Article about the secrets to having a marriage last more than 50 years (girlfriend, how to)
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There are no secrets. There are no universal rules.
Individuals are unique. Every individual pairing is unique.
There are an endless number of ways to make a relationship work. Even with a given couple and the traits of the two individuals, there are myriad ways to craft a relationship. Finding those mutually-acceptable ways are what people need to do, not consult some laundry list of bullet-points, as though one is assembling a bookshelf from Ikea.
Ultimately, the marital partners must have an understanding, that the marriage itself is something special; that it's a good in itself; that that good deserves tenacious care and feeding. If we view marriage, or for that matter any relationship, as a transient convenience that's worthwhile only so long as mutual satisfaction remains vibrant, then we'll have an impossible and unrealistic standard.
Q: How do two 80+ year-old people who have been married for 55-60 years keep intimacy in their relationship?
A: stay married for 55-60 years and you will find out.
Start with marrying for the right reasons. I have a friend who married her now ex-husband because he was supposedly awesome in bed. Once the shine wore off, plus a couple of kids, it turns out he was a lazy good for nothing who accused her of having affairs (unfounded), and refused to work full time while she's working insane hours to keep everything afloat and keep them out of bankruptcy. She held on for faaaar too long, honestly. The best thing she did was divorce that little sh*t. Another friend married a long-distance girlfriend, and is now stuck for religious and moral reasons - with which he's trapped himself with his inflexibility - in a miserable marriage.
Right reasons include (not necessarily in order):
- treating marriage as a covenant or a vocation, instead of a changeable status of the moment
- trust
- respect
- love (this has no single definition)
- friendship (you should be marrying your best friend!)
- clear-sightedness (in other words, seeing the reality, not a situation that you're wishing would be)
- financial compatibility (#1 reason for marital troubles)
- goals, both individual and as a couple
- a willingness to pull in tandem (be on the same page, work toward common goals, work together, encourage the other when the goal in question is an individual one)
- realistic expectations
- on the same page when it comes to children and the raising of them
- ability to forgive
- ability to allow the other to be an individual - IOW, you don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7
Things NOT to do
- cheat, either physically or emotionally. Sort of defeats the purpose of marriage, right? Besides, cheating destroys trust, and once broken will never be the same.
And on and on... the list can differ, but all lists about this topic share several components. You notice that I didn't list sex - yes, it's important - important enough that in my eyes sexual compatibility in married life is a given and is presumed to be important! However, I think as a society we put too much importance on it within marriage to the exclusion of other, equally important aspects as listed above.
My parents were married for almost 50 years when my mother died. Yes, they had their issues, including (I think) sort of not knowing each other after all seven of the kids were out of the house... it was like they'd lost some sort of personal connection after thirty-some-odd years of raising us kids, or later having adult kids in various transitional situations in and out of the house. There were other issues between them, too, but they're not for this thread. They still loved each other, but they had lost that "thing," that sparkle. However, neither ever dreamed of leaving the other. Dad never got over losing Mom; there's no doubt he loved her.
I'm an advocate of longer engagements. Take the time to really get to know the potential partner, and get to know the families. Meddlesome families are the worst!
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