Breaking up over intellectual compatibility? (dating, movies, boyfriend, how to)
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I've been dating a wonderful man with a lot of qualities that I admire and want in a partner. Yet, part of me is hesitant about the future of this relationship. For one, I just don't feel head over heels with him, but now I think I know why. It turns out that for me, our difference in education levels, intellectual pursuits, as well as political opinions is a bigger deal than I thought it would be. I am struggling to decide whether breaking up over intellectual incompatibility is shallow, or whether I should just close my eyes to it, because otherwise, he is wonderful.
He owns a small business and never went to college. His goals in life are to buy a house, have a family and grow his business. He never travelled outside the country, and before me, he ate the same thing pretty much, listened to the same music, etc. He is pretty conservative politically, and his dream home is in a semi-rural setting, on two-three acres. I introduced him to new music and food, and he was receptive, which is a good sign. I took him on a trip to Canada, and a few local day trips, and he said he enjoyed those. But to him, traveling and trying new things is not as important as to me, and, if we stay together, I would be the one planning those all the time.
I consider myself somewhat grounded (I cook, clean, garden), but I also went to college. My goals in life include having a family, but I would rather live somewhere suburban, so I can drive my kids to museums and concerts and theaters. I would like to get a Master's degree at one point. I love traveling and would love to explore new places with my husband and kids, when I have them. I love to read, listen to podcasts, try new foods and new music. My boyfriend loves animals and music, but once he likes something, he can do the same thing for the rest of his life, without trying anything new. He is not a reader.
I've considered breaking up with him because I am worried later in the relationship I may get bored, as awfully as it sounds. He gives me a very strong sense of security and stability, but there is no thrill with him, and I am doubtful about personal growth. At the same time, i know he'd be a loyal husband and a reliable father.
Not sure what the right way to think about this is. Does intellectual compatibility really matter than much? Is it better to be with someone who is equally interested in novelty, and exploring, or is it actually better to be with someone different, so you can complete each other?
If you had similar experiences, please share. Thank you!
Didn't you post something similar awhile back about him not being 'college educated'and 'worldly'?
I did. I wasn't sure how to define it then. Also, there is nothing wrong with not going to college or not traveling, I just wonder, without any intention to be a snob, how much these differences would affect the future of a relationship. Trying to decide if I am just too picky and pretentious with things that don't matter, or whether this is really a potentially big deal. I'd like to see what experiences others have.
It's similar to the recent thread about a married woman bemoaning she no longer wants to be in her marriage.
In her case there never was that spark or sexual attraction/chemistry, just the hope of a secure financial future. And look what happened.
You don't seem to have that spark with him either. Your reasonings as to why, political, etc., are irrelevant in my eyes. You just don't have that true chemistry with him, period.
The concept of one person eventually falling in love with a person that they had no spark or chemistry from the start, is the kind of stuff that only happens in romance novels and movies.
Best to move on before going any further with this 'relationship' and spare the both of you future heartaches.
And please keep this in one thread instead of creating multiple threads about the same guy/situation.
"His goals in life are to buy a house, have a family and grow his business" those sound like amazing goals to me. A lot more than some other guys i have come across. Although i dont know what his business is or how old he is. Sounds like youre unhappy with him. Id end it so he can find someone who appreciates what he has to offer.
I did. I wasn't sure how to define it then. Also, there is nothing wrong with not going to college or not traveling, I just wonder, without any intention to be a snob, how much these differences would affect the future of a relationship. Trying to decide if I am just too picky and pretentious with things that don't matter, or whether this is really a potentially big deal. I'd like to see what experiences others have.
Well if you feel it's an issue, then it is.
You have to decide to move on... Or not.
Others experiences are not yours. Some breakup over very superficial things, some stay together over great divides. It really is your deep down feeling that matters.
As an observation only, since you have posted this question twice, it appears the evidence is clear.
It really doesnt matter what any one else thinks other than you. To some people, intellectual stimulation isnt important. Thats why very intelligent men marry bimbos. They dont care.
To others, mental compatability is very important. I personally dont know why that shouldnt be. But its a personal choice, and only you can decide if its something you can live with, or not.
Each person has a different "list" for what they determine to be requirements for a life partner. Be true to yours.
It's sounds like you just don't agree with his simple kind of life. It happens - move on before you get stuck.
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