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I hope you are well. I am male and would love any advice as i am in pieces currently.
I am 41 and my now ex-girlfriend has just turned 38. Neither of us has children yet. She very much wants one child. We have been in a relationship for around 18 months and are / were very much in love with each other. She is my soulmate and i am hers and we wanted to be with each other for the rest of our lives.
She said early on that she is set on having a child and that given she was 36 when we met, time was not on her side, which i agreed with. I have never been hugely keen on becoming a father myself. I can see a lot of the joyful parts of being a parent, but also the commitment and stress have always worried me and if i am cut out for it.
We dated and i think each of us thought that the other person would end up coming round. I even went to see a counsellor 4 times to get to the root of why i am not family orientated as i really wanted to get around this issue and have a future with my girlfriend. I love her so much.
My girlfriend even said that she only wanted my child so badly, she would consider asking for my sperm and getting a legal contract drawn up if needs be.
Sadly we broke up on Monday, as she said she needs to now move on for good and achieve her goals. We are still very much in love and it hurts so much.
I cant help thinking i have done the wrong thing and let go of such an amazing woman. I am thinking that i could have a child with her, and it will all work out. The only way to be with her is to have a family with her.
Have i just made a huge mistake?
Possibly. My dad never wanted a child, but my mom had other ideas. However, I'm sure he feels differently now and is grateful to have a daughter. Not that I'm saying your ex is right. She's rushing to have a child now because she waited too long for reasons I'm not aware of. I think she should've made it more of a priority before she turned 36 if it was that important to her. If it's a situation where she just couldn't find the right guy all this time, she's silly to leave you now.
"I KNOW that it would have never worked either way though, and it's just the way things had to be."
Wolf - that is the one thought i am using to get over her. She would not have been happy with my childfree life, and i would have not been happy to be a parent.
We would have split anyway had we compromised.
But then when i think about her and how amazing we felt around each other - that is so hard to forget . I wish i knew if she is even a little bit upset.
Possibly. My dad never wanted a child, but my mom had other ideas. However, I'm sure he feels differently now and is grateful to have a daughter. .
That's an interesting point. Sometimes people do come around. On the other hand, it would suck being a kid who has a parent who resents having a kid in the first place.
Did your dad come around to the point where you felt like he was present and caring in your life?
But then when i think about her and how amazing we felt around each other - that is so hard to forget . I wish i knew if she is even a little bit upset.
It's super hard, but it's just the way it is. I hope to one day find someone as awesome as she was that has the same childfree goal in life as me!
But she is partly to blame to getting involved with someone who was not all in in the first place.
Indeed, but he wasn't all out either.
He DID say he was in therapy about it, which gives the impression that change may be imminent. Perhaps she waited for the outcome of that.
Who knows?
Bottom line... they are better off not being a couple.
But then when i think about her and how amazing we felt around each other - that is so hard to forget . I wish i knew if she is even a little bit upset.
Unless a person is a sociopath, everyone feels bad about breaking up. As a matter of fact, don't be surprised if she ends up contacting you (you should prevent that, though by blocking her from any contacts you have).
Whether she feels bad or not is irrelevant, though.
That's an interesting point. Sometimes people do come around. On the other hand, it would suck being a kid who has a parent who resents having a kid in the first place.
Did your dad come around to the point where you felt like he was present and caring in your life?
My dad has always been present and caring in my life. We get along great. I only know that he didn't originally want children because my mom told me. Of course, he didn't want any more so that's why I'm an only child.
She was more honest than you she told you the truth going in. she was smart to call it a day. Leave her alone now.
Is that really a fair assessment though? He did say that he could see himself having a child with her. At the early point in the relationship, this is what the assumption was. It became clearer over time that this is not what he ended up choosing. He even attempted to get professional help. It is clear he wanted to *want* what she wanted, but couldn't in the end.
It's hard to fully blame him or her in this case.
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. I wish i knew if she is even a little bit upset.
