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Would you say emotional intimacy is important to you, whether or not marriage/kids are on the table?
Weirdly, I have a lot of emotional intimacy in my life. My friendships are very fulfilling that way. I'd even say my FWB situation has a lot of emotional intimacy - we talk about things we can't talk about with anyone else. None of that is like the emotional intimacy you have in a marriage, I'd assume, but it works for me. I don't feel like I'm lacking that in my life.
I think I've got all the emotional components that someone who is happy with their life and happily married would have - I'm just not getting them in the same combination or from the same places. (I don't know if that make sense!)
Honestly, I can totally relate to this. My last "traditional" relationship was 4 yrs ago and a waking nightmare, which, I too, ran screaming from, lol... Once I figured out why, I realized that I didn't fit the mold, nor was I interested men who did. In fact, they totally bored me.. I'm an artist and a lover~ men have often inspired greatness in me; my Muses.. It's weird, but it works for me. Some of the heaviest, deepest, & realest loves I've had were never "traditional", and our love songs were always thee most beautiful, melodic & memorable.. Some, tragic + bittersweet in their "beautiful agony.." * There are NO great love songs about doing laundry, getting kids ready for school, or mowing the lawn on saturdays...
OP, I don't think your mentality is that uncommon. However, I think your honestly and self realization is uncommon. Great post, thanks for sharing and being real.
I think knowing oneself is possibly the greatest acheivement one can make. Because when people lie to themself, or give in to what society expects of us, one can live an unfullfulled life, even though they may be successful in other ways.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Maybe because I saw my parents basically do everything in your last sentence for so long, I went a different route?
It's been in the past several months that I've been questioning if the traditional route is for me. My life thus far would indicate it's not meant for me and maybe I should start paying attention to that.
I have someone who meets my emotional needs but it's a platonic relationship physically. I honestly feel if I had a FWB to meet the physical needs, I'd be set. I have someone in mind who I have been dancing around a physical relationship with for years, but we'll see if it turns into a FWB situation; right now, it's a ONS.
But, then again, if the "right" person came along, I'd be okay with that too, though I feel the ship for kids has sailed and I'm perfectly fine with an LTR that doesn't involve rushing down the aisle. It's a little scary given I've already been widowed once, but at least now I know how to handle things legally in case that were to happen again.
I do think my only LTR ending with a premature death does hold me back from really opening myself up to another relationship along with an abusive past filled with rejection from pretty much everyone who has ever claimed to love me. I think that plays in to me being okay with compartmentalizing people (Emotional Guy, Physical Guy) in my life now vs having one person to meet all my needs. But I also feel I have enough love to share - maybe my parents passed on a "hippy gene" in that respect.
Do you think that your marriage being a very happy one sets the bar rather high for other potential mates? On one level, it would mean you really know what you're looking for, but on another level, everything you've said about your marriage on here indicates that it was a very loving relationship. And I do think those are not easy to find. Why enter into a marriage that would give you less satisfaction and happiness than your first one? So you'd be looking for something that meets or exceeds that level, right? Or am I looking at it the wrong way?
It's been in the past several months that I've been questioning if the traditional route is for me. My life thus far would indicate it's not meant for me and maybe I should start paying attention to that.
I have someone who meets my emotional needs but it's a platonic relationship physically. I honestly feel if I had a FWB to meet the physical needs, I'd be set. I have someone in mind who I have been dancing around a physical relationship with for years, but we'll see if it turns into a FWB situation; right now, it's a ONS.
But, then again, if the "right" person came along, I'd be okay with that too, though I feel the ship for kids has sailed and I'm perfectly fine with an LTR that doesn't involve rushing down the aisle. It's a little scary given I've already been widowed once, but at least now I know how to handle things legally in case that were to happen again.
I do think my only LTR ending with a premature death does hold me back from really opening myself up to another relationship along with an abusive past filled with rejection from pretty much everyone who has ever claimed to love me. I think that plays in to me being okay with compartmentalizing people (Emotional Guy, Physical Guy) in my life now vs having one person to meet all my needs. But I also feel I have enough love to share - maybe my parents passed on a "hippy gene" in that respect.
I've been back and forth with this over the years as well. Traditional relationships, as what most people around me are in, has just seemed to never work out long-term for me. I've always had luck with an FWB, but I've never really had someone in my camp who offered the emotional component without getting attached themselves. Talking with someone on a daily basis can definitely spark an emotional attachment and I've tended to have it with women that didn't share the same component with me.
I'm on a bit of a hiatus on a lot of things right now and it's been VERY eye opening. I've reached a point in my life where I feel I can share my opinion and not care if the person agrees, disagrees, stays in my life, or leaves my life. It's a great feeling to have, yet at the same time, I feel as if I've opened myself to die on my own sword. What I mean is that I spent so many years bending over backwards to keep certain people in my life that now that I don't care as much, I've realized just how much idle time I have that isn't really accounted for at the moment. I used to spend too much time texting and building up their spirits, while I found in hindsight that they weren't doing the same for me.
Being able to open up and share my wants, feelings, and desires now is fine. I hope that I can attract a traditional relationship; however, my track record does not indicate that it's a possibility. I still remain hopeful though that the right woman will come along and make all the experiences up to this point in my life make a little bit more sense.
