Do most men need to always feel tough and dominate?

[mishigas73]

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

Where are your sources and links?

The source of anything I've ever said here on this topic has been my own personal experience, as well as discussions with others who either have or desire consensual relationships where there is an authority-exchange.

Here's the difference as I see it. I speak about my personal experience. I don't take my experiences or beliefs and try to make them into some universal, all-encompassing generalization about relationships.

Maybe think of it this way. What would your reaction be if I came on here and said, " 'egalitarian' relationships fail because there is a constant power struggle and the parties can never truly compromise"? Would your reaction be different if I said, "I've seen some 'egalitarian' relationships fall apart because of a constant power struggle"?

That's really what I mean by using the phrase "universal truth". That first statement implies that what I've said is true to all egalitarian relationships. Of course people will ask me about where I came up with this general statement, and no doubt will say that they know many people for whom that is not true.

The second statement is about my personal experience. What I have seen in my life.

Big difference.

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

[/font]I repeat my context in this certain thread with this certain subject.
In general level your relationship is not dominant if he does not dominate you, if he dominates you, then you and he has problems why you choose your roles. Dominating always includes the factor of someone has power over you, otherwise you are just fantazying of being dominated.

Yes, I would agree that in the case of my relationship, he's not dominant if he doesn't dominate.

Yes, dominating always includes the idea that someone has power or control over another person, to some extent.

What I'm not understanding though is the statement that if he dominates me, either or both of us have "problems".

This is a serious question: How does one come to the conclusion that all people choosing to be in a relationship where there is an authority exchange have "problems"?

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

[font=&quot] Dominating: To control, govern, or rule by superior authority or power Dominating - definition of dominating by The Free Dictionary

Yup, that's certainly a fair definition.

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

“Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.”
Signs of Abuse and Unhealthy Relationships – Ross-shire Women's Aid

Let me see if I have this straight. By putting this quote in here, are you implying that all relationships where there is an authority exchange are abusive?

If the parties have consented to be in such a relationship, would it still be considered abusive if the person without the authority (sometimes referred to as the "submissive") was expected to obey, or even treated like a "possession"?

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

"Ehrensasft et al. (1999) has suggested that there are four distinct areas where control and domination can be expressed in a relationship. The first area is in decision making. Often, in psychologically abusive relationships, one partner makes all the major decisions about where to vacation, what to buy, how much to spend, where to live, what church to attend, etc. Even when the other person has strong opinions, he/she is not allowed equal access to decision making. Such abused partners may present as though they really don't have strong preferences; however a little clinical scratching often reveals that whenever they do voice a preference, rejection and control are exercised by the offending partner."

National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology - Continuing Education Website

Again, unless this quote is put here under the premise that all relationships that include domination are abusive, I don't see where this is news.

Of course there are abusive relationships like this. There are relationships where dominance and control are exercised without consent of the other party. I don't know of any sane person who would argue that these are healthy relationships.

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

[font=&quot] An abuser is morbidly insecure. S/he (yes, potentially, she) has little sense of his/her own social value and makes an effort to gain or re-gain some semblance of that value through domination and control. The fear that feeds that insecurity has two fronts: fear of not being lovable, and fear of appearing weak. The paradox here is that the abuser is, in fact, weak, which is why s/he abuses -- to maintain a sense of control -- in the first place. The perceived inconsistency on the part of the abuser by the victim is that the victim is not submitting to the abuser's domination.

Once again, I will say that not all people who have the dominant role in their relationships are abusive.

I wouldn't think that this would have to be said, but I guess it does.

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

Even, though, studies tend to leave extreme result off, they are "universal truth" till someone proves them wrong or introduces equal but different results.

I don't think most scientists would even make this leap.

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

You need to prove you absolutely not belong into any categories in symptoms and anything what psychologist, former victims, studies and other sources or my personal experiences shows. Why you would not instead, just introduce your relationship and its awesomeness in practical examples of dominative moments of your reality that you have to validate by yourself to you. You cannot have my blessing to your choosed path, nor you need it.

I don't "need to prove" anything. I am simply stating, in the context of this discussion, that any implication that "dominance necessarily equals abuse" or that there is something inherently psychologically off in all persons who are involved in relationships where there is an authority exchange, is false.

For those who would actually care to know, in very general terms, this is how my relationship is structured:

After much discussion, we both decided that we wanted to engage in a relationship where I give him authority over the decision-making in our lives.

I have given him fully informed consent for this. I know him well enough to be able to trust that he will not do anything to intentionally harm me, in any way.

That he has decision-making authority does not mean that he does everything. In fact (and in practice), I am the one that is responsible for a lot of the everyday things that go on in our lives. You should have seen the list that I has to leave for him when I went away for several days. LOL

I have absolutely no doubt that he loves and cherishes me, and I feel the same way about him.

I do not, by any means, think that this type of relationship is "the right way" or "the best way". It is something that makes the two of us happy and fulfilled, and that's that.

Since you asked, here are a couple of "practical examples" of how this works specifically in our relationship:

~A friend wants to make plans with me. I tell them that I'll get back to them after I speak to my partner. He has the authority to say "yay" or "nay" to what I do socially. Practically speaking, the only time he will say "no" is if he has other plans in mind.

~He will decide where we go on vacation. Most times, he will ask for my input, but sometimes he doesn't. It's ok, that's what I have agreed to, and I like it that way.

~And outsider to our relationship might see him "ask" for a drink and me stopping what I'm doing to get it for him, or see me serve him his meal before I eat. That is a small example of how I serve him.

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

You are saying "no" to many posters but you don't show any data nor tell your personal experiences for example to show what your view is and how you are thinking it all through inside your mind. How you are dominated actually?

See above.

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

I cannot say I would be interest to know in personal level but as you are marking many posters mistakes, why not do it with teaching and sharing your knowledge and opinion well. Prove yourself, why universal truth and studies above does not fit into you, your husband and your relationship? Or is your relationship dominant in this context at all? Are you just proving your relationship is not dominant and abusive? If the shoe does not fit why you are actually critizing?

Dominance does not necessarily equal abuse.

I repeat:

Dominance does NOT necessarily equal abuse.

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

No need to do that for me either. I have my pov, I write of it and I basic my views of studies etc. which creates my "universal truth" about things. Then if someone wants to bring more data, personal or sources that I don't value, that is her or his universal truth. We all have our inner moral which tells what is valid information to us.

I think that we have a difference in our understanding of the phrase "universal truth".

To me, it means something that is true across the board, in every circumstance.

It seems to me that perhaps you view it as more equivalent to personal opinion.

Originally Posted by soUlwounD

For me to follow in my life there is still only one truth and one path.

And that truly is all you needed to say from the beginning.

[Chowhound]

Jeezsus, you two need to go get a room.

[Adi from the Brunswicks]

Originally Posted by Chowhound

Jeezsus, you two need to go get a room.

I'm sure it will end up like this 😁.

https://youtu.be/jDpVg-UEGCI

[Mikala43]

I think this thread has run it's course.