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I'm 31. Divorced because during the seventh year of marriage my relationship with my husband started breaking apart. We weren't being intimate, and when I asked my husband why he wasn't sexually interested in me, he initially said there was no reason, later admitted to porn addiction. Also, when I asked when are we finally going to have children, he said he actually realized he didn't want children. I felt like i was going to be deprived of some very important life experiences if I stayed, and told him I couldn't live like that.
I realize I went into self-defense mode very quickly and withdrew emotionally from the relationship with my ex as soon as I felt rejected. I questioned my decision to divorce after I did, but both therapists I saw said I made the right decision.
My first therapist told me my relationship issues are because I am not selfish enough, and I try to be a people pleaser instead of doing what's best for me.
My second therapist is exploring what she calls an avoidant attachment style in me, attributing it to my history of emotional abuse from my mother, but so far she hasn't told me how to break out of this avoidant style.
If any of you guys here know of any good books to read on this topic, or have any constructive suggestions, I am willing to listen to whatever is good.
I really wouldn't like to hurt anyone or make anyone's life miserable. I wish I could just be normal, and fall in love with someone good, and have a family and children like normal people. I just don't know how to get there.
You are very cold, snobbish, and petty. Do him a favor and break up.
Dating someone with the intention of figuring out if they're someone you want to spend your life with is cold, snobbish and petty? If that's the case, everyone who dates is these things.
The OP went into the relationship with that intent and now has figured out this guy isn't for her. Her reasons may strike you as unreasonable, but it's not you that's in the relationship. That's life. It happens all the time and now all that remains is for her to kindly and firmly break it off.
I'm 31. Divorced because during the seventh year of marriage my relationship with my husband started breaking apart. We weren't being intimate, and when I asked my husband why he wasn't sexually interested in me, he initially said there was no reason, later admitted to porn addiction. Also, when I asked when are we finally going to have children, he said he actually realized he didn't want children. I felt like i was going to be deprived of some very important life experiences if I stayed, and told him I couldn't live like that.
I realize I went into self-defense mode very quickly and withdrew emotionally from the relationship with my ex as soon as I felt rejected. I questioned my decision to divorce after I did, but both therapists I saw said I made the right decision.
My first therapist told me my relationship issues are because I am not selfish enough, and I try to be a people pleaser instead of doing what's best for me.
My second therapist is exploring what she calls an avoidant attachment style in me, attributing it to my history of emotional abuse from my mother, but so far she hasn't told me how to break out of this avoidant style.
If any of you guys here know of any good books to read on this topic, or have any constructive suggestions, I am willing to listen to whatever is good.
I really wouldn't like to hurt anyone or make anyone's life miserable. I wish I could just be normal, and fall in love with someone good, and have a family and children like normal people. I just don't know how to get there.
OP, you can't force yourself to feel what you don't feel. And you shouldn't try. That's a sure recipe for greater unhappiness for you and this guy down the road.
There's nothing wrong with telling him that you just don't see a long term relationship with him and breaking it off so you both can move forward and find the right people to spend your lives with. Just do it kindly and firmly leaving no doubt that it's over.
You gave it a shot. It didn't work out. Stop beating yourself up for it. And stop trying to make yourself "fit" with people just so you can be "normal". This is your journey not anyone else's and you will get there when it's right for you.
Dating someone with the intention of figuring out if they're someone you want to spend your life with is cold, snobbish and petty? If that's the case, everyone who dates is these things.
The OP went into the relationship with that intent and now has figured out this guy isn't for her. Her reasons may strike you as unreasonable, but it's not you that's in the relationship. That's life. It happens all the time and now all that remains is for her to kindly and firmly break it off.
This. You'd think these people have never been in a relationship that took time to develop. Either that or they want to revenge themselves on the OP because someone, sometime has given them the heave-ho.
I mean, I was extremely fortunate when I met my wife because the chemistry was almost instantaneous. But I've had past relationships where it took a while to ferment.
