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I can't tell you how many times I've seen this. I'm not sure what causes it. Disillusionment would be my guess. I've known more than one gung ho SAHM who home schooled and then decided she was done with all that long before the kids were grown. Maybe they thought it would be more exciting...that the world would cheer them for what they did...I don't know. I just know this isn't uncommon.
You know, it's not just "gung ho" homeschooling parents who can feel burned out. Most parents don't homeschool (I didn't). But how the OP's wife might be feeling is very common among stay-at-home parents.
I'm defending men,if I inadvertently judge these women too harshly well that's the causality.
I've given birth to two fantastic, loving, responsible young men whom I adore and who likely will make wonderful husbands and fathers one day, if they so choose. I'm sure other women on this thread have, too. Blaming men is not our intent, and though I haven't read the entire thread, I don't think anyone has specifically blamed the OP or men. So, your valiant defense is unnecessary.
My ex could have written something similar. He wouldn't tell you how he belittled the work that I did at home, or how he withheld income from me, giving me an allowance every month (claiming the money was his, because he earned it), or how he regularly threatened to sleep with other women, or how he thought all my mom friends were man-hating feminists. He would leave out all kinds of things, and instead tell you that he was a great supportive husband, and that like this OP's wife, I had just done a 180 and become a cranky, moody person who didn't like him anymore.
Right.
Am I saying that the OP is doing this, or that all men are like this? No. But he might not be telling both sides of the story.
It's not a luxury most SAHMs "cave into" either. They have too much to do and not enough time to do it. If they don't do it, the household collapses. It's rather interesting, though, that you're not a mother, you've never been a SAHM, but you feel perfectly qualified to harshly judge SAHMs because you've babysat.
I'd like to make clear that *I* am not blaming the OP. I'm sure he's stressed and exhausted, too. Unfortunately, modern Western couples with young children often have too much to deal with, and little external help. But, generally speaking, I can empathize with stay-at-home parents who feel the way I suspect the OP's wife feels/has felt.
Ditto. My lowest of lows was as a SAHM of 3 very young children, homeschooling the oldest with autism (what was I thinking???), no family, only one real friend (who was in the same boat I was), a husband working long hours wiping everyone else sniveling, dysfunctional butts (ie. pastor). I get that there are much worse lots in life, but in the moment it was so incredibly lonely and isolating; I was a mess during that time, suicidal, feeling like a shell of a person. Ironically, I now babysit my neighbor's kids a few days/week during the summer and put them on the bus during the school year, and it's just nothing like it was before; maybe it's because they play together with my kids, or the inherent emotional detachment... but it's just a whole different dynamic.
Last edited by Ginge McFantaPants; 06-26-2016 at 04:23 PM..
don't think he has mother issues,no one cares if the man is burnt out,in the other reddit poster I'm reading he does everything,all the dishes,cleaning,trash,groceries in addition to his job and all he is told is to do is diet with her,to do this and that for her,that she's depressed exactly like on here,is their truly no point in which anyone has to accept personal responsibility for anything?
You know in traditional tribal societies women do about forty billion times what western modern mothers do yet almost no cases of clinical depression in those societies.
The OP started this thread to discuss a problem he is experiencing in his relationship. It is not about a thread started by someone else on Reddit.
How long has she been a stay at home mom? Maybe she is burnt out? I have stayed home with my three kids for almost 10 years and it can be isolating and stressful a lot of the time. There wasn't much to do but clean, go shopping, and deal with the kids. My kids are pretty good but they are very active kids. I tried the homeschooling "for a minute" but it was too much for me. I don't have the patience. Taking care of kids, homeschooling, cleaning the house and working a part-time job is HARDER than you think. I had twins and then a surprise baby 5 years laterr and it was much harder that my full-time job working in the hospital 40-50 hours a week PLUS Call. I thought staying at home was going to be a piece of cake. I was wrong! Now that my kids are 9 and 4, I am trying to get a job to get some mental stimulation and a break! For me, the hard part was the feeling of never having control over your own life. You feel like your life is surrounded and controlled by everyone's schedule but your own. A lot of times I felt like I was losing myself. I know fathers feel this way too but there are certain expectations with being a mother. My husband can sit on the toilet or take shower for almost an hour (he really does) and no one bothers him. I can't even be in the bathroom for 1- 2 minutes before the kids are clawing at the door. UGH! I hear "mom.....mmmmmy"sometimes every 2-3 minutes. The fighting/ screaming between the my 9 year son and my 4 year old daughter can almost be constant. I love my kids but good grief! Day after day it can wear you out. Maybe now that the kids are becoming a little more independent, she is finally getting out and feeling like she is having "a life". Like I said it could be burn out. I don't know.
