Did i make a huge mistake in letting my partner go, due to her wanting a child? (boyfriend, marriage)
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Listen dude, you sound a tad childish. What with all this "soulmate" business and now this silly game. Grow up a bit and move on. You are certainly not cut out to be a father.
You two are not compatible in a major area which is of life importance to her. So stop dragging out the painful messy ending and get on.
Exactly.
1. women are not attracted to men who grovel, stalk them, or keep these communications open "just in case."
2. please re-train your brain OP with regards to the "soulmate." It is hindering your ability to let go and move on.
Two people can love each other and still be incompatible. I'm sorry you are hurting--breakups are awful--but it's not going to do you any good to wonder about how her plans will shake out in the future.
I'd also advise against the card and recording any future phone calls.
I hope you are well. I am male and would love any advice as i am in pieces currently.
I am 41 and my now ex-girlfriend has just turned 38. Neither of us has children yet. She very much wants one child. We have been in a relationship for around 18 months and are / were very much in love with each other. She is my soulmate and i am hers and we wanted to be with each other for the rest of our lives.
She said early on that she is set on having a child and that given she was 36 when we met, time was not on her side, which i agreed with. I have never been hugely keen on becoming a father myself. I can see a lot of the joyful parts of being a parent, but also the commitment and stress have always worried me and if i am cut out for it.
We dated and i think each of us thought that the other person would end up coming round. I even went to see a counsellor 4 times to get to the root of why i am not family orientated as i really wanted to get around this issue and have a future with my girlfriend. I love her so much.
My girlfriend even said that she only wanted my child so badly, she would consider asking for my sperm and getting a legal contract drawn up if needs be.
Sadly we broke up on Monday, as she said she needs to now move on for good and achieve her goals. We are still very much in love and it hurts so much.
I cant help thinking i have done the wrong thing and let go of such an amazing woman. I am thinking that i could have a child with her, and it will all work out. The only way to be with her is to have a family with her.
Have i just made a huge mistake?
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolf39us
Is that really a fair assessment though? He did say that he could see himself having a child with her. At the early point in the relationship, this is what the assumption was. It became clearer over time that this is not what he ended up choosing. He even attempted to get professional help. It is clear he wanted to *want* what she wanted, but couldn't in the end.
It's hard to fully blame him or her in this case.
I stand by my post. He wasn't honest. He hoped she would change her mind.
I don't see him admitting that he was honest with her. Regardless, this is a major deal breaker in any relationship. Children should be loved by their parents, even if they only have one parent....there is no room for wishy washy parenting. Glad she was adult enough to do the right thing for her own sake.
This is such a sad situation, but really, I agree with the people saying it would never work out if you forced yourself to have a child with this woman just to make her stay. That love would cool off FAST in the wake of lack of sleep, fighting over new expectations, the stress of more or less having been forced into a commitment you didn't want, and...it would all have just fallen apart.
It's better that you left now and have the pleasant, happy memories to look back on, and to take you forward into a new relationship, than that you'd have ultimately have been ripped apart, hating one another, with a child in the middle.
That's an interesting point. Sometimes people do come around. On the other hand, it would suck being a kid who has a parent who resents having a kid in the first place.
Did your dad come around to the point where you felt like he was present and caring in your life?
My brother never wanted kids, and he and his wife agreed when they married that there would be no kids. But that was before her mommy hormones kicked in full force. He resigned himself to the inevitable, and now he can't stop bragging about his (now grown) kids. He adjusted to the new reality, and eventually, rose to the occasion of being a good parent. Some maturing had to happen in the process, but it worked out. The kids are happy and successful in the work world.
My brother never wanted kids, and he and his wife agreed when they married that there would be no kids. But that was before her mommy hormones kicked in full force. He resigned himself to the inevitable, and now he can't stop bragging about his (now grown) kids. He adjusted to the new reality, and eventually, rose to the occasion of being a good parent. Some maturing had to happen in the process, but it worked out. The kids are happy and successful in the work world.
I am glad this worked out for them and that they are happy. This is a happy story. Good to hear one once in a while in the midst of so many troubles on the board!
My brother never wanted kids, and he and his wife agreed when they married that there would be no kids. But that was before her mommy hormones kicked in full force. He resigned himself to the inevitable, and now he can't stop bragging about his (now grown) kids. He adjusted to the new reality, and eventually, rose to the occasion of being a good parent. Some maturing had to happen in the process, but it worked out. The kids are happy and successful in the work world.
My best friend and his wife did not plan to have kids. In fact, she was miserable during the pregnancy because she didn't want kids, but her beliefs wouldn't allow her to end the pregnancy.
Sixteen years later, their daughter is the center of their existence.
Clearly, parenting is not for everyone, particularly if the maturity is not present. But the fact is, we humans tend to make assumptions about ourselves that we then discover not to be the truism we believed. I'm thankful it's happened to me time and time again.
Yes - I know it sounds crazy but- as i knew the final few days were here before she cut all contact, i recorded some last conversations so i can listen to them.
Marachino - good point, are you saying that me and her were not soulmates, because if we were - she would not have chosen motherhood over me? Would she have sacrificed her dreams for her soulmate? Is the fact that she sacrificed me, proof we were not soulmates?
Ralph, also a good point. I hadnt thought of that angle, it hurts but good to know.
She has completely cut me adrift now. Emails and numbers blocked. It is as if the last 18 months never happened. I wonder if she is even missing me now.
If any of you have ever gone through this, then you can confirm how hurtful it is to feel so powerless from losing this person because the one thing that would bring her back - give her a child- is the one thing you cannot get on board with as you are not built like that.
She's trying to move on. You need to do the same. It's best for both of you since you couldn't agree on having a child and it was a deal breaker for both of you.
i do love her very, very much. i have never felt this way about anybody.
you asked me why i wont give her a child if i love her this much? i have always had an issue with the total lifestyle change of having children.
it isnt as if i dislike kids. i dislike bratty kids but i like polite children.i also just dont have an innate desire for a child. i am sure ill be a good father, its just i dont wake up and think " i need a son "
You are right. My ex used to say that i would be ok around our baby as she would be by my side all the time.
BUT the stress, lack of sleep, less freedom, etc would get to me eventually no matter how much i tried, and i know i would have got resentful in the end due to having a child i never truly wanted.
Yes it is very, very painful to let her go as we do love each other a lot
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This is a happy story. Good to hear one once in a while in the midst of so many troubles on the board!
