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Im completely new here and need some advice. Im European and live in the US, with my bf. I came out of a pretty bad marriage and met him shortly before my divorce was final. If it wasn't for him, Id have gone back to Europe, because im very homesick and miss my family but I stayed because of him, he doesn't wanna go there with me and I have a lot of friends and a good job here in the States, so I compromised.
the problem is, hes a complete slob. when I moved in with him, his place looked horrible, and it took me two days to clean up. We argued badly about this and he promised to change. We don't have kids (obviously im not going to marry or have kids as long as we have serious issues). He also had a drinking problem in the past, but reduced it a lot before he met me, sometimes he still drinks though. My marriage failed because my ex was a drinker and got abusive, so he knows drinking is a dealbreaker for me.
He basically plays computer games for hours and doesn't clean, he could live in filth for years without letting that bug him. We talked about it and he does it then for a while but then falls back into old habits and gets messy again. Im very clean I also like to cook, to garden, all those things, and I love him a lot - hes a great person apart from that, but I just don't know if its worth for me staying in a relationship like that, especially since I think Im a pretty good catch and he keeps telling me how lucky he is having me, and he knows about the sacrifice that im taking on staying here in the US for him, but he doesn't really change. I don't want to keep cleaning up after him, I even have to remind him of doing his taxes, not forgetting his wallet etc. he had a few DUIs and almost lost his DL because he forgot to pay his speeding tickets, things like that are kind of "normal" in his life, he just needs to get more organized and grow up - and he knows, but he doesn't really seem to be able to change. What would u do in my situation? Im thankful for any advice
Im completely new here and need some advice. Im European and live in the US, with my bf. I came out of a pretty bad marriage and met him shortly before my divorce was final. If it wasn't for him, Id have gone back to Europe, because im very homesick and miss my family but I stayed because of him, he doesn't wanna go there with me and I have a lot of friends and a good job here in the States, so I compromised.
the problem is, hes a complete slob. when I moved in with him, his place looked horrible, and it took me two days to clean up. We argued badly about this and he promised to change. We don't have kids (obviously im not going to marry or have kids as long as we have serious issues). He also had a drinking problem in the past, but reduced it a lot before he met me, sometimes he still drinks though. My marriage failed because my ex was a drinker and got abusive, so he knows drinking is a dealbreaker for me.
He basically plays computer games for hours and doesn't clean, he could live in filth for years without letting that bug him. We talked about it and he does it then for a while but then falls back into old habits and gets messy again. Im very clean I also like to cook, to garden, all those things, and I love him a lot - hes a great person apart from that, but I just don't know if its worth for me staying in a relationship like that, especially since I think Im a pretty good catch and he keeps telling me how lucky he is having me, and he knows about the sacrifice that im taking on staying here in the US for him, but he doesn't really change. I don't want to keep cleaning up after him, I even have to remind him of doing his taxes, not forgetting his wallet etc. he had a few DUIs and almost lost his DL because he forgot to pay his speeding tickets, things like that are kind of "normal" in his life, he just needs to get more organized and grow up - and he knows, but he doesn't really seem to be able to change. What would u do in my situation? Im thankful for any advice
If it were me, I'd find a new b/f. What I think isn't the answer because only you can decide. Best of luck!
I would have already been back to my home country.
No one will change until they decide they need to change.
Your decision is to stay with him and things the way they are
or
move on and find someone who is more in line with your clean, gardening, cooking interests.
It sounds to me that he struggles with adulthood. I mean, we all screw up here and there, but it sounds like he's been on the struggle bus for quite some time.
If it were me, I'd lay down an ultimatum. You get your life on track or I'm out. Sometimes folks just need a swift kick in the rear to get jump started. From there, it'll depend on how consistent he is with the new, improved adult lifestyle. If he can't maintain, then I think you have your answer.
Give him a chance to improve. If he can't maintain a basic adult lifestyle, then I think you need to seek a relationship elsewhere that is more inline with your preferences (i.e. a partner who can consistently manage to be an adult).
Unless you want to be his mom and his housekeeper and his personal assistant then I suggest you rethink this whole relationship and whether it's worth all of this hassle. Just remember that guys like him once they get used to their girlfriends or wives doing all of that stuff for them like their mommies always did, they will never grow up and become mature capable men. Because there is no incentive since their gf or wife is doing it all for them.
It's not about him, it's about you. Why do you chose losers for mates? Please think about therapy, so the rest of your life will be a pattern of good relationship choices.
It's not about him, it's about you. Why do you chose losers for mates? Please think about therapy, so the rest of your life will be a pattern of good relationship choices.
no thanx, and btw, I left my abusive ex husband immediately after he got violent, I didn't put up with that **** - I had no idea about his drinking problem and PTSD until we lived together (we only saw each other on weekends before and he hid his issues VERY well. some ppl are good at that).
I also didn't have a baby in any dysfunctional relationship, like other women. I don't have kids, so at least im responsible enough not to procreate with a guy it doesn't work out with. plus, I had more than just these two relationships, so suggesting that I have mental issues only because of two bad relationships, (im in my thirties) is very nice of you, but kind of idiotic. im very sane and I have my **** together. im actually better off and more successful here than many americans I know. but, hey, nice try ;-)
If you're very sane and have your dodo together, and are more successful than many Americans, why are you here asking advise on a situation that doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out? He's a slob, he plays games, and he likes it that way. You dont. Either deal with it or leave.
If you're very sane and have your dodo together, and are more successful than many Americans, why are you here asking advise on a situation that doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out? He's a slob, he plays games, and he likes it that way. You dont. Either deal with it or leave.
Dont think you can change people. It doesnt work.
because also ppl who have their **** together sometimes like to get a neutral opinion. and im not someone to give up easiy, especially because he did attempt to change and worked on it , just doesn't seem to able to stick with it. but hey, I didn't know, that ppl get so easily offended here just because im confident enough to say I don't have mental issues or because i mentioned other americans.... my bad, please don't get me deported for that.... thanks , guys. I appreciate all the constructive feedback
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