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In other words you're coming up with a lie. Just kidding of course!
I started having lightbulb moments at the end of my marriage when my addict husband would answer my questions with: "okay, so... what was that now?" and I know it was to give himself time to MAKE up an answer.
When I heard my new friend say that last night, it was like the psycho shower scene sound effects, I'm thinking "'oh no....please let's not...."
You have to be careful that you don't let the justifiable lack of trust with a former person color how you see future people.
Many times, people who have different thinking/speaking patterns and habits, need that moment because our brains were, just now, running about 3 or 4 trains of thought more or less simultaneously, and we need to focus in order to put an answer together that won't come out as gibberish. Or something like that. If I was just contemplating some line of philosophy and my boyfriend asks me a question, I need to come back into the present to give an answer.
And much to my ex's chagrin, I am not a very black & white thinker (hence, walls of text everywhere) so giving a "simple answer to a simple question" as he often wanted me to, was impossible. Everything was, "it depends..." To him, because he IS a more black & white thinker, my ways are almost tricksy and deceptive, and he sometimes projects bad motives upon me because of it...but he has been just as guilty of lying in his life as I have. He just claims to be honest and not a liar, even though he is, where I tend to think most people lie at least sometimes. He feels a need to be righteous about it; I don't.
I don't like to oversimplify things. Some folks don't like when stuff is complex. That's ok, but I'm not compatible with them.
You have to be careful that you don't let the justifiable lack of trust with a former person color how you see future people.
That's exactly what I do. What I did.
It seems like other people are punished for me putting up with crap for 20 years, and becoming expert in the ways of one who deceives, so that now the minute I get that hair raised feeling I'm like: "No! Not dealing with sht again!". Like a form of ptsd.
That's exactly what I do. What I did.
It seems like other people are punished for me putting up with crap for 20 years, and becoming expert in the ways of one who deceives, so that now the minute I get that hair raised feeling I'm like: "No! Not dealing with sht again!". Like a form of ptsd.
I am very sorry that you're dealing with that.
I have a friend who would say that you probably have a form of PTSD, but I think that she overuses the term...despite certainly having many lingering issues from my marriage, I don't class myself in the same category as soldiers visited by unwelcome memories of the horrors of war, for instance, or survivors of other forms of extreme trauma. Struggling with this stuff, well, it's not great, but it's not THAT awful (for me.)
I do think we need to trust our instincts. I tend to trust my gut a lot, I feel I have a certain "spidey sense" for when people, face-to-face, are lying to me. I don't think this is anything mystical, I figure I'm just pretty good at noticing nonverbal cues and picking up on what is carefully not being said.
But it also makes me check myself sometimes... Get this. I have noticed, that for me, if I find myself starting to explain something using the word, "Honestly, ..." there is a good chance I'm either lying, or trying to convince myself of something I'm not 100% solid & certain of. It's not absolute, but it's a thing. I recognized this a while back, and every time I feel compelled to use that now, I pause and think about what I was about to say, and consider whether I truly believe it to be the case.
I can see people putting up walls and or being "PTSD" in regards to the heart. I've only really been what I think was truly heartbroken once. That happened when I was pretty young and that one time caused me to put up some walls to some degree that still sorta affect me on some level. The rest of the true "relationships" I had didn't really get to me that bad because I wasn't way head over heels so to speak.
I've also been in a LTR for a long long time now. I can see someone that is 40-ish or maybe a tad younger having "baggage" in that area because that's what it really is at the end of the day. Not an insult just sorta viewing it in the big picture, I mean we all have some level of it to some varying degree. You can see that here online on CD.
You see some person, man or woman post some really outlandish or sorta irrational and sometime mean spirited posts and to me it just screams "someone hurt me really bad" and for that sometimes I can look over the idiocy that a person like that posts because you know where it's coming from. This is when it's true, not just trolls trying to rile people up. Due to my infraction history I rarely if ever engage trolls anymore and frankly I'd say a HUGE amount of the threads you read here are BS trolls. But I digress, in other words we all have "PTSD" on some level and we tend to use that term loosely because as was mentioned the horrors of war surely are much greater but it's a nice quick easy way of getting to the point of how someone may feel.
Sorry for the somewhat grammatically incorrect use of paragraphing I was just trying to make it a bit easier to read.
Last edited by Chowhound; 03-15-2018 at 11:40 AM..
But I digress, in other words we all have "PTSD" on some level and we tend to use that term loosely because as was mentioned the horrors of war surely are much greater but it's a nice quick easy way of getting to the point of how someone may feel.
.
But doesn't it really amount to 'broad brushing' an entire sex based on one's experience with one (or maybe a couple of them)?
