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There comes a time in life where you are a grown up and responsible for your own actions and life. You cannot blame your parents indefinite.
The game playing I have experienced is that people often try how far they can go - especially those with mental illness may try to manipulate you or pull you down into their world of misery if you are not careful. They can turn words around and suddenly it seems like you offended them but actually you meant something else.
I have a friend whose partner is borderline (has been in and out of hospitals for a long time) and she said that in the beginning, she tried to manipulate her and control her but my friend is so strong, patient, strict and stable that her partner did not succeed. She threatened with suicide and breakup (game playing). Once she realized she (yes, they are gay) cannot play games with my friend or she'll be single again, she didn't even try anymore. Would I be with that person and don't handle her "right", our relationship would be a disaster. It takes a really special and mentally strong person to be able to handle a mentally ill person.
I suppose I haven't reached that time. I'm still not where I should be because of him. He never tried to help me with anything. He caused problems and it's more than fair because he played the blame game all the time even though it was his doing. Also I'm sure he "helped" my mom's ADD even now. He may not be in my life anymore but the effects of it are still there. Every time he would argue with her I think she would buy more stuff.
I know she would still have it but at least she wouldn't have as much clutter. It also didn't help that I had a disability the whole time and didn't even know it. It's only now that I look back on my life..that I realize it was always there. I always tried so hard. I even tried to keep in touch..a lot of good that did me.
So in some cases maybe there's other things you should have done but when you have no guidance growing up, your life can be completely ruined because of one person and it can take years to even fix it. Should it? Obviously not but sometimes unfortunately it is. I know he's what started my low self esteem issues. I want to reach that point where I don't care so much about him or what he's done but I obviously can't do that until I get my life together.
The only thing I could have done is go to foster care but I was 10 years old. It was hard to decide that's what I should have done when I was still learning about life and at the time my grandma was still alive so the "glue" that held my mom and I together made it impossible to want to.
That seems like something else to me..not depression because depression shouldn't cause you to be manipulative. Depression just moreso makes you have low feelings about yourself and your situation. I suppose though a manipulative person could be depressed. But it's all semantics probably.
okay then. You sound like the kind of person I would not date. Because you will be the victim forever and don't take your life in your own hands. Everything is your fathers fault and always will be. Nothing is caused by you. Not even your unemployment, I guess?
I am sorry for what you went through but guess what - we all have our baggage. At a certain point in life you gotta move on and find closure. He still has so much power over you, why do you still let him ruin your life? Find your own inner happiness, go to some group meetings or counseling if you need to.
Mental illness or not, if they keep making plans and then cancelling at the last minute, I wouldn't keep dealing with them. A person doesn't have to be mentally ill to do something inconsiderate.
I thought about dating a woman. She was nice enough. I found out, from her that she struggled with depression and had struggled with other emotional issues. We remained friends, but I never dated her. It wouldn't matter. She had her eyes for someone else. She got married later on.
I already struggle with alot problems. I am prone to being depressed. I can swing between being very depressed to being very anxious. As it is, it isn't that hard to hurt my feelings. Taking on someone who suffers from depression or some other forms of mental illness would be very hard for me. If anything, I would need someone to keep me sane. One part of why I am single.
okay then. You sound like the kind of person I would not date. Because you will be the victim forever and don't take your life in your own hands. Everything is your fathers fault and always will be. Nothing is caused by you. Not even your unemployment, I guess?
I am sorry for what you went through but guess what - we all have our baggage. At a certain point in life you gotta move on and find closure. He still has so much power over you, why do you still let him ruin your life? Find your own inner happiness, go to some group meetings or counseling if you need to.
I try to follow my heart/desires but it's obviously not working out. I mean I made mistakes but it's like I have to keep paying for them forever because no one showed me how to make the right choices. They never told me not to go to that school. They never told me that I should have gotten a job right after high school.
They put me through counseling as a child and it never worked. When I try to get to where I need to go I don't know what to do because I need guidance. They pushed me to do more therapy so I have a therapist again. She's nice and understanding but she doesn't really give me enough advice. I try to go for jobs I would be passionate about. I get passed over all the time by people with more experience. I tried to take my life into my own hands by getting back the money that was taken from me. I tried as many companies as I could. No one wanted to help. They didn't care. In fact when I talked to the FBI she said "have a nice day" in the rudest tone and hung up before I even got to say anymore. This is my life. I stand up for myself people get mad. Apparently I reported to the wrong people and I couldn't report to the right one by then. I can never do anything right and people can do the wrong things and get away with them all the time. I know everyone has baggage but I guarantee you the average person hasn't had to deal with this much. I could write a novel about all the mistreatment I have dealt with. I mean the first time I told my bf some things that happened he was like "wow I can't believe that". He was shocked.
I know exactly what I want out of life but people often tell me I need more schooling or that's impossible you should forget about it. I know what would make me happy and feel better about myself right now: a job which is why I went to get diagnosed and got a coach but we've run out of hours for now. I don't know what to do now because when I tried to do it on my own I can't even pass the stupid tests. I think I can move on if life will let me but it's not letting me. I've often thought about moving out and going to another state because I feel stuck here but I need a job first and then I can work towards getting the heck out of here. I want to live in a house again someday. Life is moving fast and I'm moving at a snails pace if at all. I think I need my license too but the last time I tried to take the test again since my permit expired I failed. It doesn't seem like I can get accommodations either.
