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Op, do not listen to the "Why should you need counseling BEFORE you are married? " people. Taking the initiative to identify and prevent potential marital issues, and talk out areas of concern prior to tying the knot is laudable. Some people do it on their own, some seek the assistance of a counselor to do so, some never bother.
Also, don't forget that if you have an impending wedding, but feel reservations about whether the relationship is ready, you CAN postpone. It's poor form to wait till the last minute, but this isn't last minute, yet.
I know that conventional wisdom says that marriage is hard work, but I disagree. In my experience being married should not be hard work, and has not been hard work.
It's definitely not a slog, but any relationship requires effort, the effort of considering another person. For some, that's harder work than others.
I agree that if "hard work" = "difficult struggle, " the relationship is probably not the greatest. But, yeah, building a strong relationship taks effort. You can't put no effort into a relationship and expect it to flourish. Somebody has to put in work.
She just comes across as overly dramatic in every single post here. People fight, but exploding over things that are simple facts? Two people, who both have part time employment, planning to live with in-laws should not have children. Raising children is hard and expensive under ordinary circumstances, but not when you have a mountain of debt and part-time employment. Once you guys get your shtttt together, then you can revisit the family thing.... but throwing an explosive fit over that? Or being accusatory over someone trying to be rational? Sounds like she is a narcissist who is used to getting her own way to me.
Also, as far as relationship books, I think "Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix is useful. I read it prior to being in a relationship and think it helped me to be able to be a better partner because it helped me to understand how our childhood affects a lot of stuff and unconscious power struggles.
So meeting with the Deacon in a week, he has his MSW so hopefully this will be helpful.
It's stressing me out been eating and sleeping more. Feeling sick a lot headaches and stomach pain.
Like her to consider the honeymoon. I mentioned several times we can save $2,000 grand up by May, but use money given as gifts for the wedding towards are debt. Still won't agree on 7 days wanting 10 to 14 days of a honeymoon somewhere romantic.
I am not a talker I have little t talk about ha. It's just how I am. I might say jokes from time to time. Or ask how your day goes, but not a big talker.
Personally I think counseling at the start is very important and probably the most effective time for two people to get on the same page. Most people start counseling when it's too late. It sounds like the OP and his girlfriend have severe issues communicating.
You don't go ahead with a wedding just because it's booked. Do not be railroaded into it.
If a friend told you about the level of conflict and number of disagreements he was having with his fiancee over major life decisions, what would you say to him?
First, I am happy to read you are seeking some counseling. Based on your previous threads, this relationship is a train headed straight off the tracks.
Although the pastor may have an MSW and be a retired counselor, that does not mean he knows anything about couples counseling or therapy. Ask him what his background is in couples therapy specifically. It's a bit of an art and a science to be a really, really good therapist. I'd rather have a specialist rather than a generalist.
Finally, you do know that the decision to postpone the wedding does not exclusively belong to her correct? It's pretty easy for you to change that date all on your own.
Finally, the entire argument about when you will have children is a another HUGE red flag. Couples will disagree about 70% of the time. There are conflicts that will never be solved. The timing of children isn't one that should be unsolvable.
I think we can do two options. I think we can shift the wedding event. If we loose our deposit I be willing to pay for it or pay the MIL back the $3,000. I think the DJ and everything else can easily change the date.
That's not her sole decision to make. Postponing the wedding may be a bit of an embarrassment for her... but it's going to be a lot less painful than a divorce, stemming from not working through these issues ahead of time.
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