Would you date a girl with depression and anxiety? (woman, attractive, friend)
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I need to add that usually they also have self pity, or everything is everybody else's fault, they play the poor victim and/or they don't take responsibility for their actions because their parents treated them badly ... or ... classically, tell me and everybody else it is all MY fault that they dont feel well and you have to keep reminding them that they have had their ups and downs before I entered the picture. or they feel to fat but keep eating donuts. Or they feel to skinny .... or feel like a loser at their job but don't put in any effort ... or ...
Yep, and I've dated several. Do you see me using blanket statements or generalize about a whole swath of people based on my personal and anecdotal experience? I also live with both depression and anxiety, treated, and it sure as hell isn't the way you describe it.
I dated a man who has Bipolar I. Not the more common and less severe type II, but the much more severe version of it. Within a few weeks he revealed he stopped medication and wasn't going to seek treatment. He was paranoid, experienced delusions, resistant to therapy, didn't want to take any medication ever again. He became suicidal. I had empathy for him, but it wasn't healthy for me, so I ended it.
The first guy met after I began dating again lived with depression. We had a lot of talks, and he was in and out of therapy, had been through a breakup, was in a bad place at times, which account for losing touch here and there. As much as he wanted a relationship and wanted to move forward, he was not ready or in the position to move forward. He needed continued therapy and he knew that.
He lacked self-worth, lost interest in teaching, his house was cluttered and had coke cans everywhere, he struggled with his body image, and began resenting his profession. There was one occasion where he got upset with me because he was convinced I didn't move forward with a possible relationship because he was heavier or not attractive enough. That wasn't it at all, but I understood why he thought that, where his mind was at the time. I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship at the time.
What I don't do is make generalizations and assumptions because I knew a guy(s) lives with a mental illness. Notice how reference a particular individual's experience and not "they," as if that's how every depressed person experiences it.
No. I was addressing the OP. You are the one generalizing and making this about ALL mental illness instead of the OP's specific example.
The OP used the example of the depression manifesting itself with constantly cancelling things last minute.
Nope. She did not use the word "constantly," she used the word "sometimes." Since when does "sometimes" translate to "constantly"?
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To me, that's chaotic because you can't plan anything. It;s not the depression so much as how, in her example, it manifests itself. If someone is always cancelling,
"Sometimes" is not "always."
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then you have to do things on the fly all the time... unplanned, unstructured. If you do plan something, you might get stuck going alone, eating a loss on tickets or something purchased, etc. Once in a while, yeah, that's okay, but all the time? After a while, that kind of thing wears thin on me.
She didn't say all the time.
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I wasn't referring to you or any other condition or mental illness. Someone has phobias, I am fine with that; someone has depression that manifests itself into oversleeping a lot or even running late, I am fine with that; someone has anxiety and needs to take meds to control it; I am fine with that...someone has depression like OP said where they cancel last minute constantly and you can't plan anything, well, I don't do well with that.
See the above.
Here is the OP's entire post:
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Just curious to know. Would it be a deal breaker if a girl you were interested in suffered from depression and anxiety? What if sometimes she didn't feel up to going out or cancelled plans at the last minute? Could you be there for her on her down days and how would it affect your own mental state?
I think it is very hard to find people willing to date you if you have any form of mental illness. I try to date people who also have it, but I often end up with people who either make it worse or refuse to seek treatment.
I was talking about depressed and anxious people only. Not bipolar.
The other two seem like what I have described, just in other words - so I am not sure why you are so harsh to me.
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Originally Posted by Metaphysique
Yep, and I've dated several. Do you see me using blanket statements or generalize about a whole swath of people based on my personal and anecdotal experience? I also live with both depression and anxiety, treated, and it sure as hell isn't the way you describe it.
I dated a man who has Bipolar I. Not the more common and less severe type II, but the much more severe version of it. Within a few weeks he revealed he stopped medication and wasn't going to seek treatment. He was paranoid, experienced delusions, resistant to therapy, didn't want to take any medication ever again. He became suicidal. I had empathy for him, but it wasn't healthy for me, so I ended it.
The first guy met after I began dating again lived with depression. We had a lot of talks, and he was in and out of therapy, had been through a breakup, was in a bad place at times, which account for losing touch here and there. As much as he wanted a relationship and wanted to move forward, he was not ready or in the position to move forward. He needed continued therapy and he knew that.
He lacked self-worth, lost interest in teaching, his house was cluttered and had coke cans everywhere, he struggled with his body image, and began resenting his profession. There was one occasion where he got upset with me because he was convinced I didn't move forward with a possible relationship because he was heavier or not attractive enough. That wasn't it at all, but I understood why he thought that, where his mind was at the time. I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship at the time.
What I don't do is make generalizations and assumptions because I knew a guy(s) lives with a mental illness. Notice how reference a particular individual's experience and not "they," as if that's how every depressed person experiences it.