I think the OP's heart is in the right place. She gave it her best shot, but doesn't feel it. So now all that there's left to do is break things off in a kind and respectful way.
It reads like you're keeping him around for your benefit, even though you don't see a future with him. That's by definition using somebody. It's great that you like him a whole lot and appreciate him. It's unfair to carry on a pseudo-romantic relationship with somebody with whom you don't see a future, just because they're nice people with positive traits. You're actually preventing him from meeting someone who actually is romantically interested in him.
This.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marketa
My intention is to give people a chance, no matter college degree or not. Thus, I agreed to date him, and see if magic happens. I very much appreciate him, and know that what he has is hard to find, yet I never got that feeling of being head over heels in love. I think the problem with him not having gone to college is that his experiences and world view are more limited than mine, although he is curious when I try to introduce him to new ideas. I travelled more than him; met more people; ate weird foods, and have overall more liberal ideas. And I wonder if the reason for him being more of a local guy is because he never went to college, and was not exposed to a larger world.
What fascinates me about him is his loyalty, his commitment, his goodness to people and animals, his ability to be a real man, a protector and a provider. Yet, (I will be a snob and say it anyway), I feel that there isn't a lot he can teach me about the world. He can provide a lot of stability and reliability, but lacks the WOW factor. I would ideally like to feel both, with the same person. Am I doomed to be single forever because what I want is unrealistic?
PS: we've been dating for six months now. I would like to fall in love with him, because he seems like a great long term partner, but I can't make myself fall in love with him.
I had very similar criteria because they, among other things, were better markers for long term compatibility, for me. If the feelings aren't there and you don't see long term potential, you're ultimately incompatible. I would definitely break things off now rather than continue on, stringing him along.
It's not wrong to want someone with a similar worldview as yourself. When I was dating I met a lot of nice guys like your boyfriend. Great, wonderful guys! Guys who appreciated me and would have been wonderful to me, but I just couldn't make myself fall in love with them and sometimes I really wished I could! I also met guys who had the wow factor, but would have been terrible long term partners. I really was starting to doubt that I would ever meet someone who was both. A great person, but one who I could really feel excited about being with. And then I met my boyfriend! He is everything I ever dreamed of and I am so glad I never settled. Hang in there and keep trying. And please let this guy down easy. If at six months you don't love him, then you ARE wasting both of your time.
I travelled more than him; met more people; ate weird foods, and have overall more liberal ideas. And I wonder if the reason for him being more of a local guy is because he never went to college, and was not exposed to a larger world.
Yup, dump him. If you were in love with him, that part wouldn't matter to you. Find someone more experienced/well traveled. I've been with people like that. They get bored easily. I felt I didn't have much to add to their life since they've seen everything. Personally I think that part is shallow to judge someone on but to each their own.
My first therapist told me my relationship issues are because I am not selfish enough, and I try to be a people pleaser instead of doing what's best for me.
My second therapist is exploring what she calls an avoidant attachment style in me, attributing it to my history of emotional abuse from my mother, but so far she hasn't told me how to break out of this avoidant style.
If any of you guys here know of any good books to read on this topic, or have any constructive suggestions, I am willing to listen to whatever is good.
I really wouldn't like to hurt anyone or make anyone's life miserable. I wish I could just be normal, and fall in love with someone good, and have a family and children like normal people. I just don't know how to get there.
Google how to stop being a people pleaser. Lots of info comes up.
Adjust your dating criteria to include the things that are important to you.
Let this guy go if you've concluded he'll never be the one. You would be hurting him by continuing to date him when you know there's no future. Remember love takes time, so work on yourself & become the best version of yourself.
Like attracts like, so once you're in a healthier place, you're more likely to meet a similarly functional person.
If he doesn't have a degree, and that's a deal breaker for you, why are still dating him? Maybe you keep going because he takes you out and you're waiting till someone better comes along.
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