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Here is my question: How are so many people *constantly* dating other people, and what am I doing wrong?
I’m a 30 year old guy, not ugly, not gorgeous. Normal in almost every way. I can hold a great conversation and I can be charming and funny when I need to.
Although I’m an introvert and often need time to myself, I still manage to go out and do things 2-3 times per week. Let’s say that each time I go out and do something with friends, I might meet one new person that I’ll actually chat with while I’m out and about, right? That’s not a bad number, if we run into a friend’s friend and they introduce me.
a.) Find this girl physically attractive
b.) Discover a real connection with this girl
c.) AND she feels the same way about me
The odds of all three of those falling into line are tough. A lot of times this other person is just not compatible with you, you find them boring or you’re not attracted to them. Just be real, that’s how it is sometimes. I’m not going to start seriously dating a girl I don’t find attractive, or who just annoys me right off the bat. I’m not saying everyone is like this, of course. I’m not picky. But if one in three girls, I’m not attracted to, and one in three girls our personalities just don’t match up, that leaves one girl every three months that I would actually consider dating.
So I’m afraid I just don’t understand. It seems like everyone is always dating someone. As soon as one relationship ends, both of those people jump right into another relationship, and seem like they are truly in love with this new person. How in the hell does this happen so fast and effortlessly? Where are these people finding all these other people? How are they coming across and meeting so many people that they can immediately find someone on a whim that they can start a serious relationship with? Are they just faking how they feel about these people or are they literally just finding one compatible, attractive person after another?
There’s obviously something I’m completely missing the ball on. Can you all please share some insights with me as to what I’m missing when it comes to dating and relationships?
I don't think you're missing the ball on anything, OP. Truly. You're likely doing nothing wrong. Those 3 criteria for a quality relationship with long term potential are what everyone looks for. It IS very difficult to find a compatible person to whom you feel very attracted and connected, and who feels the same way about you. It seems it's like searching for a needle in a haystack. You're not alone in feeling that way. That's just the way it is.
As for looking around and seeing (or, merely perceiving) that everyone you know is always paired up, I often wondered the same thing when I was younger. It's less of a puzzle to me now. I think some people are simply very fortunate in that they find, at a relatively young age, a compatible partner they are strongly attracted to. But, yes, other people hate to be alone enough that they willingly enter into one relationship after another with people with whom they have little in common, and to whom they're not even particularly attracted, though they might not admit that to themselves or anyone else.
Hang it there. You WILL find that special someone.
Here is my question: How are so many people *constantly* dating other people, and what am I doing wrong?
I’m a 30 year old guy, not ugly, not gorgeous. Normal in almost every way. I can hold a great conversation and I can be charming and funny when I need to.
Although I’m an introvert and often need time to myself, I still manage to go out and do things 2-3 times per week. Let’s say that each time I go out and do something with friends, I might meet one new person that I’ll actually chat with while I’m out and about, right? That’s not a bad number, if we run into a friend’s friend and they introduce me.
So that’s meeting and casually chatting with 8-12 new people per month. That’s good, right? So the problem is, half of them are guys, so. Of the 4-5 women I might meet, seems like about 75 percent are either dating someone or married. So let’s say, if I’m lucky, I meet one new girl a month that’s single and close enough to my age to “date.” How often am I going to:
a.) Find this girl physically attractive
b.) Discover a real connection with this girl
c.) AND she feels the same way about me
The odds of all three of those falling into line are tough. A lot of times this other person is just not compatible with you, you find them boring or you’re not attracted to them. Just be real, that’s how it is sometimes. I’m not going to start seriously dating a girl I don’t find attractive, or who just annoys me right off the bat. I’m not saying everyone is like this, of course. I’m not picky. But if one in three girls, I’m not attracted to, and one in three girls our personalities just don’t match up, that leaves one girl every three months that I would actually consider dating.
So I’m afraid I just don’t understand. It seems like everyone is always dating someone. As soon as one relationship ends, both of those people jump right into another relationship, and seem like they are truly in love with this new person. How in the hell does this happen so fast and effortlessly? Where are these people finding all these other people? How are they coming across and meeting so many people that they can immediately find someone on a whim that they can start a serious relationship with? Are they just faking how they feel about these people or are they literally just finding one compatible, attractive person after another?