Nope. She did not use the word "constantly," she used the word "sometimes." Since when does "sometimes" translate to "constantly"?
"Sometimes" is not "always."
She didn't say all the time.
See the above.
Here is the OP's entire post:
It would depend on how much "sometimes" really is wouldn't it? It's a subjective term. One person's "sometimes" might be a few times a week while another person's "sometimes" would be a few times a year. To me, if you are cancelling stuff more than once a month, it's a lot. Currently, I've been dating the same person for well over a year and I can count on one thumb the number of times there has been a last minute change in plans. Both of us like plans and like to stick to them. It's one of the many reasons we stick together so well.
Yes, sweeping generalizations based on anecdotal evidence is erroneous. I have no problem stating that.
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- how was/is YOUR depression?
Depends, because in the 12 years I've lived with it in some form, a number of those years my preexisting depression, eventually diagnosed as Cyclothymia, overlapped with postpartum depression and a period of grief/mourning.
But for me, depressed states are marked by chronic fatigue, loss of interest in things I used to do with more regularity (like I stopped doing some hobbies), issues with concentration, weight changes. During the postpartum period the symptoms are more intense.
I've never been suicidal, mad at the world, "fly off the handle," ***** at people, blame anyone and everyone, or however it's described, etc. I have always managed to function "like normal" much thanks to 3+ cups of coffee and medication.
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Originally Posted by TMBGBlueCanary
It would depend on how much "sometimes" really is wouldn't it? It's a subjective term. One person's "sometimes" might be a few times a week while another person's "sometimes" would be a few times a year. To me, if you are cancelling stuff more than once a month, it's a lot. Currently, I've been dating the same person for well over a year and I can count on one thumb the number of times there has been a last minute change in plans. Both of us like plans and like to stick to them. It's one of the many reasons we stick together so well.
Yeah, exactly. I tried it years ago with one women with severe depression and anxiety, she often cancelled. Tried it a few different times with her, it just couldn't work.
Occasional is something else. Then its no different than someone having work come up, or feeling under the weather.
Yes, sweeping generalizations based on anecdotal evidence is erroneous. I have no problem stating that.
Depends, because in the 12 years I've lived with it in some form, a number of those years my preexisting depression, eventually diagnosed as Cyclothymia, overlapped with postpartum depression and a period of grief/mourning.
But for me, depressed states are marked by chronic fatigue, loss of interest in things I used to do with more regularity (like I stopped doing some hobbies), issues with concentration, weight changes. During the postpartum period the symptoms are more intense.
I've never been suicidal, mad at the world, "fly off the handle," ***** at people, blame anyone and everyone, or however it's described, etc. I have always managed to function "like normal" much thanks to 3+ cups of coffee and medication.
maybe because your depression was circumstance related and temporary? I would endure a lot for a partner if I would know the depression is going away but if you KNOW this person will not get better EVER, probably even WORSE and you can never make this person happy because he was like that for many years, it's a bit different IMO.
I was talking about depressed and anxious people only. Not bipolar.
The other two seem like what I have described, just in other words - so I am not sure why you are so harsh to me.
The latter dealt with depression, nor Bipolar. Only the first man lives with Bipolar I.
I challenged your statements because they're generalizations, as if your anecdotal experience is gospel. You phrased your posts in such a way that implies everyone who has depression experiences it the way you witnessed it. That's not so.
I used my examples to say "See, I live with depression and anxiety, know and dated people with it, and they all experience it their own way. And because they are different with different experiences, I refrain from making generalizations."
It would be no different if someone were to make a statement about any demographic of people. "I don't date single dads because I once dated one and it was awful. The kids have different moms and he didn't have his **** together. He had no direction, and his kids were obnoxious."
So, because that's one individual's limited experience it means it applies to all single dads? Even if the hypothetical woman ended up dating a few single dads that turned out to be an ill fit, a few is not every single dad. Many have their **** together and don't have a life filled with drama and obnoxious kids.
maybe because your depression was circumstance related and temporary? I would endure a lot for a partner if I would know the depression is going away but if you KNOW this person will not get better EVER, probably even WORSE and you can never make this person happy because he was like that for many years, it's a bit different IMO.
It's not temporary. Wellbutrin and I are still great friends. *I* wouldn't/couldn't start a relationship with someone who is dealing with an untreated and/or severe mental illness. I've been there. I've always used some form of therapy that has resulted in varying levels of improvement. I can have empathy for an individual while knowing it isn't a great fit for me in terms of starting something.
My husband has gone through bouts of depression over the years that he manages. It works for him. It manifests in him in a very similar way that I experience it.
The severity of any chronic illness needs to be weighed. It's like any chronic illness that can affect one's quality of life and the people in it. Untreated is a no-go for me. I think some form of therapy is important.
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