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My friend is this pretty girl, she met her se in 2004 and they got married in 2013. They are now both in their mid thirties. The other day I was asking if they had any plans for having kids. She answered it would be something that probably would never happen since her husband doesn't want kids. She elaborated about it, how much her parents were expecting to have grandchildren, and she wanted kids herself. That made sad for her. Do you people can/should stay married in such case?
I don't see how the marriage can survive if they're not on the same page with such a life-changing decision that can't/shouldn't be compromised on.
You guys are displaying comprehension issues. The above post is yet another unnecessary epistle in a conversation that is addressing a specific point. I don't need to know your background or that of your ex husband for you to make a counter argument. The need to qualify ones argument with titles or status is really pathetic. Lol.
I could tell from your initial scattered response that you weren't going to stay on the topic. You are arguing everything but the point we are discussing; which is that unforeseen circumstances like medical problems, costs of raising children ect can be applied to pretty much anything in life. It isn't "specific to children." And I gave some examples.
This is Simply a friendly exchange and not an attack on your parenting skills. Calm down. And no I wasn't taking shots at you with the bolded text. I was just explaining that more often that not, it's the oops parents that make the loudest noise wrt to children and the stress of raising them in general.
YOU have been focusing on discussing medical problems or the costs of raising children, etc.. I remained focused on MY point, which is that parenting can put pressure on a marriage, regardless of how "well prepared" parents are. That's why I mention my ex's education. A person with a strong STEM background, for example, tends to be highly methodical and analytical. So, your earlier assertion that only those who have "failed to plan" will feel any stress from parenting responsibilities isn't true, if my ex and I and other families I've known are representative of middle-class families, and I think we are.
(that you interpreted a quick reference to education as strutting "titles or status" presents another unfortunate phenomenon, which has nothing to do with this thread).
Other posters here have had a "friendly exchange." A quick review of your posts on this thread, including this one, suggests you have a different definition of "friendly."
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 05-15-2016 at 11:37 AM..
Covered what? That poster said nothing, just her opinion of parenting and she's entitled to it. Being a stay at home mom doesn't give her some added advantage or make her the judge on other peoples experience. We are all posting from our perspective but you are arguing that having children has some unexpected consequences and I am saying .... The same thing can be said about pretty much ANYTHING. Buying a lemon luxury car, an expensive home that becomes a money pit, ect.
Besides, having children is NOT a new phenomenon. Those who fail to plan beforehand, have clearly planned to fail.
We can't let the oops parents to be the spokes people for our parenting experience. So try again.
The stakes are much higher when we're talking about bringing human beings in the world. It's a decision that can't be undone, and a lifetime commitment that shouldn't be taken as lightly as buying a house or a car.
To clarify a couple of things, a thread title is meant to be kept short and that cannot always give account of the full complexity. In this case, the fact of not having kids is an issue raising conflict. If it were a mutually agreed upon decision, obviously there would be no problem and hence no thread. As a rule of thumb I make sure to always read the OP to make I have enough story developments before answering.Thank you for your feedback!
YOU have been focusing on discussing medical problems or the costs of raising children, etc.. I remained focused on MY point, which is that parenting can put pressure on a marriage, regardless of how "well prepared" parents are. That's why I mention my ex's education. A person with a strong STEM background, for example, tends to be highly methodical and analytical. So, your earlier assertion that only those who have "failed to plan" will feel any stress from parenting responsibilities isn't true, if my ex and I and other families I've known are representative of middle-class families, and I think we are.
(that you interpreted a quick reference to education as strutting "titles or status" presents another unfortunate phenomenon, which has nothing to do with this thread).
Other posters here have had a "friendly exchange." A quick review of your posts on this thread, including this one, suggests you have a different definition of "friendly."
Lol you just can't help yourself. Just to be clear, I was responding to a post and you jumped into the conversation. You've edited your post numerous times so this has become a personal battle for you. I am not into e-victories so please by a all means enjoy. But the fact remains, you've said nothing to dispel my point and I'm bored with this fruitless interaction. Cheers.
Location: New Albany, Indiana (Greater Louisville)
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I'm in a situation similar to what the OP's question was about: my wife and I are in our early 30s, she wants children and I don't. It's not a good situation to be in and in my case there are deeper problems that lead to a mismatch on one of the central questions of a married couple.
In our case before we met I had called off an engagement to someone else, and that stress was bringing back problems with anxiety and chronic panic attacks that I had previously put behind me. Dating went OK but I never thought compatibility was great but I to avoid adding stress I kept going with it. With pressure from her family I proposed to her and 6 months later we were married, I had many doubts going into it that but didn't call the wedding off. In hindsight I have a ton of guilt for allowing everything to go on. Within a month of the wedding we were having major issues with different world views, at that time it became clear to me that it would be a huge mistake to bring children into a bad situation. I have not backed down from that position 2 years in. Had the marriage gone better and if I didn't have such a toxic relationship with my in laws I would be very open to having children, scary a choice as it is.
