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You are being awfully selective here, once more, making him work equates allowing us to have enough space where at a later point he does eventually contact me/put an effort of some sort.
Again, for the umpteenth time, I have no trouble with the fact he is incredibly busy at work but I do not understand the general change of behaviour. That being saod, if there is a clear understanding of his expectations towards me and the relationship in times of excessive work pressure, then that itself would not be an issue. Nearly four weeks is a fair bit of time. Also, I am unsure how I made "so many demands"? Again, I have been very understanding of his commitments and encouraged and supported him fully. I have never demanded his attention and the only time I've done so is when I was truly and emotionally fragile due to medical emergency.
Not selective at all and four weeks is pocket change, I went 7 months without seeing my husband because of work more than once with little to no contact for days or weeks depending on where he was located.
He told you up front he would be fully immersed in his job so his *expectation* was that you would be understanding without him having to explain it to you every time it happened.
You are the one who missed his expectations and if you need to have everything explained in the relationship every time something changes........
Also, your issues with your Mother are simply that, your issues why do you expect him to shoulder your emotional burdens after 5 months of dating/sex?
It sounds like you got your answer, only it wasn't the one you were expecting. If he's always going to be putting in 100 hour weeks then perhaps you are incompatible or you have to figure out a way of genuinely making peace with it. Who would you have spoken to prior to meeting him about all your stressors? Tap into that resource once again.
The last thing someone wants after a ****ty day at work, is someone adding to that stress by behaving like a petulant child. You handled the situation poorly.
His work is pretty fluid and it goes through stages. There would be times he would have more free time than me, others when he would be fairly busy but still have time and then there is the current four weeks of not seeing one another period. It was just an unfortunate timing as all crumbled on me. Again, I have not to this day complained to him regardless of how bad things could be. I'd sometimes mention an issue at work as a passing comment over dinner but my mothers health is on a completely different level of importance and clearly influences me emotionally.
I should've done it in person and acted a bit differently, good point.
His work is pretty fluid and it goes through stages. There would be times he would have more free time than me, others when he would be fairly busy but still have time and then there is the current four weeks of not seeing one another period. It was just an unfortunate timing as all crumbled on me. Again, I have not to this day complained to him regardless of how bad things could be. I'd sometimes mention an issue at work as a passing comment over dinner but my mothers health is on a completely different level of importance and clearly influences me emotionally.
I should've done it in person and acted a bit differently, good point.
I don't think five months of dating is a level at which I would involve someone into my personal family health concerns. Why burden him with that? Does he actually know your mother, has he spent meaningful time with her? This is starting to sound more and more awkward. If you are so emotional about your mother's health then maybe you shouldn't be worried about this relationship in which you've really only spent four months, since the last month you haven't even seen each other. I'm starting to think that one poster who stated the guy may just be using his work as an excuse to distance himself from you is onto something. Let him go if that's the case - if he wants you he knows where to find you.
Not selective at all and four weeks is pocket change, I went 7 months without seeing my husband because of work more than once with little to no contact for days or weeks depending on where he was located.
He told you up front he would be fully immersed in his job so his *expectation* was that you would be understanding without him having to explain it to you every time it happened.
You are the one who missed his expectations and if you need to have everything explained in the relationship every time something changes........
Also, your issues with your Mother are simply that, your issues why do you expect him to shoulder your emotional burdens after 5 months of dating/sex?
I don't know how things work in your world but for me, I expect to be able to share my heartache with my partner. If something is that important and I am worried (trust me on this, he knows it too, I do not need any support with emotional or personal matters and usually deal with all on my own), then him being attentive for a few minutes is nothing to ask. Regardless of outside pressures, both parties need to make an effort especially when one does need a little TLC.
He did say work does get demanding at times at the start of our relationship, yet when weeks of not seeing each other started rolling and his behaviour changed, I did need a quick message saying "I love you. Don't know how long this goes for but it will eventually normalise." When you're married you do know exactly how your significant other operates in situations of high work pressure and no contact, yet in a somewhat new relationship, going from being fully attached (to a point where I'd jokingly say he needs to go to work) to a somewhat different person can make the other wonder if there's something else going on.
I don't know how things work in your world but for me, I expect to be able to share my heartache with my partner. If something is that important and I am worried (trust me on this, he knows it too, I do not need any support with emotional or personal matters and usually deal with all on my own), then him being attentive for a few minutes is nothing to ask. Regardless of outside pressures, both parties need to make an effort especially when one does need a little TLC.
