating sexually. Nevertheless, she loves me, and I love her. An affair by either of us would not sit well with the other. YMMV.
Bottom line, the only rational course is to live rationally. Spit happens. Given the odds, cheating is a very real possibility in a relationship or marriage. Take steps ahead of time to reduce the chances of it. After it has happened, it can't be undone. Divorce as a response to cheating, or divorce because you feel like you would like to experience sex with someone other than the person you took marriage vows with is not IMO entirely rational. The divorce statistics for second marriages are not that great either. Just saying.
Bottom line, the only rational course is to live rationally. Spit happens. Given the odds, cheating is a very real possibility in a relationship or marriage. Take steps ahead of time to reduce the chances of it. After it has happened, it can't be undone. Divorce as a response to cheating, or divorce because you feel like you would like to experience sex with someone other than the person you took marriage vows with is not IMO entirely rational. The divorce statistics for second marriages are not that great either. Just saying.
This. Thank you. If my husband cheated it would not be an automatic end of all we've built together. That's just crazy.
Thing with the concept of (lifetime) "sexual monogamy" is that it's about upbringing and set of actions, behavior and general reasoning BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER said relationship, in case if the relationship ends in certain ways (i.e. death).
It's incredibly stupid to chase and casually have sex around with previous people whom you break up when one of you feels it's time to move on - and then you date someone else, you two "decide" to be monogamous and that's it - it's a lifetime relationship!
What's so special about being monogamous with someone in your new relationship if you were open for casual dating and/or sex while dating another person in parallel? You two weren't "committed" yet? And what about the one-night stand while being single or whatever, before meeting each other? It doesn't count either?
So, let me guess.... once someone meets you and the promises are made and you feel like "this is it"... he/she better not bang another person from now on, or lie to you to get in the sack with you, nope, that's a no-no. So it's all about making you feel comfortable and having your needs met.
And don't get me wrong - it's not whether someone had one-night stand or if had previous sex partners or not, it's about the attitude. Some people have high standards and low options to get that desired guy/woman in the sack, yet they don't lack the desire to do so.
People in the past knew this and this is why being a widower didn't make one any less attractive and there was a possibility for such people to be even more attractive in many ways. This applied to both, men and women. People changed their attitudes towards widowers with children and towards divorcees due to lots of reasons.
But the most important fact of the matter is this - one's "happiness" or "fulfillment" is NOT in any way an indication of propensity towards sexual affairs. It's rather about their upbringing, reasoning, behavior - former and past. Likelihood of "fruitition" of such propensity is also related to their options, as well as their " "criteria" that they employ.
However, if you want to discuss about long-term/lifetime relationships, then it's definitely irrelevant whether someone's options are slim or large - if they have such propensity to either philander or even substitute/upgrade their SO... they'll likely have plenty of time to find someone who might match their criteria.
I doubt it's a huge, overwhelming portion of the population (of either sex) but I've seen this at work. As a matter of fact, my mother was like this. And no, she wasn't happy - EVER - but she started out unhappy; it wasn't necessarily the husbands' (she ultimately had four) fault (though she did tend to pick losers - truly good guys never seemed attracted to her). She was just an unhappy person overall.
Her deal was this: she didn't know she was REALLY the most compelling woman out there unless she could "take" a husband away from his wife. For this reason, she was most attracted to married men. She bragged to us girls (starting from when I was 7 and my sister was 9) about how she was "so different" from the "boring, sexless" wives and that's why the husbands came running to her. She would literally make a campaign out of "getting" a man to cheat. It didn't always work out - after all, there are good men out there - but then again, much of the time it did because she knew just whom to look for in order to tip the odds in her favor: she could practically smell out a man who wasn't 100% happy in his marriage to begin with. Then she'd use the only thing at her disposal: sex. She'd accidentally (oops!) not wear a bra to work and then hang over the desk of her target with the top two buttons of her blouse unbuttoned, she'd figure out what perfume he liked and start wearing it, she'd figure out what the wife "wasn't doing" and she'd do it. And on and on. If it took months, it took months.
