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i can dig where you are coming from NV, and all i can say is hang in there my friend. i dont know what medical problems she is dealing with, but i am dealing with having dialysis three days a week, as well as diabetes, anemia, hypertension, and high phosphorus levels, as well as low protein levels, among other things.
the best i can tell her, and you, is to have a positive outlook on life. let your sense of humor shine through, and make yourself and other laugh. for instance, when i tell people about dialysis, i tell them i get to get up at 4am, get stabbed with two needles large enough to sink aircraft carriers, and then bleed into a machine for four hours. i also get fussed at by the medical staff about drinking too much liquid and consuming too much phosphorus, and not enough protein.
so buck up my friend, and dont let these things get you down, dont sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff.
of course i have an advantage here, i am going to live forever because god dont want me, and the devil is afraid in am going to take over. that doesnt mean they wont torture me though for kicks.
So a guy being supportive of his lady now gets relegated to being "co-dependent" LOL, man this place just amazes me sometimes.
Not saying he is, but, after reading some of this threads, it is definitely something to consider. Supposedly, he wants to to anything and everything to help her. Discounting an option such as this, is definitely not doing everything he can to help.
It takes only a few hours to go to a few meetings.
Not saying he is, but, after reading some of this threads, it is definitely something to consider. Supposedly, he wants to to anything and everything to help her. Discounting an option such as this, is definitely not doing everything he can to help.
It takes only a few hours to go to a few meetings.
There are situations that are out of our mortal hands. As much as one person wants to help another, it just can't be done. And that, my friend, is tough to swallow when a person is a do-er, a fixer, and/or a resolver. When there is nothing that can be done, it can leave a feeling of uselessness.
NV: Just a thought, but would she be open to the idea of talking to someone that is/was in her same situation? It might help her feel less like no one understands. It might help her to ask questions from someone who knows exactly what she means and how she feels emotionally and physically. (For example, only another woman cancer patient would know what a female cancer is like and only another male cancer patient would know what a male cancer is like.)
My was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer on November 8th, 2015. My wife had a major 8 hour surgery on December 15th, including an ileostomy. She then had a 2nd surgery on February 9th to reverse the ileostomy. I missed about 2 months of work total.
She had spent 30 days total in the hospital during this time, I trekked to and from the hospital every single day she was in, and her primary caregiver at home. I was thrown into this role, accepted it, and gave it my ALL! Sure it was rough, and yes, there were times I didn't feel loved. I'm not a huge "believer" but it was GOD and ME with LOTS of love that pulled her through this whole ordeal! It's not over yet, she just completed her 3rd chemo session, and her CA 125 count went from 1500 pre-surgery down to 41 after her 2nd chemo session. I had to hear a lot of stay strong BS, and your relationship will only strengthen. I certainly had my doubts at times. There looks to be light at the end of the tunnel, I feel as though A LOT of it is due to my handiwork! So stay strong, if you love her enough, then give your ALL!
Just keep reminding yourself "For Better or For Worse" and you will come to realize..unfortunately your better half is loosing some aspect of connections...Without diagnosis?? who knows??..it seems you may get some answers with testing..Having no idea of your age..much less you beloved wife > Just maybe these tests can help you understand just what's going on..Rule out Alzheimers ..because as times goes on..without assistance..it not only won't get better..but ignorance about it will make you upset and angry...IF it is..ALL will be made clear..It's not YOU..But unfortunately...your beloved is afflicted ..REMEMBER..For Better or for Worse..because as you described..Your Walk thru life has been Good..So disregard those who suggest Bailing on her when she needs you more than ever before ..Best of luck and Prayers for Strength
^^^^ Agree 100%..What you need is to seek others who understand what is going on..A good Primary physician can refer you easily!! Only those who have walked your path or dealt with it understand it..and YEP..IF you want to be of any positive help..Seek HELP!! Bless you and Pray for any and ALL strength that you may need..Listening to negative types is not only unhelpful..BUT is actually hurtful..SO please disregard...The road ahead is unknown NOW..But your "Love" will get you thru it..Bless you and yours
No...its not Alzheimer's or anything like that. She's turning 54 and I'm 52 this year. The medical issues are physical. Hers and mine. Bad car/bike accidents when we were younger. Her issues are with her neck and she had TBI as well. They tried surgery on her neck four years ago, and it didn't work out. The hardware that was left in has caused problems. The TBI is catching up with her as well. Between the pain of the spine problems and the head injury, her short term memory and concentration are badly effected. A bit over a year ago, another incident jarred the hardware in her neck, and its been downhill from there.
The exacerbating injury makes removing the hardware tricky, at best, and could leave her even less functtional. They've done MRIs and X rays, and have a 3 phase bone scan on the docket. She's also getting set up with a neurologist, to address the old head trauma. We've been through seemingly endless counseling and therapy, following the incident that caused the secondary injury and a such sequent meltdown brought on by the mental trauma of it. Its not lime that "professional help" isn't on tap. That's not what she needs, nor I. She needs ME, and reassurance , that sticks, that I'm not beaten, and I'm not going to give up.
