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I tried my best to hold the marriage together but to no avail so when the ex left me after 25 years I felt cast adrift. Thankfully, and that may sound strange, she was so controlling, demanding and unreasonable during the divorce proceedings that my feelings for her and the marriage began to evaporate. That was compounded by the fact that she was alienating me from my children. Finally I discovered that shortly after leaving she had moved her boyfriend in with herself and my two minor daughters and she'd known him for a number of months before leaving me. Imagine that!
I spent the next two+ years living like a monk with no social life whatsoever and none wanted. I wanted to concentrate on my part in the demise of a long-term marriage and fix whatever was broken about me. Over time I realized that I was getting my mojo back and was taking joy in myself and my new life. Ultimately I asked out a friend I'd known, admired and respected for five years and we were married shortly thereafter. Cure complete!
A bad relationship can really drag you through the coals. It's a grind on your overall well-being, and the longer you remained in that relationship, the longer it takes to recover. Time helps, but you also have to be proactive and live your life by doing the things you most enjoy. Not easy if you are suffering with depression, but start by taking small steps. Spend time with friends and family, and never hinge your happiness to any one person. Those were some of the lessons I learned.
With time, I was back to my happy go lucky self again. I didn't allow myself wallow in sadness very long. I accepted what had happen, painfully let it all go, close that chapter in my life, and focus on starting anew. Life is just too short to be in the dumps, unhappy and bitter for any extended period of time.
My dreams of the future didn't change, just the woman I wanted to be with.
I did the male chauvinist pig thing: slept with as many women as I could find. The reason was that my ex beat the crap out of my sexual and gender-based sense of self-worth. In the process of getting that back, i not only had a lot of fun, but also discovered what i really needed was emotional intimacy as much, or more, than sexual intimacy. That period lasted for about 18 months, when the woman I've been together with since 1997, parachuted suddenly, and without warning, into my life, looking for the same things. We share the best of both possible worlds.
So, this is what worked for me. I got what i wanted and what i needed without knowing what i needed when i started out. Stay open for surprises. The post-divorce period can be a great opportunity for personal self-development, even if you didn't start by heading in that direction.
When I was preparing for divorce, my main expectation from it was a sense of freedom, closure, and the feeling of a second chance. Only it proved to be way more painful than expected. In addition to the grief, I also felt like I was left without the vitality that characterized me before. I used to be (and want to believe that deep inside I still am) cheerful, positive, upbeat and always smiling, ready to move mountains. Now I find myself more humble, less confident, and definitely more suspicious of new relationships, wondering in the back of my mind, what if it ends up the same way.. I found myself in need of a personal reinvention and finding. What I used to love during my married life (living in the woods, cooking, organic gardening, planning parties, decorating my house, hiking, developing professionally, etc) now feels so foreign to me, and I can't put myself in a position to want to do that anymore. I partly think I went through some depression. ..
Those of you who divorced and came out better out of it, what helped you find your glow and get back on the horse? what helped you keep the hope that it will get better? It's been eight months for me, and I still feel numb, unable to really rejoice, and without a clear idea of what exactly would make me happy. I go to work every day, go to therapy once a week, and see my friends occasionally, but I still feel like my spirit is limp. Thank you in advance for your stories and suggestions!
This demonstrates how we all handle things so differently.
The very next day after divorce I was a bundle of energy/excitement. I was free! Everyday since has been considerably better than being chained to an unhappy woman/marriage. To answer the question, I immediately regained my glow.
I think it just takes time honestly. I knew pretty quickly that my marriage was a huge mistake. But getting a divorce was still a huge adjustment. I had thought of the rest of my life as being with him and being a certain way and then suddenly that vision was gone. Which turned out to be a VERY good thing, but it was still hard to adjust. It was also hard because I had failed at something that was important to me. It was hard to imagine how I would ever have the desire to try a relationship again. Especially a marriage! The final nail in the coffin of my marriage was my spouse cheating, so not only did I feel like a failure, but I also felt terrible about myself. It all took such a huge toll on my self esteem.
I got through it one day at a time. I ended up moving halfway across the country for a few years and that turned out to be a great decision for me. Then I came back to my home state where I met my awesome boyfriend and we are planning a move to a new state together! You will get back to yourself, just be patient. It will happen!