She'd get the guy to do her and then she'd be on top of the world for a few weeks where she figured she'd "won." The guy would tell her how much sexier and smarter and better than his wife she was and blah, blah, blah. She'd brag to us kids (yes, really) and her friends about how it was her "magnificent brain" the man couldn't resist, he'd NEVER met such a "bright" woman. (Yeah, for sure it was that, and not the whole "I'll do you any time, anywhere in any position, any day your wife says 'no' for the hundredth time and I'll bark like a dog if that's what'll get you going...and I'll keep it all secret" thing...I mean may the woman rest in peace, I feel sorry for her now and I did then.)
Then the guy would eventually try to break the affair off and all hell broke loose. With three separate guys over the years, both the husband and wife got on the phone to tell my mother off. It got to the point where the husband that my mother had cheated with couldn't take it any more, confessed to his wife and they actually joined forces (for whatever their reasons were). My mother even had her excuses for that. The wife "had the husband by the ---- " or he just didn't want to spend the money on a divorce or whatever...he really did want my mom more than anything in the world, I mean my gosh, anyone could see it when they were together, he couldn't take his eyes OFF her and blah, blah, blah.
This didn't stop her. She was never happy unless she was getting someone else to cheat and it was way better for her when she was married and doing it. In between marriages she didn't seem to get as much of a kick out of the whole thing.
The problem was, she "needed" all this "proof" of how wanted she was - with the ultimate risk, a man cheating on his wife with her - and any time she had that "high" it didn't last. Either he broke it off as I described above, or she was the one who got bored. Yes, she cheated because she was unhappy...but the intimation in that statement seems to be that a spouse "made" the other spouse unhappy...and certainly in my mother's case, that wasn't true. She started out miserable and could never find that place where she'd be satisfied that she really was wanted and all that. No affair could fill that. No man. Ever.
I'm telling you. They're out there. They don't all have my mother's reasoning or M.O., obviously. People have their own reasons. But they are indeed out there. It happens no matter how "happy" one spouse may have tried to make the other.
Just one quibble with your POV, JerZ. Just because a man fails to take advantage of some stray punani dangled in front of him by a co-worker, doesn't make him automatically a "good man". If he had my ex-wife he would be wise to keep it in his pants. He might also be physically unable to make use of the opportunity. Yes, this also means that his old lady regularly misses out as well. There are of course good men out there but not all the ones that get the label, deserve it.
Just one quibble with your POV, JerZ. Just because a man fails to take advantage of some stray punani dangled in front of him by a co-worker, doesn't make him automatically a "good man". If he had my ex-wife he would be wise to keep it in his pants. He might also be physically unable to make use of the opportunity. Yes, this also means that his old lady regularly misses out as well. There are of course good men out there but not all the ones that get the label, deserve it.
Perhaps. I really didn't make a study of it. It was bad enough that I had to know what I did know.
Maybe they were all neo-Nazis who drowned puppies and tripped little old ladies in the street but were unfortunately impotent, I will never know and I don't want to.
You would actually be able to trust and respect your husband if he cheated? You would actually be able to look at him the same way again? How?
I'm serious. How would you be able to trust that he won't do it again?
Or would you care?
How could you respect him?
I don't know exactly how, except that I would. I respect his ability to be a father and provider. I respect his intelligence and humor. I respect his fierce determination to succeed and be successful. None of that would change if he cheated. He didn't give up on me when I made that mistake, he sees me as more than my transgressions. So I would follow his example and do the same for him.
I don't know exactly how, except that I would. I respect his ability to be a father and provider. I respect his intelligence and humor. I respect his fierce determination to succeed and be successful. None of that would change if he cheated. He didn't give up on me when I made that mistake, he sees me as more than my transgressions. So I would follow his example and do the same for him.
Aaah, that's right. You cheated on him. Hmm...
And he trusts you? He believes you when you say you are somewhere and that you are not cheating again?
How do you live with yourself (a serious question - not trying to be mean)?
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It was bad enough that I had to know what I did know.
