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Well...he may very well be taking you for granted, but heres the real question. Do you have standards? Do you allow him/enable him to treat you this way? Bitchin' doesn't get you what you need. I would talk to him. Tell him what you need. One of two things will happen, he will care enough to make the adjustment or he won't. Either way, allow him to make the choice to meet your needs. If he doesn't, then explain to him that you aren't compatible and because he is unwilling to meet your needs you cannot invest anymore into the relationship. There is no need to waste your time on someone that in unwilling to make an equal effort.
Intercourse is a physical expression of the intensity of feelings you have for your partner. Weapons are used against enemies. Let's get that straight first.
You and your partner should be working together, not against each other.
If that isn't happening, then you need to figure out why, and fast, or your relationship has pretty much run its course.
I want to clarify something here. When my friend was referring to using sex as a weapon, she said that I should have sex with him to get what I want from him. I am not deliberately withholding sex. This medication leaves me with the sex drive of a panda. I have tried to talk to him about this, but he has no interest in being supportive of me as I try to manage this condition.
I have tried to initiate a civil conversation with him about what I need, and every time I do, he dredges up something he claims I did in the past and just keeps hammering away at it. What starts as me seeking a resolution turns into me defending myself against his accusations. I'll give an example. Last New Year's we went to a party and he was accusing me of looking at some guy that was at the party. I was just being social with everyone there, but he overtakes me when I try to defend myself. He just refuses to let things go. It is now June and he still won't let it go. It is mentally exhausting.
It sounds to me like there's big, big mutual resentment going on here.
Your hopefully STBX doesn't believe it's the medications, swgirl...I'd put money on it. He thinks you're just being stubborn or perhaps already thinks you ARE withholding and have been "using" this to yank him around, or something of that nature. He has grown to seriously resent you over it, although if what you're saying is accurate, it really isn't your fault and you've tried to talk to him about it.
There just doesn't seem to be anywhere to go from here but a packed bag. I am so sorry. You'll find somebody more compatible.
After what he called you when he left I would imagine he is not your BF and the question is moot now.
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I want to clarify something here. When my friend was referring to using sex as a weapon, she said that I should have sex with him to get what I want from him
How is that any different? You should have sex with him because you want to and want to build that bond. If you can't have sex for that reason then you should probably find someone who is not as into sex. You two simply are not compatible. You want him to be understanding but you don't seem to get this something he needs just as much as you need understanding. Find someone else and let him find someone who can meet his needs.
If he refused to sleep with you how would you feel?
Unattractive?, ugly?, out of shape?, paranoid about cheating? ......... These are some of the things he might feel if you refuse to have sex with him.
I'm fine if we have had an argument and she's not really interested but if she refused and I don't know why ( as you've not told him why you're upset and he probably doesn't even realise that he's taking you for granted ) I may start to fear the worst and blame myself........ Which is not very nice.
And I'd be absolutely infuriated if it happened without her actually sitting me down and talked to me first!.
It sounds to me like there's big, big mutual resentment going on here.
Your hopefully STBX doesn't believe it's the medications, swgirl...I'd put money on it. He thinks you're just being stubborn or perhaps already thinks you ARE withholding and have been "using" this to yank him around, or something of that nature. He has grown to seriously resent you over it, although if what you're saying is accurate, it really isn't your fault and you've tried to talk to him about it.
There just doesn't seem to be anywhere to go from here but a packed bag. I am so sorry. You'll find somebody more compatible.
Oddly enough, I am sitting here with a sense of calm. It feels so good not to be screamed at, even if it does mean that I would be single. At this point I do not care if I date again. I've fought to prove myself to this guy-he goes on and on about how every woman has done him wrong. He said that two women got pregnant with someone else's child while they were with him. Not for nothing, but you think he would have learned after the first one. It's always someone else's fault.
I have given this a lot of thought. These accusations always seem to follow a conversation about being more responsible with finances. I will give some background. I am 41. He is 44. I have a good job and bought a home 4 years ago. He is renting (nothing wrong with that) but pays his rent late and then gets mad when the landlord charges him a late fee, which he has every right to do. He says he gets shutoff notices for his electric before he gets the bill. This makes no sense to me because I have been on my own for over 20 years and that has never happened to me. He has gotten his phone shut off a few times recently. He has three cars, two of which are older convertibles that are no good in the winter, and another car that is not insured or inspected. He claims that he spends $200 a month for gas on his Mustang. He has a basement full of crap that he says is worth money, but he won't sell any of it. He's always trying to borrow money from people and goes to his mom's house to eat because he never has food in his fridge. She's 80 years old and on a fixed income. He'd come to my house to eat until I put a stop to it. He'd take food out of my fridge without asking. He knows I am on a strict budget and that I have $400 a month taken out of my pay for medical expenses. In the past I talked to him about moving in to help us both out, but I have taken that option off the table because he is so irresponsible. He always seems to have money to go out drinking with his friends though.
Sometimes I am afraid to break it off because who wants a 41 year old woman with bipolar disorder? I really wonder sometimes if it's really the bipolar that I am experiencing or if it a natural reaction to being screamed at. I read these boards sometimes and feel like I have to be perfect to be acceptable. But right now I have made peace with being alone.
It sounds like the situation is different from the way you presented it in the OP. If you already have a low sex drive how can you use it as a weapon? You realize that sex is a need especially for men...you seem to have no compassion for his side. Keep in mind I can only make assumptions but honestly I think you have issues.
Why is it always assumed that ESPECIALLY for men, sex is a NEED?! Women need sex TOO...men are on medications that lower their drive TOO!
I've been involved with SEVERAL men who NEEDED sex less than I NEEDED sex. Quit trying to make women feel bad if their drive doesn't match up to their partner's - it works the other way around too. There's nothing special about men and THEIR sex drive.
Sometimes I am afraid to break it off because who wants a 41 year old woman with bipolar disorder? I really wonder sometimes if it's really the bipolar that I am experiencing or if it a natural reaction to being screamed at. I read these boards sometimes and feel like I have to be perfect to be acceptable. But right now I have made peace with being alone.
Turn it around, Swgirl! Who wants a guy who mooches off you and his 80 year old mother for food?! And a grown man who can't pay ANY of his bills on time?! You've got a lot on him so don't count yourself short.
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