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Look, I know kids. I adore my own, BUT they will do this "helpless" "I just can't do it right" act as long as it takes for you to grab the rag from them in frustration and do it yourself. Because cleaning sucks, you know it sucks, they know it sucks but they also know you're tired and more willing to give up and do it yourself (they're not stupid, trust me) than stand over them and tell them step by step, over and over again how to do the job correctly.
But you have to...or they NEVER WILL "do it well" (or even passably). They just won't. No normal, average kid is dying to clean and will do a crack-up job of his or her own accord, reliably. But if you don't grit your teeth and teach them to do this now, then inform them that you have showed them X times and the next time they give a lick and a promise and run off when you KNOW they are capable, then they will have Preferred Activity Y taken away, it will all be on you, for the duration. Like until they're 25 and finally find that job and move out.
Don't offer to pay. Go the opposite route. Calmly take away preferred activities if they do not do their chores right.
Recently my littlest asked how he can earn more money than his allowance. I wanted to do a chores chart. My husband said this was a BAD idea. He said chores should "just" be done. We just do them. So should the kids. We all contribute to the mess. He was right about that and indeed, the moment I suggested we might do a chores chart for money, I had asked for my littlest to get me a little coffee while he was going to the kitchen and he asked if I would give him a quarter for it as a chore. That was going to be a freaking disaster, I knew it from that very second. Ultimately, they were NOT going to wind up doing FREAKING ANYTHING, down to a simple favor of a refill while they were in the kitchen anyway, unless I handed them money. NO. It was going to be: "I don't want a quarter or a dollar badly enough, so meh, I'll leave all the mess to Mom today." I'm afraid that never would have worked out for me. N to the ope.
Kids do chores because they're living, breathing humans who make messes and, just as with adults, living, breathing things that make messes are obligated to pitch in and clean up. Period.
My kids are 10 and 13. The 13-year-old is intellectually delayed and autistic. The 10-year-old is lazy as hell. They have penises which, as any sitcom or TV commercial will tell them clearly, is an automatic exemption to be a slob while mom laughs and shakes her head ruefully and gets the Swiffer herself. Nope!! I absolutely do not overwork my kids, if anything they have very little to do, but what they have to do...I expect, not hope, not pay for, but expect them to do. They bring in laundry for me. If they just toss it down wherever, I tell them to bring it over and put it neatly into the basket. They groan, and do it. If they spill, they clean up. They must do their hair, teeth and pits and wash up correctly. They do their homework in a timely way (something that simply did not happen until I put my foot down and, against exhaustion, demanded immediately after school...or no Wii...end of story, no discussion). They bring the garbage cans in from the curb on Thursdays. They bring in the full grocery bags. When I do a "big cleaning" they Windex, sweep, vacuum, etc. (that's more rare) and no...it isn't always show-room quality the way I like it. But it's acceptable.
If you have no help in the house, that's on you...your children are not toddlers. A five-year-old can carry her clean shirts, socks, undies and bottoms to her drawer and put them in. She can set a table. She can physically wipe a counter (maybe not to show-room specs, but she can, come on). We all must start somewhere, or else it's on us for not teaching our children the simplest self-care and responsibility. I am not saying that to be mean. I had to go through all this myself and was knackered and depressed and felt I lived to clean. I still do the majority of the cleaning but your kids can help, period, unless you fall for their foot-dragging and don't make them.
Yup. My kids have an age-appropriate level of chores. All electronics, sleepovers, fun activities are on lockdown until they are done.
How much homework can a five-year-old have no matter what...even if she makes up her own homework?
Fine, then the homework is the preferred activity, apparently. So if she doesn't do her fairly easy chores that you will now be giving her, such as wiping the bathroom counter, you take away her extra attorney homework. She isn't allowed to do it and that's it. But it's not all bad news - if she goes ahead and UNCOMPLAININGLY does her VERY EASY chore, bingo! She is THEN allowed to go crack the law books.
I wonder if you're serious, but just in case you are, the above actually is a fully serious answer.
No she is 12. My 12 year old has homework. She has straight a's. I am supposed to tell her she can't do homework until her chores are done? Really? I have never wanted to discourage her from school work. She knows she needs a scholarship to go to college.
We don't really set the table. I throw out paper plates on the table and everyone grabs one. We went to disposable after the dishwasher broke. I have not had time to take it apart to attempt to fix it.
We have one tv, with a DVD player. No cable. I have a laptop for finance stuff and school project, but we are in a rural location so Internet is not unlimited. I don't allow her to use it often or unsupervised.
I have not seen a tv show since last year before I cancelled cable. The last movie I watched at home, was probably June.
She has a friend that sometime comes to our house, but not very often. Once every 3-4 months.
Quote:
What do you do when they don't care about anything like this?
My 12 year old eats and does homework.
One more time:
The homework is apparently the preferred activity. Your 12-year-old can sit at the table with no books or distractions of any kind, just looking at the wall until he is good and ready to do those darned chores. As soon as he gets sick of this and gets up and does the chores, here is his reward: NOW he gets to go off and do homework.
If he figures he'll get the better of you as punishment for actually demanding that he pull his weight like any normal, functioning member of society, and sits starting at that wall until bed time to just "show you" that he won't be doing what you want...period, and comes home smugly with a note from the teacher that he did not do his homework and is in danger of failing, calmly send an email to the teacher explaining you highly value education but that your child literally likes to do nothing else but homework, this is his ONLY preferred activity, therefore this is the route you MUST take in order to teach him that he must pull his weight and be responsible and that she should go ahead and take whatever punishment measures at the school she must, while you also take consequence measures at home. And you just see how many times he decides to pull this fast one on you. He will be over the little game RIGHT QUICK, let me tell you, and reaching for the damned rag to do the 90 required seconds of wiping.