He did say work does get demanding at times at the start of our relationship, yet when weeks of not seeing each other started rolling and his behaviour changed, I did need a quick message saying "I love you. Don't know how long this goes for but it will eventually normalise." When you're married you do know exactly how your significant other operates in situations of high work pressure and no contact, yet in a somewhat new relationship, going from being fully attached (to a point where I'd jokingly say he needs to go to work) to a somewhat different person can make the other wonder if there's something else going on.
I doubt you could handle my world and a major difference is the want versus the need.
This is my point exactly, you are expecting *married* support when you have only been dating for a short time and barely know each other.
By the way, the first 7 month period of not seeing him, we had only been a couple for 2 months.......
You appear to refuse to see the forest because the trees on in the way.
Good luck, I am stepping off of this carousel going round and round and round and.....
You are being awfully selective here, once more, making him work equates allowing us to have enough space where at a later point he does eventually contact me/put an effort of some sort.
Again, for the umpteenth time, I have no trouble with the fact he is incredibly busy at work but I do not understand the general change of behaviour. That being saod, if there is a clear understanding of his expectations towards me and the relationship in times of excessive work pressure, then that itself would not be an issue. Nearly four weeks is a fair bit of time. Also, I am unsure how I made "so many demands"? Again, I have been very understanding of his commitments and encouraged and supported him fully. I have never demanded his attention and the only time I've done so is when I was truly and emotionally fragile due to medical emergency.
I get it. Until you go through a stressful time like a break in communication or work stress involving long hours, it's difficult to understand what "stressful work life" really means because it looks different for different people and situations. I agree that you're right in backing off. I'd avoid any further comments that imply you're expecting him to "win" you back. Just pull it back a little and wait until he gets in touch with you or shows you that things are less stressful for him.
Now you know what his work life will be like during these more stressful times, and you will have to decide if this works for you and the relationship you want. Try avoiding reading into his lack of communication as him not being ready for a relationship or indifferent. His lack of response and warm fuzzies is likely the result of work stress. It's hard to be warm and fuzzy when you're under so much stress.
So if things get better for him and you both decide to continue the relationship, now you have an idea what to expect during these times.
My first husband was AD military, and I knew going into the relationship that he would deploy and go away for assignments. That's the military life, and I knew it, was raised around it. He deployed for four months four months into the relationship. I didn't hear from him until two weeks after he left. And the next deployment it was three weeks. This was typical. Sometimes he was under a lot of stress and worked long hours and wasn't always upbeat. I was understanding and supportive. I went on about my life, kept busy, and was there for him when he was more available.
If you two get back together it will serve you well to find other things to keep you busy and distracted when communication is lacking. Let him know you're there, but find other things to keep you busy and moving forward.
I get it. Until you go through a stressful time like a break in communication or work stress involving long hours, it's difficult to understand what "stressful work life" really means because it looks different for different people and situations. I agree that you're right in backing off. I'd avoid any further comments that imply you're expecting him to "win" you back. Just pull it back a little and wait until he gets in touch with you or shows you that things are less stressful for him.
Now you know what his work life will be like during these more stressful times, and you will have to decide if this works for you and the relationship you want. Try avoiding reading into his lack of communication as him not being ready for a relationship or indifferent. His lack of response and warm fuzzies is likely the result of work stress. It's hard to be warm and fuzzy when you're under so much stress.
So if things get better for him and you both decide to continue the relationship, now you have an idea what to expect during these times.
If you two get back together it will serve you well to find other things to keep you busy and distracted when communication is lacking. Let him know you're there, but find other things to keep you busy and moving forward.
Thanks, very good points. It is now much clearer for me what stressful work life and lack of communication means in the worst of times with him.
I am now finding it difficult to pull back and wait for his contact as I genuinely do miss him but it does seem like nothing else could be done. It's his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks and I would probably send him a message, otherwise regardless of how hard it is for me, I will not initiate contact.
Here's the bottom line: You have to decide whether you're OK with this "feast or famine" pattern in the long run, as apparently he is incapable of balancing work with, well, everything else. As someone who has done the 80-100 hour weeks and travel, I get how stressful and easy it is to just block everything out during those times...but I also knew it's not healthy or the right way to treat people in my life. It seems he's incapable of meeting your expectations and needs of the relationship.
Relationships should be give and take, for both parties. I don't think it's wrong for you to feel he should be able to be there for you when you're going through a distressing family situation if the relationship has made it onto that sort of plane. Some relationships do progress to that point quickly whereas others never get there. I would be distressed if the man I was seeing exclusively for five months blew me off when I needed a shoulder to cry on; I would take it as insensitive and cold.
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