I had a very difficult childhood and I don't take lightly the responsibility a parent has on an innocent life they bring into the world. I don't take it lightly that it really hurts my wife that she wants kids but will never have them, but it is trumped by my value of an innocent life being brought into a bad situation.
I'm in a situation similar to what the OP's question was about: my wife and I are in our early 30s, she wants children and I don't. It's not a good situation to be in and in my case there are deeper problems that lead to a mismatch on one of the central questions of a married couple.
In our case before we met I had called off an engagement to someone else, and that stress was bringing back problems with anxiety and chronic panic attacks that I had previously put behind me. Dating went OK but I never thought compatibility was great but I to avoid adding stress I kept going with it. With pressure from her family I proposed to her and 6 months later we were married, I had many doubts going into it that but didn't call the wedding off. In hindsight I have a ton of guilt for allowing everything to go on. Within a month of the wedding we were having major issues with different world views, at that time it became clear to me that it would be a huge mistake to bring children into a bad situation. I have not backed down from that position 2 years in. Had the marriage gone better and if I didn't have such a toxic relationship with my in laws I would be very open to having children, scary a choice as it is.
I had a very difficult childhood and I don't take lightly the responsibility a parent has on an innocent life they bring into the world. I don't take it lightly that it really hurts my wife that she wants kids but will never have them, but it is trumped by my value of an innocent life being brought into a bad situation.
This is asinine.
How about instead of "not taking it lightly" that you really hurt your wife by vetoing kids, you end a marriage and relationship that seems intensely ill-gotten in the first place?
Been married 24 years and we don't have kids. Couldn't afford them when we were younger. Then, by the time that MAYBE we could have, we were too old. Now in our mid-forties, it's out of the question. No regrets, as children are not cheap, and college is expensive. I'd rather not have kids than be a bad parent.
The majority of the marriages I rank in the "happiest" tier are childless. Frankly, that's perfectly logical. If you're doing a good job with your kids, it's a lot of work - it's only natural that that should put a strain on the marriage. It's just a tradeoff - you sacrifice some happiness in your marriage to make sure your kids get a good start. When it's just two adults who prioritize each other in a functional marriage, that's going to go a long way to maximizing the happiness in the marriage.
I would liken it to "accidental" pregnancy myself.
Is that really the case, though? I hear this bunk about kids costing a cool quarter mil to raise to adulthood, but I have never seen this in practice. My mom sure as hell didn't make that amount x3 to raise three kids. She didn't file for BK or mooch welfare, either. Most parents probably don't pay for college (at least in full--my siblings went the military route and I pulled my own loans later on); the house was going to be bought anyway; the kids probably aren't wearing clothes made of gold threads, either. You still need a minivan to get to work and staying at home takes care of child care expenses. Tax credits, btw.
Besides, I'm not sure money in and of itself is behind the divorces, but rather a stark contrast in spending habits. The sex and horny feelings were great, so the rest didn't matter. My brother and sister are laughably prone to lighting their money on fire on a whim on grownup toys. They must have picked well to stay married so far.
I happen to remember just how much was spent on groceries every week, and how much we got for "back to school" clothes every year, in addition to the mid year "more clothes" which was the same amount.
This was based on the cost of living when we were all kids, so it's obviously more expensive now.
Food from grocery shopping only per week times 18 years:
$130,000
Back to school, plus mid school year clothing for 12 years:
$8000
Shoot, we're up to $210,000 already, by cost of living back then, and we've only covered groceries every week and school clothes. Granted, that $210,000 is for 3 kids, but we have not covered:
lessons, gear for whatever extra activities we took part in, vacation expenses, injuries, annual physicals for all the sports we participated in, doctors and dentist visits, the brothers eye exams and glasses, the move to a bigger house and for better paying job, birthday parties, non school clothing like swimming suits, Easter dresses or suits, and let's not forget Christmas and birthday presents, decorations, slumber parties, "away" games, summer camps, toys, bicycles, pets, pet food and pet things, vet visits, computer, computer games, console games, consoles, books, repairs for things we broke in the house, repairs for things we broke in other people's homes, (my brother was so cliche when he threw a baseball through the neighbor's plate glass window), of course there's the upgraded furniture from baby to kid to teen, any medications anyone might need to take for an ongoing issue, counselor visits, sleepwear, humidifiers, fans...anyway, I think you get the idea.
Hope that helps you see that yes, kids are absolutely expensive, and it can EASILY cost a quarter million per kid to raise them.
Keep in mind that none of that included the cost of divorce that will happen when one person wants kids, the other does not, they didn't bother to communicate before getting married, and now bicker and fight all the time due to resentment until they decided to end the relationship...usually after a kid has been born.
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