It does take patience to be with a depressed person. I don't know why he even loves me but nobody said relationships were easy. Nobody said life was easy and it's a lot easier to deal with as an observer than to be the one dealing with it. Be thankful you don't have it.
Last edited by Nickchick; 05-13-2016 at 05:33 PM..
Unfortunately, no, and that rules out an large number of single men in my age bracket. Maybe it rules out all of them.
My mom is mentally ill, has suffered from anxiety and depression my whole life. Therapy and meds have only been marginally successful. She's an angry and aggressive depressive, so always very unpleasant to live with. I have to set a LOT of boundaries to deal with her. So I admit I'm extra perceptive to those who are emotionally needy. A lot of times, there are things I can help with...listening, validating, supporting strengths, encourage positive steps. I'm kind, understanding, and I don't sweat the small stuff or criticize people who make different choices if those choices don't directly effect me. I wouldn't even mind the occasional "I just realized I'm not in the mood to go out. Can I have some time to myself tonight?" Unfortunately, people think that means I'll be extra understanding when their symptoms spill over and they really can't deal. Like when they demonstrate unhealthy behaviors that are related to their illness. For example: believing that nothing is their fault and blaming others...can't accept responsibility for behavior or well being. OR Believing that EVERYTHING is their fault, and any sense of failure, no matter how small, will serve as proof to them that they can't make any relationship work. OR refusing to admit they are anxious or depressed. OR refusing to seek treatment out of stubbornness (Saying "I don't believe in meds/doctors"). OR they assume that a relationship with Ms Right will cure them. I have dated THEM ALL.
I find it a lot in guys who are very introverted. They probably have less opportunity to improve coping skills and find it easier to withdraw than to deal. Those guys frequently ghost when they realize that a relationship with a good woman isn't going to fix things after all. And of course, lots of men who are depressed abuse substances, or act out physically, and I'm getting REALLY good at screening those guys out. They almost always give hints. Another tell that you can spot in profiles is...they meditate. Mediation is the 'go to' suggestion these days for controlling anxiety. If another man tells me he meditates for an hour per day, I'm done with him, and bless his heart.
Anxiety is often a co-symptom of erectile dysfunction. I've never been with a man who had ED who didn't struggle with Generalized anxiety, And i don't mean they were anxious about the ED itself, they were anxious in all aspects of life.
So, managed anxiety and depression that doesn't spill over on to others, is okay. Just hard to find.
If they aren't depressed themselves, they are still feeling the guilt of not being able to help their depressed/anxious wives. It seems to be a major factor in divorce!
I don't generally tell dates early in that I take meds for anxiety and depression. Given my family history of mental illness and alcoholism, and the uncomfortable symptoms I get when I back them off, I will likely take them the rest of my life. But I don't hide it for long, because that's just silly. I consider my anxiety and depression managed. I know the warning signs and use cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) techniques to deal with them. It's been under control for years. Most people don't have any clue that I need meds and are generally surprised to hear it. Lots of people take meds or see therapists. To me, that is a sign that they care enough about other people in their life to have sought professional help.
After dealing with family who refuse to get this in check, it's a no go. Lived with that kind of stress for thirty years. Not saying every person who suffers from this are like that, but more often than not it's a very trying experience to get them help when it's very expensive, and chances are you'll be the one paying for it all.
Thirty years... tired of the guilt trips. Tired of that dark feeling they're just going to off themselves, and they make sure I knew that. Tired of constant trips to the ER for panic attacks, and demand for pain meds to the point where every physician turns them away because they want a fix. Tired of them "running away" leaving suicide notes and making me worry half to death because I can't find them, with the tired excuse that they don't feel "loved". Tired of being taken advantage of despite all the support. It's just too much for me, and now that I'm free from all of it I just can't go back to that life.
Not saying all depressed people are like this, it's just life drew the short straw for me.
the real question is who is not depressed and anxious? I speak to about forty different people online everyday,and use other forums,there Is always at least twenty people who are ''clinically depressed or anxious'' it is a complete epidemic in the west.
Most people will experience anxiety and/or depression at some point or another. They're the common cold of mental health.
Exactly. There is a big difference between untreated depression/anxiety and people who are under medical supervision. I've met plenty of people who at some point revealed they were on antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication and I had no idea until I knew them for some time.
I could not date someone who was reluctant to get the appropriate treatment. I think that is more common with men than it is with women, as they still think they need to tough it out. I think it would also be hard for me to date someone who was depressed to the point of possibly being suicidal. I've had a couple of friends like that in the past and the worry level is just too high. I could not be with a person where I'd have to check in all the time to make sure they were okay. Take them into the ER if they were to the point where they might be a danger to themselves, etc. I've been in a situation before where a friend committed suicide and I was one of the few people who saw the signs (and was out of town at the time) and there is just a lot of guilt from not being able to stop it. I know that it was not my fault, I could not date someone who was that depressed. It's truly a horrible situation to be in.
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