I don't think you're odd at all. I knew in my early twenties that I did not want to get married and have kids, and that hasn't changed and I'll be 50 in a little over four months. It took me many years, but I finally met someone who understands me and wanted the same thing as I do. We usually spend three to four nights together each week (sometimes more, sometimes less) while having separate residences. I know my relationship isn't traditional, but I'm fine with that.
Last edited by david0966; 05-25-2016 at 10:59 AM..
Jrz I have had somewhat similar experiences as you i.e. growing up in a rural area with no friends nearby and spent a lot of time playing by myself, reading etc. My parents were also miserably married, my father was absent for long periods of time due to work. I spent my teen years in boarding school, so in short, I led a very solitary kind of life.
Fast forward to adulthood - 2 disastrous marriages, 1 disastrous 5 year relationship before the penny finally dropped - I can't stand having a significant other in my life every day, every night - its way too suffocating and I finally realized, I like being alone!
I'm presently in another long relationship but its very different from my previous relationships. We see each other only a couple of days a week and the rest of the time is my own. It suits both of us extremely well and has endured now for over 10 years.
So I don't think you're "odd" at all and you sure have a good handle on who you are and as long as you're happy with that, then good luck to you!
Maybe because I saw my parents basically do everything in your last sentence for so long, I went a different route?
I think it is very possible your parents affected your view. However, if you wanted a traditional relationship, I am guessing based on your post you could have had it if you really wanted it.
My parents kind of hated each other. Seeing that interaction has affected me in regards to how sure I have to be of a woman to settle down with. I couldnt imagine living that life my parents did and putting children through that situation. Perhaps that is why I have had such a hard time with trust over the years. Who knows.
For me, I like to think if I was a better dater and relationship partner, I could have found someone for a LTR. But, although I dont see myself as a bad person, I struggle in presenting myself as someone a woman would want to have a LTR with. Not that I have been alone my whole life, but I have certainly struggled in different times of my life to acheive intimacy.
I think my struggles and other people like me are what drive people into thinking they need a LTR, cause I dont get that emotional or physical intimacy from my daily mostly single life.
And then there are people who achieve emotional and physcial intimacy more easily than people like me, and they are happy as such, and dont require the daily commitmen to one person for months or years in a LTR.
As a society, there are all types of people and different combinations as to what drives them and makes them happy.
Do you think that your marriage being a very happy one sets the bar rather high for other potential mates? On one level, it would mean you really know what you're looking for, but on another level, everything you've said about your marriage on here indicates that it was a very loving relationship. And I do think those are not easy to find. Why enter into a marriage that would give you less satisfaction and happiness than your first one? So you'd be looking for something that meets or exceeds that level, right? Or am I looking at it the wrong way?
It was definitely a loving relationship but it was also a human one so it wasn't perfect. But it also showed me what "right" feels like for me and taught me to be open minded because what I *think* is perfect for me and what actually *is* perfect for me may not be remotely close to each other.
I've been lucky over the last several years to develop some really good male friendships, including my BFF. It was after the last guy I dated that I truly realized just how well my male friends treat me and they've actually become a benchmark - anyone I date long-term has to treat me better than my male friends do and that bar is set VERY high.
As I've always been afraid of growing old alone, however, lately I've also been asking myself if perhaps I should just settle for the next decent guy who comes along that really likes me - of course, even that could be years from now. Would it be better for me to try to fake that I'm happy when deep down I'm not just so I don't end up alone? Deep down, I know the answer is no - I'm better off staying alone and hoping for the best than keeping someone from finding a woman who wants him as much as he wants her. Plus, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve so if I'm not really feeling it, it's pretty obvious. As a result, I'm really not one who can date someone just for the sake of dating so even if I wanted to just settle for the next, I don't know that I'd even be able to.
It was definitely a loving relationship but it was also a human one so it wasn't perfect. But it also showed me what "right" feels like for me and taught me to be open minded because what I *think* is perfect for me and what actually *is* perfect for me may not be remotely close to each other.
I've been lucky over the last several years to develop some really good male friendships, including my BFF. It was after the last guy I dated that I truly realized just how well my male friends treat me and they've actually become a benchmark - anyone I date long-term has to treat me better than my male friends do and that bar is set VERY high.
As I've always been afraid of growing old alone, however, lately I've also been asking myself if perhaps I should just settle for the next decent guy who comes along that really likes me - of course, even that could be years from now. Would it be better for me to try to fake that I'm happy when deep down I'm not just so I don't end up alone? Deep down, I know the answer is no - I'm better off staying alone and hoping for the best than keeping someone from finding a woman who wants him as much as he wants her. Plus, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve so if I'm not really feeling it, it's pretty obvious. As a result, I'm really not one who can date someone just for the sake of dating so even if I wanted to just settle for the next, I don't know that I'd even be able to.
Yea, i dont think the bolded is a good idea.
I dont think this is uncommon, and this leads to unhappiness down the road, vs worst case scenerio loneliness.
I have dated people who thought on paper I was good for them, but the relationship was just lacking something. For whatever reason, we didnt click. Long term, I could have faked it and tried my best for years and years, but I could tell I wasnt the one for the one I was dating.
For me, it is always obvious when someone is settling for me, as opposed to truley feeling blessed or lucky to have found me. I have experienced both, and due to that, I will only engage in LTR with a woman who feels lucky I am in her life. Believe me, some people fake it, but there are massive indicators. And it really cant be faked, not 100% and not over a long period of time for 100%.
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