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I'm almost 30 and male. I'm a professional. I've dated a lot in the past, but I've always had confidence issues that prevented me from taking things to the next step. I missed out on some great girls in college, then went through a period of time in grad school when I didn't really meet anyone. Finally, I was in an isolated location in the military. I was very depressed and it was a dark time for me. Suicide seemed like a very good option more days than not. I spent a great deal of time alone, developed a substance abuse problem (prescription sleeping medication), and was just generally very paranoid and distrustful.
During that dark period, I met someone. We got to know each other, went out on a few dates, and she seemed interested. I took things out of context and broke it off.
I got out of the military and all of my issues resolved. I secured a good job that would have put me in a great place to meet women. Unfortunately, my commander gave me a bad reference, which caused me to lose said job (long story).
Anyway, this happened at the beginning of this year and I'm just now getting settled at a different job in a new city (one of the biggest metro areas in the US).
Tonight, I got a kick in the nuts with the announcement of this woman's engagement to another man. The rational side of me says that this is a good thing and that I was in no position to be dating at the time that we met.
The emotional side is beating myself up for not trying harder when I had the chance.
Either way, I'm really feeling down. All of my friends are married or getting married. I don't have any social support for the first time in my life in this new city.
I'm reflecting on great women that I missed out on when I was younger and more naive. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.
And it's so damn difficult to meet women these days. How does one even go about doing this? I can't do online dating because I don't match up to the standards. I'm looking into Meetup groups, but there doesn't seem to be many women that go to these things.
I'm almost 30 and male. I'm a professional. I've dated a lot in the past, but I've always had confidence issues that prevented me from taking things to the next step. I missed out on some great girls in college, then went through a period of time in grad school when I didn't really meet anyone. Finally, I was in an isolated location in the military. I was very depressed and it was a dark time for me. Suicide seemed like a very good option more days than not. I spent a great deal of time alone, developed a substance abuse problem (prescription sleeping medication), and was just generally very paranoid and distrustful.
During that dark period, I met someone. We got to know each other, went out on a few dates, and she seemed interested. I took things out of context and broke it off.
I got out of the military and all of my issues resolved. I secured a good job that would have put me in a great place to meet women. Unfortunately, my commander gave me a bad reference, which caused me to lose said job (long story).
Anyway, this happened at the beginning of this year and I'm just now getting settled at a different job in a new city (one of the biggest metro areas in the US).
Tonight, I got a kick in the nuts with the announcement of this woman's engagement to another man. The rational side of me says that this is a good thing and that I was in no position to be dating at the time that we met.
The emotional side is beating myself up for not trying harder when I had the chance.
Either way, I'm really feeling down. All of my friends are married or getting married. I don't have any social support for the first time in my life in this new city.
I'm reflecting on great women that I missed out on when I was younger and more naive. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.
And it's so damn difficult to meet women these days. How does one even go about doing this? I can't do online dating because I don't match up to the standards. I'm looking into Meetup groups, but there doesn't seem to be many women that go to these things.
Did I miss out?
The past is the past. Whatever happened then, does not matter now. Only now and what you do in the future does.
I always feel like I missed out in my mid to late 20's, after a 5+ year long relationship. I didn't even date anyone for over 3 years after this. Had one date in that time.
You're only 30, you're a young man still. If you've now moved to a large metro area, you'll have more opportunities. You should be able to meet all kinds of new people that way. You can't change the past, you have no control over that anymore. You do have some control over the present and future though.
Just curious as to what you mean by Not ''Matching up to the standards'' of online dating? While I was not big into online dating, I think there's all kinds of people on there. So I don't really think there's a particularly set of standards, aside from personal standards from user to user.
I'm almost 30 and male. I'm a professional. I've dated a lot in the past, but I've always had confidence issues that prevented me from taking things to the next step. I missed out on some great girls in college, then went through a period of time in grad school when I didn't really meet anyone. Finally, I was in an isolated location in the military. I was very depressed and it was a dark time for me. Suicide seemed like a very good option more days than not. I spent a great deal of time alone, developed a substance abuse problem (prescription sleeping medication), and was just generally very paranoid and distrustful.
