Isn't it Natural for a Man to Pursue? (dates, wives, marry)

[Hotbloodedwoman]

Originally Posted by rego00123

Perhaps she is just "being himself" while you choose to look for things that you don't like about him as answers to the issues of what's really going on with your marriage

She is a he, dear. As far as our issues, I'm not condemning him, nor trying to change him. We have issues, and my annoyance is more of the passivity then anything. If I demanded him to go to counseling, he would, but I don't want a parent/child dynamic. If he cannot actively participate in the marriage and be a contributing partner, then my work as a wife is officially done. I alone, am not supposed to maintain he emotional health of our marriage. It has to be mutual. As of now, it is not and City Data knows it. Everyone has an outlet. This is mine. It's healthier than cheating.

[JerZ]

Originally Posted by homina12

So what if people were people? If a woman likes to be pursued and a man doesn't pursue her, he's not right for her. He's not a wimp or a loser any more than she is. They're just a mismatch. If either of them isn't getting what they want, they might try something different.

Right...and I think this generally is the way things work out: i.e. differently for each couple. If you speak to twenty couples you'll get twenty different "how we met" stories...regardless of how society, friends, family, anyone or anything feels about who should do what, and how.

[homina12]

Originally Posted by Hotbloodedwoman

She is a he, dear. As far as our issues, I'm not condemning him, nor trying to change him. We have issues, and my annoyance is more of the passivity then anything. If I demanded him to go to counseling, he would, but I don't want a parent/child dynamic. If he cannot actively participate in the marriage and be a contributing partner, then my work as a wife is officially done. I alone, am not supposed to maintain he emotional health of our marriage. It has to be mutual. As of now, it is not and City Data knows it. Everyone has an outlet. This is mine. It's healthier than cheating.

Don't know if rego was being clever with the pronouns or just careless


To the OP, you sound genuinely stuck. That's no fun. Could it be more accurate to say that your husband isn't pulling his emotional weight in the marriage, or he's ignoring your needs? Those seem like very real problems that carry more weight than who gets things started.


I respect your desire for him to be part of the decision to get counseling. It won't work well if you insist and drag him along. Maybe you ought to go alone?

[rego00123]

Originally Posted by Hotbloodedwoman

She is a he, dear. As far as our issues, I'm not condemning him, nor trying to change him. We have issues, and my annoyance is more of the passivity then anything. If I demanded him to go to counseling, he would, but I don't want a parent/child dynamic. If he cannot actively participate in the marriage and be a contributing partner, then my work as a wife is officially done. I alone, am not supposed to maintain he emotional health of our marriage. It has to be mutual. As of now, it is not and City Data knows it. Everyone has an outlet. This is mine. It's healthier than cheating.

This isnt helping your situation, It's hindering you.
If you don't want a parent child situation stop acting like someone's superior and avoiding treating them the ways you say they treat you.

It's creating a dangerous dynamic that is setting up failure regardless of "your" intentions

Dont kid yourself about the "not condemning" talk, read your other posts about your marriage. That's not speak from someone who isn't condemning of another's behavior.
Regardless of where it's speaking from, their is contempt in those words you speak.

The he/she slip up was just autocorrect working its magic.

[Jean-Francois]

A long time friend of mine, for forty years plus probably, could never be bothered with girls in his teens and twenties, or women as he got older.
I and other guys who worked with him, knew him, and socialised with him, (as much as he socialised), at first thought that perhaps he was gay, and firmly locked in the closet.
Once we established that that theory didn't fly we took him to be asexual, all he was interested in was sports cars, playing golf, and playing blackjack in casinos.
In the sixteen to eighteen years period between my divorce and getting captured again, I've been with him in bars, (although he rarely had more than two beers before switching to O.J.), on beaches, and lounging around pools in rented vacation homes all over Europe and the U.S., if any women came on the scene, he'd turn his back and leave them to me, so he could laugh as I got shot down.
He was, and still is, not a bad looking guy, women were tripping over themselves to just be in his company, but he rarely gave them the time of day.
Eventually, in his late forties to mid fifties, his mother was ending her days in a hospice and he got acquainted with a divorcée around his age, whose mother was in there too.
Somehow she cracked him, or maybe he was ready for it, he'd lived alone for years in a big house on the edge of a golf course.
Anyway, they got together, sold both their houses, and bought a place together on the south coast of Kent, where he still plays golf whenever he likes, but he seems happy enough with his lady.
It certainly wasn't in his nature to pursue.

