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That's fun, and I'm sure it was a relief to not have it "end badly," but sex talk can also become a deflection tactic.
The main point still needs to be addressed.
I also don't agree with making him "work to get back into your life." That's just game playing, and totally different from backing off and giving him a chance to miss you.
If he likes a challenge, great, but no need to make him jump through hoops when you really need to be approaching this like 2 adults.
I wouldn't be too worried about deflecting the main points, they would be addressed at later point if/when we sit down and communicate. I knew that that night, there was no point to demand more of him emotionally.
By making him work to get back into my life, I meant back off and give each of us space. Eventually waiting for him to initiate contact (or work for it) and allowing him to miss me. We have the same views, just call them with different names. Haha
Oh...I thought he followed up by saying he wasn't serious about wanting to take a break. I can somewhat see how the lack of a firm statement indicating that can leave you wondering. You should follow-up with him on the issue and not let it remain open (in your mind and his).
[do it during a non-100 hour work week]
Ah, fair enough then. Yes, no firm statements were made that night. I would definitely follow up after he contacts me, perhaps after some long overdue romance is had. Regardless, I would not allow the issue to be sidetracked.
Resume: Boyfriend (30, very successful) and I (23, well educated with a good a job) have been dating for five months now. The relationship started off very intensely and we got serious from the start. He has been an amazing partner and until recently I could not wish for more. Constant communication, romantic dates, meeting each other's families, wedding parties etc.
The way things escalated: He has a highly demanding job in a leading investment bank, therefore I was warned at the start that work might take over at some point. I accepted it considering my own busy lifestyle and we went on with our lives. The last three weeks have been awfully strenuous for us as he's been working 100+ hours with no weekends. Needless to say, seeing each other has been impossible and trying to be understanding got harder.
Issue: I couldn't handle the lack of usual amounts of communication any longer and upon having a very hard time with my family, I needed him and his support. He seemed somewhat reserved and although wanting to understand the situation, he did not seem overly worried about my feelings. Because I was emotional and an absolute wreck at that time, I sent a message later that evening saying that I understand how demanding work is but that things are different, perhaps he's not happy with me and maybe we are not right for each other. His response was dry, stating that "I am busy with work and don't really have any spare time. So things aren't the same. Maybe we'd be better off taking a break for a while."
I knew he was expecting my response for good couple of hours (could see him typing but not sending the messages) and I contemplated saying either "Take as long as you need, I am done " or "Let's discuss in person and see if it's worth it in the long shot" but instead decided to break the pattern of strongly demanding and emotionally charged conversations that I introduced. Therefore, I joked saying "Maybe. After the break do we go on a date or straight to bed?" (Inside joke), his response was obvious and I could see he was relieved. We sent a few more light-hearted messages.
I don't know what to do here - I have feelings for him, yet his attitude baffled me. I expected more because he was constantly giving more before. However, I was fully aware what work could be like for him and people with his profession. I also knew work would come first more often than not. Yet, he either was not man enough to end it while already doing so in his head or truly couldn't handle stress at work, no time to sleep and my demands, ultimately resulting in suggesting space. Do I go on with my life and see how it pans out or should I give it a month and then completely disregard him?
Thanks!
Five months is a very new relationship...you're barely out of college and he is somewhat more experienced. And, the last 3 weeks is relatively "nothing" in terms of time. This sounds like the first rough patch you've hit, yet you were pretty dramatic in hoping to get his attention by saying that "maybe we aren't ready for each other". After 3 weeks you're ready to end it? Then you didn't get the reaction you wanted...because he treated you like a child throwing a tantrum.
He's working 100 hours a week! He has no time or energy for ANYTHING right now, especially your "issues". Tantrums won't work. Is this workload typical? Only for a few months? Either get used to it or say "we'll see" in a couple months. Get your own life back in the meantime.