Regain my glow? Well, I really didn't. My ex did a lot of damage in the divorce. She's a full blown phsycopath, and had a couple friends helping her, who were worse. One even went so far as to plot to kill me, in front of my son. All I wanted was to be left be, didn't happen for a spell. When the lady I'm with now and I got together, the ex really went off her nut. She didn't want me to be happy in any way, and since they know each other, that really lit her fuse.
She couldn't do a thing about it, in the end, though she did try. Pulled some pretty nasty stunts. That's all in my wake now. I suppose I did regain a lot of my "glow" in my new relationship. We don't care about money and material stuff, keep it nice and simple. I think that's the trick, is keeping it as simple as possible. If your lucky, like I was, you'll find someone who thinks the same way.
When you find that sweet spot, life gets worth living again.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is what would happen to me as well.
I am hanging on till my boy is 18. Then there will be nothing tying me to this woman and I will be free.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is what would happen to me as well.
I am hanging on till my boy is 18. Then there will be nothing tying me to this woman and I will be free.
Don't kid yourself. Your son, through no fault of his own, will always tie you to his mother and that's as it should be.
Take it from a father of five, ages 28 to 46, parenting doesn't stop at 18. My childrens' mother and I have been divorced for 22 years and her dementia notwithstanding (she's institutionalized and doesn't recognize herself, much less our children), she's still our childrens' mother and a factor in their lives, therefore mine as well even though I've been married to my wife for 20 of those years.
As to the subject at hand, a former spouse need not impede your "glow" post-divorce.
Don't kid yourself. Your son, through no fault of his own, will always tie you to his mother and that's as it should be.
Take it from a father of five, ages 28 to 46, parenting doesn't stop at 18. My childrens' mother and I have been divorced for 22 years and her dementia notwithstanding (she's institutionalized and doesn't recognize herself, much less our children), she's still our childrens' mother and a factor in their lives, therefore mine as well even though I've been married to my wife for 20 of those years.
As to the subject at hand, a former spouse need not impede your "glow" post-divorce.
When I was preparing for divorce, my main expectation from it was a sense of freedom, closure, and the feeling of a second chance. Only it proved to be way more painful than expected. In addition to the grief, I also felt like I was left without the vitality that characterized me before. I used to be (and want to believe that deep inside I still am) cheerful, positive, upbeat and always smiling, ready to move mountains. Now I find myself more humble, less confident, and definitely more suspicious of new relationships, wondering in the back of my mind, what if it ends up the same way.. I found myself in need of a personal reinvention and finding. What I used to love during my married life (living in the woods, cooking, organic gardening, planning parties, decorating my house, hiking, developing professionally, etc) now feels so foreign to me, and I can't put myself in a position to want to do that anymore. I partly think I went through some depression. ..
Those of you who divorced and came out better out of it, what helped you find your glow and get back on the horse? what helped you keep the hope that it will get better? It's been eight months for me, and I still feel numb, unable to really rejoice, and without a clear idea of what exactly would make me happy. I go to work every day, go to therapy once a week, and see my friends occasionally, but I still feel like my spirit is limp. Thank you in advance for your stories and suggestions!
I'm guessing you used to have fantasies of what you could do if you were single? Pull those out and look at them again and see what you can do now. One of the first things I did to regroup was to go camping. By myself. Getting out in the woods was very restorative to my soul but maybe getting in to the city, if just for a day, might be the thing for you.
What I used to love during my married life is no longer a big part of my life. I moved on to other things that I couldn't do when married. I used to keep a big garden--now I just have 3 cherry trees in the backyard and that's the extent of my gardening. The reason is that I travel too much during the summer and can't keep up with a garden.
Also, you may just be too isolated and need to get out and make single friends--your social life can take a nosedive when you get divorced. Even if you keep seeing your old friends, they are a reminder of what you just lost. Me, I took up folk dancing--had wanted to for years but my ex would never go. Turns out you don't need a partner for this so I started to go every week and that increased my happiness exponentially. While there I met a group of likeminded people that meet every week at a brewhouse to visit and dance and listen to a band and I met more people that way.
After 7 years, I'm way happier than I ever was married, and I actually had a pretty decent marriage. I'm a teacher and just got out of school a week ago and so far I've had dates with two different men and had three more dates with one of them. I went to a big dance weekend and met several new people. Attended a friend's party and will go to another friend's party this coming Saturday. Came home to pick cherries, which I'm taking a break from now. Will drive back to the city with them and will see my daughter tonight and going to the opera with another friend on Wednesday. Whew! I could never do all that while married and I'm having a blast. You'll be fine and some of this is necessary.
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