[Hotbloodedwoman]

Originally Posted by rego00123

This isnt helping your situation, It's hindering you.
If you don't want a parent child situation stop acting like someone's superior and avoiding treating them the ways you say they treat you.

It's creating a dangerous dynamic that is setting up failure regardless of "your" intentions

Dont kid yourself about the "not condemning" talk, read your other posts about your marriage. That's not speak from someone who isn't condemning of another's behavior.
Regardless of where it's speaking from, their is contempt in those words you speak.

The he/she slip up was just autocorrect working its magic.

Look at you, doing research. I'm flattered. This whole thing is just a result of years trying to fix what couldn't be fixed. I suppose you think my condeming tone may have been a contributing factor and that couldn't be more far from the truth. I have begged, pleaded, cried, asked...etc. It never made a difference. I certainly don't want to be bitter, so i am accepting the situation for what it is. That's all.

[Ro2113]

Originally Posted by Hotbloodedwoman

Look at you, doing research. I'm flattered. This whole thing is just a result of years trying to fix what couldn't be fixed. I suppose you think my condeming tone may have been a contributing factor and that couldn't be more far from the truth. I have begged, pleaded, cried, asked...etc. It never made a difference. I certainly don't want to be bitter, so i am accepting the situation for what it is. That's all.

Everything you've described about him doesn't indicate passivness though. It seems to indicate someone who has checked out.

[Hotbloodedwoman]

Originally Posted by Jean-Francois

A long time friend of mine, for forty years plus probably, could never be bothered with girls in his teens and twenties, or women as he got older.
I and other guys who worked with him, knew him, and socialised with him, (as much as he socialised), at first thought that perhaps he was gay, and firmly locked in the closet.
Once we established that that theory didn't fly we took him to be asexual, all he was interested in was sports cars, playing golf, and playing blackjack in casinos.
In the sixteen to eighteen years period between my divorce and getting captured again, I've been with him in bars, (although he rarely had more than two beers before switching to O.J.), on beaches, and lounging around pools in rented vacation homes all over Europe and the U.S., if any women came on the scene, he'd turn his back and leave them to me, so he could laugh as I got shot down.
He was, and still is, not a bad looking guy, women were tripping over themselves to just be in his company, but he rarely gave them the time of day.
Eventually, in his late forties to mid fifties, his mother was ending her days in a hospice and he got acquainted with a divorcée around his age, whose mother was in there too.
Somehow she cracked him, or maybe he was ready for it, he'd lived alone for years in a big house on the edge of a golf course.
Anyway, they got together, sold both their houses, and bought a place together on the south coast of Kent, where he still plays golf whenever he likes, but he seems happy enough with his lady.
It certainly wasn't in his nature to pursue.

Nice story. Thanks for sharing.

[rego00123]

Originally Posted by Hotbloodedwoman

Look at you, doing research. I'm flattered. This whole thing is just a result of years trying to fix what couldn't be fixed. I suppose you think my condeming tone may have been a contributing factor and that couldn't be more far from the truth. I have begged, pleaded, cried, asked...etc. It never made a difference. I certainly don't want to be bitter, so i am accepting the situation for what it is. That's all.

You are bitter regardless of what you want, You haven't accepted anything. You have just workered in circles around it and looked towards others for where it all went wrong for you.

In that, the last thing I want is circular argument involvement. So, I will leave your thread and allow you to vent what you will unobstructed and wish you the best

[Mikala43]

They are all different. Generalities don't usually help individuals.