Sometimes quite isolated things pull the trigger..."Oh god, he leaves the toilet sat up! He has no consideration!!"
OK,I admit that was a weak analogy but I think you know what I mean
But doesn't it really amount to 'broad brushing' an entire sex based on one's experience with one (or maybe a couple of them)?
Sometimes quite isolated things pull the trigger..."Oh god, he leaves the toilet sat up! He has no consideration!!"
OK,I admit that was a weak analogy but I think you know what I mean
I think we all have to be careful to try and see when we are projecting, and also to make it clear that we are only speaking from our own perspectives, and not to act like our own experiences are the rule and that everything applies to everyone always.
I also think that better communication can help with a lot of this, and that too often the dating game among most folks is one where people assume that mind reading, rather than talking about things, is the way to go. Or like, asking strangers, "What did this mean?" instead of asking the person who said or did the thing in question. He could tell you what it meant, but you're not gonna ask because you seem to want to act like you magically know all the things. That's kind of silly. And many people of any gender do such things.
Sometimes, as I do in here, I'll take my best guess what I think is going on...and when I do, I'm always fully prepared to be told, "No, that isn't it." I'm well aware I am not in anyone else's life or mind, I can try to share a possible interpretation, but that's all it is.
In other news, I got brave and put some photos of myself into my profile here. I don't know why, but it felt oddly risky to do, so I held off...got to thinking about it yesterday, and there are pictures of me on other social sites I'm part of...why not share a few here? *shrug*
But doesn't it really amount to 'broad brushing' an entire sex based on one's experience with one (or maybe a couple of them)?
Sometimes quite isolated things pull the trigger..."Oh god, he leaves the toilet sat up! He has no consideration!!"
OK,I admit that was a weak analogy but I think you know what I mean
Well yeah, leaving the toilet seat up isn't comparable to making meth in the garage or saying you're 4 hours away all week when your 10 miles down the road or suspected in a murder bc the body was in your friends trunk. I rarely relive horrible times. Slow spiral down from being a successful husband and father. A lot of experiences come awfully close to being trauma, if not indeed traumatic, even if there was no actual war involved.
But I too digress, it was just a fleeting sickening feeling when I heard the words, "so ok, what was that now?"...keeping my mouth closed and staying occupied have helped me move on from the deja Vu.
Well yeah, leaving the toilet seat up isn't comparable to making meth in the garage or saying you're 4 hours away all week when your 10 miles down the road or suspected in a murder bc the body was in your friends trunk. I rarely relive horrible times. Slow spiral down from being a successful husband and father. A lot of experiences come awfully close to being trauma, if not indeed traumatic, even if there was no actual war involved.
But I too digress, it was just a fleeting sickening feeling when I heard the words, "so ok, what was that now?"...keeping my mouth closed and staying occupied have helped me move on from the deja Vu.
Wow...that's...that's some serious sht there. I don't have a better term for it. I was thinking of more common things like a man who cheated on a partner...THAT kind of lying. Carrying THAT forward and projecting it, and perhaps PTSD being too strong a word for it compared to, like, war.
You probably have legit PTSD though, or at least if that's part of your life history, you have every reason to.
Let me rephrase my thoughts on the PTSD thing. I think perhaps it's something that can be on a scale, with war probably being high or highest. I think that similar mental and physical reactions can ocurr with traumatic experiences. I had a workplace accident several years and if a couple of things were different I may have been killed or severely injured. I sometimes dream about it and sometimes I'll think about it while awake and I practically physically shudder. I guess that could be some lower level of PTSD. I think we are all just more accustomed to hearing it in war terms. Of course this is just my opinion and not backed by facts.
Wow...that's...that's some serious sht there. I don't have a better term for it. I was thinking of more common things like a man who cheated on a partner...THAT kind of lying. Carrying THAT forward and projecting it, and perhaps PTSD being too strong a word for it compared to, like, war.
You probably have legit PTSD though, or at least if that's part of your life history, you have every reason to.
Yeah, it's ptsd. It's why I didn't date for 8 or so years after. I didn't know how to act. I wasn't even going for the shock value, I don't talk about it, when I do it's a surprising conversational tone.
Divorced finalized on my 40th birthday, and got myself a very loyal over-protective dog. Ex didnt show up for the proceedings, or to see his child, but lived in the woods and watched me, bc I got the house. (And surely I must have a new man, why else would I want him out?) Only to have her shot in the head. The dog. We moved far away.
So when I'm brave enough to say I'd really like a dog, 10 years later, and be told "no"...it's kinda driving a wedge as well.
I may be fit for only 'singledom'.
Last edited by RbccL; 03-15-2018 at 08:46 PM..
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