Having a small group of "good" friends is very important for many women. She may need a little bit of "girl time" within limits. Allow her that time. If her friends are really a bad influence, talk to her. If they are just "shallow" just roll your eyes and let it go. Let her know that she can have almost all the things she wants but there limits and responsibilities that must be considered. Try telling her this without making her defensive and let her know that you miss the time you guys spent together as a couple and as a family. Maybe encourage your daughter to let her mom know that she misses that quality time too. Try more encouragement and and less criticism. Too much criticism never works.
Have you changed in any way since working you way up? This is not to be mean or rude. Just something to think about. Are you spending less time at home? Are you more tired? She could be acting this way in reaction to what's happening at your job good or bad. She may be lonely or depressed. Maybe the friends are giving her the attentions she needs or wants. She could also be overwhelmed with the big house, new cars, etc. It's more to keep up with. When we moved into our bigger house, I was really overwhelmed with keeping it cleaned. It was a lot more work. When you get overwhelmed you can feel defeated.
Last but not least, if she doesn't want to go to marriage counseling start going for yourself and your kids. If she is really neglecting her family, you and the kids might need some support. Keep being a good dad to your kids. She might see you going and decide to join in at a later time. If she doesn't, counseling might help you make any decisions you might have to.
I hope I was able to offer some support without offending you. Marriage can be hard, especially when things and people change. I hope things do get better for you and your family. Sending you positive vibes.
Sorry for any typos or mistakes. I am terrible at typing. And sorry this is so long.
I didn't babysit them their mother went overseas for a month and I took full care of two teenage boys.
I decided shortly after never to have children,if you decide to have children then you must take care of them regardless of the taxing weight they put on you,something the ops wife is not interested in doing anymore.
I understand she is more than wife and mother,but perhaps that is something she can explain to her kid who is asking where she is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newdixiegirl
It's not a luxury most mothers "cave into" either. They have too much to do and not enough time to do it. If they don't do it, the household collapses. It's rather interesting, though, that you're not a mother, you've never been a SAHM or a working parent, but you feel perfectly qualified to harshly judge mothers because you've babysat.
I'd like to make clear that *I* am not blaming the OP. I'm sure he's stressed and exhausted, too. Unfortunately, modern Western couples with young children often have too much to deal with, and little external help. But, generally speaking, I can empathize with stay-at-home parents who feel the way I suspect the OP's wife feels/has felt.
It's relevant to your soap box issue; it isn't at all relevant to the OP and the problem he is currently experiencing. Did you have any comments or advice which are actually about this thread? If so, perhaps the OP would like to hear them. If your only comments are regarding a particular thread on Reddit, or your self-appointed role as a defender of men, there are better places to discuss those things.
I've given birth to two fantastic, loving, responsible young men whom I adore and who likely will make wonderful husbands and fathers one day, if they so choose. I'm sure other women on this thread have, too. Blaming men is not our intent, and though I haven't read the entire thread, I don't think anyone has specifically blamed the OP or men. So, your valiant defense is unnecessary.
i am not blaming the guy alone, the wife has some responsibility in this as well. however the man in this case does have some responsibility mostly because he is the one excelling in life, where as his wife is stuck at home. an i wonder if the wife decided to become a SAHM on her own, or did the husband push it on her the best way to go? was she fully aware of what it meant to home school children? were these people seeing pie in the sky here, or did reality actually enter the picture?
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For me, the hard part was the feeling of never having control over your own life. You feel like your life is surrounded and controlled by everyone's schedule but your own. A lot of times I felt like I was losing myself. I know fathers feel this way too but there are certain expectations with being a mother. My husband can sit on the toilet or take shower for almost an hour (he really does) and no one bothers him. I can't even be in the bathroom for 1- 2 minutes before the kids are clawing at the door. UGH! I hear "mom.....mmmmmy"sometimes every 2-3 minutes. The fighting/ screaming between the my 9 year son and my 4 year old daughter can almost be constant. I love my kids but good grief! Day after day it can wear you out. Maybe now that the kids are becoming a little more independent, she is finally getting out and feeling like she is having "a life". Like I said it could be burn out. I don't know. 