During that dark period, I met someone. We got to know each other, went out on a few dates, and she seemed interested. I took things out of context and broke it off.
I got out of the military and all of my issues resolved. I secured a good job that would have put me in a great place to meet women. Unfortunately, my commander gave me a bad reference, which caused me to lose said job (long story).
Anyway, this happened at the beginning of this year and I'm just now getting settled at a different job in a new city (one of the biggest metro areas in the US).
Tonight, I got a kick in the nuts with the announcement of this woman's engagement to another man. The rational side of me says that this is a good thing and that I was in no position to be dating at the time that we met.
The emotional side is beating myself up for not trying harder when I had the chance.
Either way, I'm really feeling down. All of my friends are married or getting married. I don't have any social support for the first time in my life in this new city.
I'm reflecting on great women that I missed out on when I was younger and more naive. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.
And it's so damn difficult to meet women these days. How does one even go about doing this? I can't do online dating because I don't match up to the standards.
Which are?
Quote:
I'm looking into Meetup groups, but there doesn't seem to be many women that go to these things.
What are the groups you signed up for? Is it possible these groups/interests simply don't attract the kind of women you're interested in?
Quote:
Did I miss out?
I mean, she's engaged to someone else, and you called things off during a period of time you were going through a lot. I know the common advice is to focus on moving forward, but I realize it's easier said than done. It takes time. You're struggling and hurting. It's not uncommon to experience twinges of sadness and regret when you come across a missed opportunity, or relationship that could have progressed, but didn't. It's normal, and it can take time to recover.
"I've dated a lot in the past, but I've always had confidence issues that prevented me from taking things to the next step. "
Well, I tended to shy away from women that wanted more than sex. Looking back, I never really put effort into women that I considered girlfriend material because it scared me and I didn't think I'd match up to their expectations.
So I just settled for girls from bars and casual hookups.
Quote:
"... she seemed interested. I took things out of context and broke it off."
What do you mean by that?
She rejected me when I tried to move things forward. Despite this, she still showed a lot of interest. She even asked me out, but I was in an emotionally fragile mental state and was butthurt by the rejection. So I rejected her and just cut it off.
Very stupid, but I was hanging on by a thread at that point (based on things that I mentioned earlier).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Runninglikethieves
The past is the past. Whatever happened then, does not matter now. Only now and what you do in the future does.
I know. I'm just feeling defeated now. I'd like marriage and a family, but it feels hopelessly impossible.
Quote:
I always feel like I missed out in my mid to late 20's, after a 5+ year long relationship. I didn't even date anyone for over 3 years after this. Had one date in that time.
I don't feel like I missed out on my 20s. I honestly feel like I partied too much and was too irresponsible with women and now it's biting me in the ass. All of my friends are married and I have no options.
Quote:
You're only 30, you're a young man still. If you've now moved to a large metro area, you'll have more opportunities. You should be able to meet all kinds of new people that way. You can't change the past, you have no control over that anymore. You do have some control over the present and future though.
How and where do I meet people? I guess I could go to the bars. But I've lived that life already and it's not a great place for meeting a long term partner.
Mod cut.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 09-06-2016 at 12:01 PM..
Reason: Please leave height out of the discussion.
Height standards. Again, don't want to make this thread about this.
Quote:
What are the groups you signed up for? Is it possible these groups/interests simply don't attract the kind of women you're interested in?
Pretty much anything that I know women like: hiking, yoga, etc. I'm not crazy about these kinds of things, but I don't dislike them.
Quote:
I mean, she's engaged to someone else, and you called things off during a period of time you were going through a lot. I know the common advice is to focus on moving forward, but I realize it's easier said than done. It takes time. You're struggling and hurting. It's not uncommon to experience twinges of sadness and regret when you come across a missed opportunity, or relationship that could have progressed, but didn't. It's normal, and it can take time to recover.
