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OP, he lied about the small amt. because as you now know, he was hiding extra income. He probably didn't tell you about the extra income, because he wanted it for some treats for himself. What you can now do, is get a new credit card, so he won't have access to it, and tell him he can budget for his needs out of his extra income (if it's a monthly thing). He no longer needs your credit card to buy socks or a new shirt, or whatever, because he's making enough to cover that himself. He also has plenty of money to completely eliminate his CC debt; there's no earthly reason to only be making a minimum payment. That makes no sense. He could easily be making twice the minimum, or ever 4 times the minimum. The card would be paid off in about 6 months.
I don't know what to do about the lying, though. It sounds like he's not fully on board with the family effort, the expense-sharing, doing his share. Maybe he got tired of always being close to maxed out, and gave himself a few little binges once the extra pay started coming in. Anyway, all you can do it talk it out with him. If he's not forthright, then you have a different problem. You may need couples counseling.
I agree that his card should be paid off by now, I too don't understand how it's not paid off yet. It's been almost 3 years he's been paying it off for..
I really need to get to the bottom of his lying. I thought we had a good system going and truly believed he was being honest about his earnings. I think we might need counseling too, I've bought us self-help books since I know we need better communication, but he never got around to reading them :/. So maybe an actual counselor might help.
Given that he's keeping $400 to himself and apparently has discretionary income, there's absolutely no reason for him to have a "$500 dollar credit debt" and be paying the minimum continously for years. I don't think he's just bad with money, he's clearly taking advantage of the situation and doing nothing to help his situation. And well, OP, you're enabling it.
If the conversation went down exactly the way you've depicted in the OP, I'd have alarms blazing as there's way too many red flags. Is he normally this manipulative? Does he normally play games and mentally f### with you? There's a bigger situation going on that you don't know about yet, it seems. I'd just not do shared finances with this guy, cut the shared cards and split ALL the cost in half.
This. The question is not only why hasn't he told you about the extra income, it's: why has he not used some of the extra to pay down his card? That's a red flag. He's been pretending to you that he's chronically broke and that he can't afford to make more than the minimum, when in fact he could pay it off completely in short order.
It's a little disturbing. My guess is that the child was unplanned, so you two unexpectedly wound up in this situation, and you decided that he could work part-time, so that there wouldn't be child-care costs. Even though your income isn't all solid, predictable income; it's dependent on commissions. Might it have made more sense for him to be the primary bread-winner, if he has a trade certification, and could be making good money, while you did your commission work part-time?
The plan is to have him keep working part-time to come up with his half of the rent until our baby starts school. He has a trade certificate already and can get a good full-time job NOW if he wanted.
I think everyone thinks I'm here upset that he doesn't work enough or has no goals or ambitions. He does. It is MY choice that he works part-time, he and I have discussed it plenty and he seemed happy with out current arrangement. And we always discuss that if he can give me more than just the half of the rent is super helpful for our remainder bills, so the responsibility doesn't fall only on me.
My sole reason for my post was about his lying of his earnings. I'm not complaining about his part time job, I'm complaining that he is lying to me about his earnings and keeping some for himself.
You do understand that all this is linked, though, right?
This. The question is not only why hasn't he told you about the extra income, it's: why has he not used some of the extra to pay down his card? That's a red flag. He's been pretending to you that he's chronically broke and that he can't afford to make more than the minimum, when in fact he could pay it off completely in short order.
It's a little disturbing.
Not just that, but while they're quibbling over the $60 dollars and he throws in her face that it was supposed to be rare romantic opportunity that he could "never afford". Clearly he could, but he never did it. When you have the OP saying she's having to sacrifice things because all the money goes to bills and the home, he's busy spending almost $400 on his hobbies and crap. Apparently nary a thought about gifting the OP some cash so she can enjoy whatever.
All this plus his arguments doesn't point to an emasculated male, it points to a self-centered user.
Given that he's keeping $400 to himself and apparently has discretionary income, there's absolutely no reason for him to have a "$500 dollar credit debt" and be paying the minimum continously for years. I don't think he's just bad with money, he's clearly taking advantage of the situation and doing nothing to help his situation. And well, OP, you're enabling it.
