Confused about boyfriend (date, wife, girlfriend, how to)
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Hi, I need advice. It could be sensitive to some people so if you feel like you can't talk about certain things I say maybe not reading the post is the best.
I will keep things pretty short but if more details are important I will provide them.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. He was a friend of mine for about a year before that, not very close. We ended up making love and I had to get an abortion. After that, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He is 37 and I'm 25. He's working hard on his Doctorate and I'm working on my Bachelors.
I was very emotionally hurt after the abortion and he supported me a lot but emotionally he thought it was a time to go on huge speeches on Buddhism and enlightenment and while I agree and appreciate it, he had no emotional connection to the situation and still doesn't. He said he feels bad about it, but men are like that maybe?
AnywAy, I caught some texts on his phone a few months into the relationship with a 40 year old psychology student at his school. He was texting her his whole schedule every day and asking if they should meet at his house or her house or school. I found these texts (yes I looked through his phone. Only time I've ever done that to anyone) and found those. He was saying he's not having sex with her, she's Italian and I found a piece of paper in the nightstand with Italian lessons on it. He's insisting that he was seeing her just to help her with a school study, but it doesn't make sense to me or anyone. I've never even had the chance to talk to her. After I caught him, he was crying and saying he loves me and that he was going to take me to her house to meet her. Wtf? I don't think they're just friends.
I cheated on him because he left me alone at a bar one night with his friends after acting like a total ass the whole night, storming off, saying we aren't paying enough attention to him. I was drunk and I regret it a lot, because obviously I care about him a lot if I stay with him after what I found.
I broke up with him after he was emotionally abusing me for a while because of that, and I figured well neither of us want to have sex with only each other now so what's the point. Anyway, he came back to me in a dramatic fashion, I took him back on the condition that we forgive each other.
I went to his home country with him this summer and he treated me like **** the entire time. Always on his phone, silent treatments, when we go out all he would do is complain, he was yelling and flipping off some guy while driving and screaming. The sex absolutely dwindled, he hasn't Mod cut. in 2 months and if he touches me he just sleeps my butt or grabs my boobs like I'm some porn star. When we have sex he won't look at me and he doesn't say or do anything. We haven't made out in months.
Every day almost he reminds me of what I've done, but if I bring up his little friend he gets angry and says I don't know what I'm talking about. It's just not fair, I don't ask him to do everything he does for me. I didn't beg for him to come back. I drive him and his friends everywhere and clean his house for him. He says I never do anything for him. Lately he's more appreciative and that's nice but to me it's Mod cut. how he can be contradicting of the things he likes and the things he does! He tells me not to do things that he does. For example he talked to the guy I slept with and I haven't had any chance to talk to the woman and he has presented me no chance to get the truth. I don't use Facebook so I don't know how to find her.
I know it sounds awful but I care about him a lot. He is very special to me and he makes me feel good most of the time. I am just very confused and need some advice from people who aren't involved. Thank you
Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-27-2016 at 11:01 AM..
Reason: Not PG-13; inappropriate language.
You're in a toxic relationship. My bet is that he doesn't respect you because of the huge age difference, and you don't have a college degree, while he's working on a PhD. He doesn't see you as a peer, because you're so young. It also sounds like there may be cultural factors at work. But he's also having an affair with a student. He's in a position to have his pick of students, if he wants (even though the university probably has a policy against that). It will get worse once he gets his PhD; he'll feel high and mighty, while relatively speaking, even with a BA, you'll be a nobody.
Get out now. This will continue to go downhill fast, even if he makes attempts now and then to give you positive feedback. Do you know why gambling is so addicting? Because it mixes positive reinforcement in along with the losses. And there's always hope for that big win, even when incurring huge losses. It's deliberately calculated to play on known psychological factors.
That is why you're not able to see your situation objectively, and pull away. You're hooked (and blinded by) those shreds of positive feedback, the good times, overlooking huge red flags like the affair he's pursuing, the emotional abusiveness when you travelled together, etc.
There are guys out there who will treat you well all the time, not just sporadically as they pursue other love interests behind your back. You're missing out on having a rewarding life with them as long as you hang onto this arrogant jerk. Who, btw, is poised to become insufferable once he gets his doctorate.
Yes, well it's funny how you hit the nail right on the head. He's extremely egotistical, one night I was drunk with a friend of ours and him and he did something funny and man, I was rolling on the floor, and he was extremely mad at us. I agree that this relationship is going nowhere, he's leading me on completely. It's not for sex because he doesn't seem interested in that anymore. I'm pretty and have a lot of benefits to him so that's probably why- that no other woman is going to go out on a limb like I do for him.
We literally just got back from seeing our friends, and he's having deep philosophical discussions with the wife of our friend, and we return and he's telling me about how he splashed some pee in his face by accident. Exactly what you're saying, he is ridiculous and I'm so exhausted.
You are BOTH too old to be acting like high school idiots. Cut him out of your life completely and don't date anyone until you finish your degree and get your life and emotional state in order. See if your school offers free counseling for students and if so, take advantage of it.
Everyone here said exactly what I was going to say. Won't beat a dead horse.
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