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Personally I think counseling at the start is very important and probably the most effective time for two people to get on the same page. Most people start counseling when it's too late. It sounds like the OP and his girlfriend have severe issues communicating.
My feeling from your posts is that you are both very busy, and you aren't ready to get married. Neediness is just not something either of you have time for. I figure this could go two ways.
You get married, and share your busy lives by allowing each other space to live and work without a constant hassle. I loved it when my DH and I were both busy working. When we had time together we had lots to say. It was interesting. We were not connected every waking moment.
Or, you do not get married, but go about your lives without the hassle of the other person's neediness.
It sounds like the counseling you are getting is for the benefit of your church being comfortable with marrying you? I suggest you get more professional counseling.
I know that conventional wisdom says that marriage is hard work, but I disagree. In my experience being married should not be hard work, and has not been hard work.
I know that conventional wisdom says that marriage is hard work, but I disagree. In my experience being married should not be hard work, and has not been hard work.
Marriage IS hard work. It's wonderful to be in a marriage in which the hard work just doesn't seem to be that way.
OP- trust me the few thing you shared are huge red flags. My husband was like you and would not share his feelings or emotions. Whenever a conversation got hard he would simply stop talking to me and "close the conversation." I was so alone. I wondered and questioned why I got married. I had to find other ways to be happy. I read books, went on walks, explored hobbies. I felt like my only use to him was for sex.
He never shared anything with me. We never discussed anything. He was a work-aholic.
At least we both wanted children. So 1 year into the marriage I had a baby. I finally felt like my love was reciprocated. I was happy. I had two more children. He went to work, I took care and loved my children.
We lived together, but never had a relationship. When the children started getting older and busier, our old problems from the beginning resurfaced.
We went to counseling. We read many books. We read the 5 love languages. He doesn't have one. All he cares about is sex and going to work.
So we are divorced now. And my children have no relationship with him because he doesn't know how to have one.
* If you can't learn to communicate and give to your fiance- let her find someone who will. Let her find someone who wants kids. Don't ruin her life.
If you can't learn to communicate and give to your fiance- let her find someone who will. Let her find someone who wants kids. Don't ruin her life.
I agree with most of your post. Unfortunately for both of them it is likely that the next guy she meets and the next woman he meets will be more like the ones they avoided first time around than not. Organized religion has a lot to answer for.
Personally I think counseling at the start is very important and probably the most effective time for two people to get on the same page. Most people start counseling when it's too late. It sounds like the OP and his girlfriend have severe issues communicating.
Dump the pastor and get a real counselor.
Maybe a distinction should be made between pre-marital 'coaching', and "marriage counseling". The first may not be a bad idea, but, IMO should not really be necessary. The second, almost always is a waste of time and money. When a couple winds up in marriage counseling they are merely delaying the inevitable. Nor do I agree that 'real' coaches or counselors do a better job than friends, family or mobile apps.
Personally I think counseling at the start is very important and probably the most effective time for two people to get on the same page. Most people start counseling when it's too late. It sounds like the OP and his girlfriend have severe issues communicating.
Dump the pastor and get a real counselor.
1. A deacon is not a pastor.
2. Many church employees, particularly those who work with families, do have counseling credentials. My master's in counseling psych is from a Catholic university and many degree candidates are employed by churches. It is very helpful for people who seek careers in spiritual mentoring to have a background and certification in counseling and therapy.
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