If the conversation went down exactly the way you've depicted in the OP, I'd have alarms blazing as there's way too many red flags. Is he normally this manipulative? Does he normally play games and mentally f### with you? There's a bigger situation going on that you don't know about yet, it seems. I'd just not do shared finances with this guy, cut the shared cards and split ALL the cost in half.
I agree that he's not doing anything to help his situation. He used to pay the minimum and then immediately max out the card again...I eventually made him stop using the card. I told him he needs to pay it off first. I think he only makes the minimum payment because he has to.
I don't mean to enable him, I thought I was getting most, if not all, of his earnings - which is why I give him full access to my cards so he still has money to spend. And he's good with my cards, he doesn't splurge, just uses them for the necessities...but after today's discovery I can see now WHY he only uses my card for the necessities, he has some side cash.
Yeah, I actually am aware of the bigger situation you're talking about. It was a huge fight, where I almost left, a few months ago... He always makes me feel like I'm crazy when I voice any concerns to him. He's not usually like that EXCEPT when I have a concern. He's such a great guy otherwise, but when I have a relationship issue I want to resolve, it always gets turned back to me.
You bringing it up actually reminds me we never resolved that issue, we sort of just put it aside..
Not just that, but while they're quibbling over the $60 dollars and he throws in her face that it was supposed to be rare romantic opportunity that he could "never afford". Clearly he could, but he never did it. When you have the OP saying she's having to sacrifice things because all the money goes to bills and the home, he's busy spending almost $400 on his hobbies and crap. Apparently nary a thought about gifting the OP some cash so she can enjoy whatever.
All this plus his arguments doesn't point to an emasculated male, it points to a self-centered user.
That's right; that was highly manipulative and dishonest--more lying. The situation just goes from bad to worse, as it develops. I wonder if he's even up for supporting a family; if he had a full-time job, how would that change their dynamic? Would he even be ok with supporting a child? We don't know what this guy's real thoughts are, and neither does the OP. Uncovering all this means that suddenly, she doesn't know what to believe and what's fake in the relationship and their arrangement.
Yeah, I actually am aware of the bigger situation you're talking about. It was a huge fight, where I almost left, a few months ago... He always makes me feel like I'm crazy when I voice any concerns to him. He's not usually like that EXCEPT when I have a concern. He's such a great guy otherwise, but when I have a relationship issue I want to resolve, it always gets turned back to me.
.
That's called "gaslighting". Look it up if you haven't heard of it. It's an aggressive act: a form of psychological abuse, actually.
This guy either doesn't have the will, or lacks the skills, to solve problems together as a couple. Either way, you have a major issue as far as contemplating a long future together goes. He may be wonderful when life is going smoothly, but you need someone who can bat with you as a team when the going gets tough, or even when there are somewhat minor setbacks. He's not on your team.
This. The question is not only why hasn't he told you about the extra income, it's: why has he not used some of the extra to pay down his card? That's a red flag. He's been pretending to you that he's chronically broke and that he can't afford to make more than the minimum, when in fact he could pay it off completely in short order.
It's a little disturbing. My guess is that the child was unplanned, so you two unexpectedly wound up in this situation, and you decided that he could work part-time, so that there wouldn't be child-care costs. Even though your income isn't all solid, predictable income; it's dependent on commissions. Might it have made more sense for him to be the primary bread-winner, if he has a trade certification, and could be making good money, while you did your commission work part-time?
The child was actually planned, this had always been the plan, for him to work part-time. It makes more sense for me to work, I got pretty lucky with my job and make a decent wage. Even with his certificate, he would make less money than me if he took a full time position.
After the fact though, I have doubted his readiness to have a family, even though we had discussed it beforehand. Which is why we're in the situation we are now.
Sorry for all the bad news, OP, but it does seem like the situation is more serious than you'd thought, originally. It seems like you hadn't connected all the dots until posting here. Whatever you end up doing in the long run, I hope it works out for the best for you and the child.
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