'Because I was emotional and an absolute wreck at that time, I sent a message later that evening saying that I understand how demanding work is but that things are different, perhaps he's not happy with me and maybe we are not right for each other. His response was dry, stating that "I am busy with work and don't really have any spare time. So things aren't the same. Maybe we'd be better off taking a break for a while." '
It sounds to me like he called your bluff, based on what you wrote in the portion I quoted above. You told him, when he was under an unusually large work-related burden, that the two of you were not right for each other. Did you really mean that? Because it seems to me, if you're here now questioning this, that perhaps you said that just to get a response from him.
If that is what really happened, you aren't emotionally mature enough for a committed relationship, AFAIAC.
I wouldn't be too worried about deflecting the main points, they would be addressed at later point if/when we sit down and communicate. I knew that that night, there was no point to demand more of him emotionally.
By making him work to get back into my life, I meant back off and give each of us space. Eventually waiting for him to initiate contact (or work for it) and allowing him to miss me. We have the same views, just call them with different names. Haha
You have mentioned *making him work to get back into your life* several times, what is the point on his part and why are you treating this like a game that has to be won?
You obviously from your own admission cannot handle his strong commitment to his employment at these times and I doubt it will get better in the future.
You need to completely remove the blinders from your eyes.
Personally if you made so many demands in a short 5 months to me you would be very gone very quickly from my life.
'Because I was emotional and an absolute wreck at that time, I sent a message later that evening saying that I understand how demanding work is but that things are different, perhaps he's not happy with me and maybe we are not right for each other. His response was dry, stating that "I am busy with work and don't really have any spare time. So things aren't the same. Maybe we'd be better off taking a break for a while." '
It sounds to me like he called your bluff, based on what you wrote in the portion I quoted above. You told him, when he was under an unusually large work-related burden, that the two of you were not right for each other. Did you really mean that? Because it seems to me, if you're here now questioning this, that perhaps you said that just to get a response from him.
If that is what really happened, you aren't emotionally mature enough for a committed relationship, AFAIAC.
If he is/was unhappy it meant that perhaps we simply aren't right for one another and I suggested we should be clear either way. I was going through a terrible time with my mother who was unwell, dealing with a lot of work related stress and uncertainty of the way the relationship was, simply took its toll pushing me to a point where I usually wouldn't or would extremely rarely go. In all fairness, ending things would have been somewhat less emotionally taxing for both of us at that time and therefore I openly put the option on the table.
You have mentioned *making him work to get back into your life* several times, what is the point on his part and why are you treating this like a game that has to be won?
You obviously from your own admission cannot handle his strong commitment to his employment at these times and I doubt it will get better in the future.
You need to completely remove the blinders from your eyes.
Personally if you made so many demands in a short 5 months to me you would be very gone very quickly from my life.
You are being awfully selective here, once more, making him work equates allowing us to have enough space where at a later point he does eventually contact me/put an effort of some sort.
Again, for the umpteenth time, I have no trouble with the fact he is incredibly busy at work but I do not understand the general change of behaviour. That being saod, if there is a clear understanding of his expectations towards me and the relationship in times of excessive work pressure, then that itself would not be an issue. Nearly four weeks is a fair bit of time. Also, I am unsure how I made "so many demands"? Again, I have been very understanding of his commitments and encouraged and supported him fully. I have never demanded his attention and the only time I've done so is when I was truly and emotionally fragile due to medical emergency.
If he is/was unhappy it meant that perhaps we simply aren't right for one another and I suggested we should be clear either way. I was going through a terrible time with my mother who was unwell, dealing with a lot of work related stress and uncertainty of the way the relationship was, simply took its toll pushing me to a point where I usually wouldn't or would extremely rarely go. In all fairness, ending things would have been somewhat less emotionally taxing for both of us at that time and therefore I openly put the option on the table.
It sounds like you got your answer, only it wasn't the one you were expecting. If he's always going to be putting in 100 hour weeks then perhaps you are incompatible or you have to figure out a way of genuinely making peace with it. Who would you have spoken to prior to meeting him about all your stressors? Tap into that resource once again.
The last thing someone wants after a ****ty day at work, is someone adding to that stress by behaving like a petulant child. You handled the situation poorly.
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