Now, onto your innocent "but we don't do any of the things you listed, JerZ" innocence (I wonder where your children learned helplessness? Hmm), I am sorry to say that I feel like I'm the one talking to a child right now. But I will outline everything in a very literal way just as I would with a child, in hopes that it will be more understandable to you.
If you do none of the above chores-wise, what DO you do that's taking up so much time? We know about the counter-wiping. That's one. Unless all of the rest consist of lifting heavy objects or operating buzz saws, the kids can, to their age level, help with whatever those are.
Better? Make sense now?
You complain all your time is tied up in chores. *Whatever those chores are* are the chores you should be giving, at least in part, to your children (IOW, for example, the five-year-old probably can't do all the dishes herself, but she can wipe while you wash, or put away just the dishes on the lowest level while you reach the higher ones).
So your kids don't do the electronics stuff. Again, I feel like I'm talking to a child here...you are making excuses and deliberately pretending you don't understand the gist but I'll try to be patient. Whatever your kids do like to do, that is the preferred activity you do not deliver until the chores are done. If that's homework, then...no homework until the chores are done. If it is sitting staring at a blank TV from disconnected cable, then fine, no staring blankly at the TV with the disconnected cable until the chores are done. If it is having a friend over every 3-4 months, then fine, playdate scheduled for January 2017 now canceled unless the chores are done by whatever-time tonight. And so on.
If you simply refuse to do any of these normal parenting things (consequences and rewards; teaching children to care for themselves and their surroundings) then I don't think we can help you and you being just "busy, busy, busy" and literally not having the time to place pressure on a towel over some fallen toothpaste is on you, honey.
What do you do when they don't care about anything like this?
My 12 year old eats and does homework.
What would I do? Put the homework and extra credit on lockdown until the chores are done. I do it to myself when I get too obsessed with school. Yes, schoolwork is very important, but so is picking up slack around the house.
The homework is apparently the preferred activity. Your 12-year-old can sit at the table with no books or distractions of any kind, just looking at the wall until he is good and ready to do those darned chores. As soon as he gets sick of this and gets up and does the chores, here is his reward: NOW he gets to go off and do homework.
I am sorry to say that I feel like I'm the one talking to a child right now.
If you do none of the above chores-wise, what DO you do that's taking up so much time? We know about the counter-wiping. That's one. Unless all of the rest consist of lifting heavy objects or operating buzz saws, the kids can, to their age level, help with whatever those are.
Better? Make sense now?
You complain all your time is tied up in chores. *Whatever those chores are* are the chores you should be giving, at least in part, to your children (IOW, for example, the five-year-old probably can't do all the dishes herself, but she can wipe while you wash, or put away just the dishes on the lowest level while you reach the higher ones).
So your kids don't do the electronics stuff. Again, I feel like I'm talking to a child here...you are making excuses and deliberately pretending you don't understand the gist but I'll try to be patient. Whatever your kids do like to do, that is the preferred activity you do not deliver until the chores are done. If that's homework, then...no homework until the chores are done. If it is sitting staring at a blank TV from disconnected cable, then fine, no staring blankly at the TV with the disconnected cable until the cores are done. If it is having a friend over every 3-4 months, then fine, playdate scheduled for January 2017 now canceled unless the chores are done by whatever-time tonight. And so on.
If you simply refuse to do any of these normal parenting things (consequences and rewards; teaching children to care for themselves and their surroundings) then I don't think we can help you and you being just "busy, busy, busy" and literally not having the time to place pressure on a towel over some fallen toothpaste is on you, honey.
Whatever happens from here, good luck.
Ok I see where you are confused. My 12 year old has a strong personality. If I told her she was not doing homework until she did a chore, she would just say fine and not do homework or the chore. She only does want she wants to do. I have not made homework an item because I do want her to do it and get good grades. She will need them to get a scholarship, because I won't be able to pay her tuition.
Kids need immediate consequences, my telling her the unplanned friend visit won't happen next time she asks, will be meaningless. Plus I already say no to many of these visits just because I have too much already without watching other kids.
I am still looking for the thing that she "cares" about. Most of the fun stuff we do, is stuff I drag them to do because they shouldn't sit home and I want them to have experiences.
What would I do? Put the homework and extra credit on lockdown until the chores are done. I do it to myself when I get too obsessed with school. Yes, schoolwork is very important, but so is picking up slack around the house.
Her other favorite argument is that the house is my hobby and brings me joy. Not her. She did not choose to move to a big house. I can't win right now with her teenage attitude. And she has the 5 year old picking up the attitude. He will help with outside chores.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Hope she develops some extracurricular activities, music, sports, theatre, arts, volunteering, or something if she wants one of those scholarships. Grades aren't usually enough in admittance.
What do you do when they don't care about anything like this?
My 12 year old eats and does homework.
What are her chores?
My Gson is 14. He does his own laundry, keeps his room clean to his standards, will take out trash, etc. usually have to tell him to, he can also cook his own food but I usually cook and will wash his dishes but there are still tons when I cook even when I wash as I go. But there are just some things he cant do to my satisfaction, mowing comes to mind. Even with his help I still seem to be constantly having to clean, pick up, etc. I think most of it though is the running. We leave the house at 6 a.m. and usually dont get home till 6 p.m. on a good day. Then Im just tired and dont feel like spending all my "free time" doing chores.
Hope she develops some extracurricular activities, music, sports, theatre, arts, volunteering, or something if she wants one of those scholarships. Grades aren't usually enough in admittance.
That is an argument also. She did dance from 2- 10, I made her drop out because of money and they won't let her back in now because she missed two years of lessons.
I make her do 4-H but that is also more my thing and she does not care either way.
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