There’s obviously something I’m completely missing the ball on. Can you all please share some insights with me as to what I’m missing when it comes to dating and relationships?
Patience is a virtue. Cliche, yes, but it applies. You're overanxious a bit, I think, and seeking a perfect combination. No two people are totally "compatible". Being able to see past what you see as faults in a person will get you far. My advice, relax, have fun and be a fun person, observe and interact, and enjoy yourself, come what may.
I think, you should lower your standards a bit and see where that takes you.
Ok,
1) You read my mind.
2) If you say this to people they'll say they shouldn't have to settle...but then will complain that they don't have dates.
I met a beautiful 30-something lawyer once and she went down her list of what she wanted and it was *wow* um, she had disqualifiers at every turn....even minor things.
Frankly I think it's often a subconscious thing where they're just putting up barriers and it's easier to say they're not meeting people than deal with the reality or family pressure that they just don't want to do the marriage\kids thing.
*shrug*
I had a buddy like the OP. He had 2 major problems.
1) He'd try to meet what he wanted in bars. It's like fishing, you have to go where the fish you want are. You're never going to catch a mahi mahi in a drainage pond in Iowa.
2) He wanted to date *hot girls*, at least 8+.
What did he wind up dating? A gold digging, bi-polar, bar waitress. Yeah, that ended well...
2) If you say this to people they'll say they shouldn't have to settle...but then will complain that they don't have dates.
I met a beautiful 30-something lawyer once and she went down her list of what she wanted and it was *wow* um, she had disqualifiers at every turn....even minor things.
Frankly I think it's often a subconscious thing where they're just putting up barriers and it's easier to say they're not meeting people than deal with the reality or family pressure that they just don't want to do the marriage\kids thing.
*shrug*
I had a buddy like the OP. He had 2 major problems.
1) He'd try to meet what he wanted in bars. It's like fishing, you have to go where the fish you want are. You're never going to catch a mahi mahi in a drainage pond in Iowa.
2) He wanted to date *hot girls*, at least 8+.
What did he wind up dating? A gold digging, bi-polar, bar waitress. Yeah, that ended well...
Lol, I like the fishing analogy. Truly, ain't any Mahi in a Crappie pond. Hell, I meet interesting women on a regular basis, just doing my shopping and running around. Of course. Now that I'm not looking, they're swarming the boat. STOL, it makes life nice being able to see the world .
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by F65
How often am I going to:
a.) Find this girl physically attractive
b.) Discover a real connection with this girl
c.) AND she feels the same way about me
The odds of all three of those falling into line are tough.
They are tough. It isn't easy. It's even tougher to make it last when one does find it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut
Dating isn't easy. People who are in relationships have had to put some real effort into it. Luck can be factored into it as well.
Absolutely.
There is another component. There are a lot of people in this world that are, well, not very complex. They're normal, vanilla, sedate and don't need or expect much. Then there are people that are far more complex and challenging, emotionally, intellectually, etc and for those I think it is harder.
a.) Find this girl physically attractive
b.) Discover a real connection with this girl
c.) AND she feels the same way about me
This list is fine if you are just sport dating. If you only are capable of shallow relationships, that's fine, no judgments here. I'm more curious what your long term goals are, especially since you are dating "girls" - use of that word is always a give away.
I want real relationships. My list has character/core values compatibility and common goals at the top of the list. Then comes things like "likes to do the same things" since I want a companion at least some of the time who is into what I'm into. It was easier to find more guys worth dating when I changed my list, and found more into me that were compatible.
I also threw out age and some other criteria that was important at one time.
Mutual attraction doesn't happen as often as you may believe. It happens to me once, maybe twice a year. Even then, there's typically something else (nothing in common, toxic personality, etc.) which prevents me from pursing any further.
There's a lot of unattached men and women out there. My guess is you're either overlooking them or your social circle consists mainly of couples.
Also, don't assume that both parties in a given relationship are equally into each other. I would dare suggest that in most relationships one or both of them are settling to some degree.
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Yeah, that ended well...