I don't think her fears are unusual, or unique to her. Her physical limitations at the moment would havie any woman worried that a man might seek life elsewhere, if you get my meaning. When the physical part of a relationship is this effected by things, people, men and women, worry. That's a tough rock to break. It takes dedication and resolve, to prove that you see far more to your relationship than physical intimacy. This is not her fault, she didn't ask for or want this. Its up to me to help her realize that I'm here to help carry the burden. I'm in it to win it, for the long ride home.
I don't know where the post about co dependency came from. Is this co dependent behavior? To me, its just saving a relationship that's so worth saving, and showing my lady (BTW..we aren't married) how much I Love her. That I'll always be there to kill the spiders, like I said. When we get a solid , medical, plan from the doctors, and we know what needs to be done, then maybe the counselors can help with recovery times and such. Meantime , balls in my court.
If you don't mind me asking, how much time has passed since the last "straw" and now?
I'm asking because these things can take awhile for an individual to process mentally and emotionally.
I went through completely different medical problems, but kinda with the same results, a lot of physical pain/limitation and a drop in my mental capacity. It took me a good year and half to fight back the panic and depression. I was lucky that most of the medical stuff is under control, but not fixable.
No matter how supportive my husband was I shut him out until my processing was finished.
Wish you two nothing but the best.
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If you don't mind me asking, how much time has passed since the last "straw" and now?
I'm asking because these things can take awhile for an individual to process mentally and emotionally.
I went through completely different medical problems, but kinda with the same results, a lot of physical pain/limitation and a drop in my mental capacity. It took me a good year and half to fight back the panic and depression. I was lucky that most of the medical stuff is under control, but not fixable.
No matter how supportive my husband was I shut him out until my processing was finished.
Wish you two nothing but the best.
The news about the problem with the old hardware is recent. Just last week. The physical issue with her neck/spine is nothing new, and the secondary injury is a bit over a year old. The severe physical down slide happened last December, while she was at work, and the doctors took her out of action then. Her job couldn't accommodate the restrictions, nor could anyplace else. She's done working. That was the straw, really. The subsequent process of getting a solid diagnoses and prognosis has been pretty lengthy, and quite trying.
She's on a pain management regimine that helps, but she's still in constant pain. The jarring the hardware took, that set the eventual collapse in motion, was caused by her being violently thrown to the ground. During an attempted rape. (Sigh) there I brought it up again. Thats what we've been through all the therapy et al for, and its a seperate issue to the rest. I've been straight up at her side all through that, since I got the call I needed to get to the hospital. We fought through that together, and it was damn tough. So, there has been some PTSD issues. I've had that myself , so I wasn't flying blind in helping her through it.
As I said, the onslaught of crap has seemed impossible at times. Like worst case scenerio just keeps coming. She successfully defended herself in the attack, and her attacker came out worse for wear. But that was little, if any, consolation to her. We've been pretty successful in getting past it, and some other problems that arose as a result of it, and now here's another hit. I can just tell she's starting to unravel again, and I just need to get her to open up. So she knows I'm staying in the fight and I won't let her drown. Sbes not shutting me out, but neither do I want it to seem as if I'm pressing. I want go be gentle in my approach. There is a female counselor that we've seen , that could be of help. She has been very good at getting us talking in the right way. I should probably give her a call and explain the new issues.
Of all the people we saw, over the course of ongoing therapy and such, she has been the most valuable. She knows how to put us at ease about opening up, helping avoid misunderstandings and misreading each other. This has been a long, hard ride, and its not over yet. But, this is my life. My Lady is my life. I'm not going to let these monsters swallow us up. I'll do whatever I need to. We'll know more about how things will proceed, medically speaking, over the next couple weeks, when the upcoming tests are revised and doctor consultations taken care of. In the meantime I'll do all I can to shore her up, and get us working together.
As I think about it, that counselor I mentioned will be quite valuable in helping to reassure her of my total commitment. She did it before. I'm not above asking her for help again. She's one of those rare "professional" types, that genuianally cares, and she knows is both well. From both couple and individual sessions.
Just here to say I hope you find the help you and your lady need. She is fortunate to have you stick it through this tough time.
Best of luck.
Im just thinking the same thing and what Id give to have found what is now a called a soulmate in my life....and what you are... You do have massive problems going on sadly.... Ive been there quite a few times in my life... and got through them.... I wish you both changes soon in your lives and all the very best... you seem a wonderful person...
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Is this co dependent behavior? To me, its just saving a relationship that's so worth saving, and showing my lady (BTW..we aren't married) how much I Love her. That I'll always be there to kill the spiders, like I said. When we get a solid , medical, plan from the doctors, and we know what needs to be done, then maybe the counselors can help with recovery times and such. Meantime , balls in my court.