Do you have anyone else to talk to?
Yeah, I've been talking to my mother (lol). She's in a different time zone and she's sleeping now though.
And, yes, this is really the first time where I regret not pursuing something with a woman. I guess that's a good signal that I'm finally ready to settle down. But I have no idea how to go about doing this.
Do women like to be courted anymore? What I've done in the past (being as physical as possible as early as possible) has not typically led to anything serious.
There's quite a few places to meet people. Just be social and talk to people wherever you go. I become good enough at it, to where I could meet people in a grocery store or at a convenience store. Not even just girls. You could talk to the male cashiers at a store or restaurant or something and just BS with them a little bit, and get to know them by name. Tell them that you just moved to town and you don't know many people. People love to talk about stuff like that when you ask them. I don't do bars either, only if they've involved me playing or attending a live music gig and by that, I don't mean bar bands.
All in all, I wouldn't worry about marriage just yet. I would just focus on going out with some girls and dating a little bit. If that comes out of it, that's great too. But just do that for a little and see where it gets you.
OP, you should really get some mental health counseling at the VA or privately. You sound like you are suffering from depression or something else.
What make this more obvious is that you have factors that reflect a healthy peak period in your life career wise but you can't see beyond the blue.
And as for relationship wise, first get yourself a dog to cut the edge out of loneliness. Next know that no matter how relationship-less your 20s were, you can turn that around without any problem In fact, many guys dedicated themselves to school in their 20s and bloom in their 30s after it's done. Also, know that it's often perceived that men are at their relationship/dating peak around 36 and have the most options, which is why many mid30s dude find younger wives. Hit the gym and find a group of fiends you can male bond with.
But again, your blues are getting in the way so get that taken care of and take to heart what I said above
Good luck.
FYI, I'm a retired vet and work in the medical field
There's quite a few places to meet people. Just be social and talk to people wherever you go. I become good enough at it, to where I could meet people in a grocery store or at a convenience store. Not even just girls. You could talk to the male cashiers at a store or restaurant or something and just BS with them a little bit, and get to know them by name. Tell them that you just moved to town and you don't know many people. People love to talk about stuff like that when you ask them. I don't do bars either, only if they've involved me playing or attending a live music gig and by that, I don't mean bar bands.
All in all, I wouldn't worry about marriage just yet. I would just focus on going out with some girls and dating a little bit. If that comes out of it, that's great too. But just do that for a little and see where it gets you.
Where did you meet girls in the past?
College, grad school, military, bars/clubs, through friends. I've met women at grocery stores in the past too.
The problem with this is that it's rare to meet good ones this way.
In any event, I'm older now and all of my friends are settling down, even the ones that I thought were undesirable. But I'm still alone.
I worked so hard and have a career. I have good friends (even though they are mostly in other states and have separate lives). I could join clubs, but how do I know that I'll ever meet someone? If I do, how do I know that I won't screw it up like I have in the past?
It's funny. I've done so many things in my life that others consider difficult, but, to me, this is and has always been the most difficult thing in my life. Romantic relationships have never been easy for me.
OP, you should really get some mental health counseling at the VA or privately. You sound like you are suffering from depression or something else.
What make this more obvious is that you have factors that reflect a healthy peak period in your life career wise but you can't see beyond the blue.
And as for relationship wise, first get yourself a dog to cut the edge out of loneliness. Next know that no matter how relationship-less your 20s were, you can turn that around without any problem In fact, many guys dedicated themselves to school in their 20s and bloom in their 30s after it's done. Also, know that it's often perceived that men are at their relationship/dating peak around 36 and have the most options, which is why many mid30s dude find younger wives. Hit the gym and find a group of fiends you can male bond with.
But again, your blues are getting in the way so get that taken care of and take to heart what I said above
Good luck.
I think it's common for everyone to go through depression like this at some point in their lives, maybe I'm wrong though. But the counseling might not be a bad idea either, if you're open to it.
You can also maybe meet some people at work. Maybe you could develop friendships with some of the people there. It's always an option.
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