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Backstory:
I met this woman early last month at Meetup event, without really intending to. Here's how. There was a trivia contest one night. Next day, I find a Meetup message from a woman named Kate (not her real name, for privacy's sake). It said just one thing: "Hi, did you have fun at the trivia?" I reacted with what I call "intrigued skepticism", considering that it's highly unusual for women to do this. Not to mention I didn't remember talking to or sitting at a table with anyone named Kate. But after checking out her profile and her other Meetup groups, my spidey sense didn't go off, and I felt safe writing back to her. Which I did much later that day, to avoid seeming eager. After exchanging a few messages back and forth, I asked her to meet for drinks after work. She agreed, and we met four days later.
I don't know how much romantic chemistry there was, considering I still had residual skepticism about her when I showed up for the date. But Kate seemed like a really nice person, that I felt comfortable enough to want to see her again, whether romantically or platonically. We even talked it out on our second date, if you could call it that, and decided to just be friends for the time being. I immediately thought it was code for "let's be civil but leave each other alone". But when she later texted me and invited me to go contra dancing, which I never heard of but enjoyed when I tried it, I realized that her friendship offer was genuine. Which I found endearing.
Current story:
We've hung out quite a few times after that. Mostly at Meetup events, but also informally, both one-on-one and with her friends. Now this is where things get a little strange. During our hangouts, regardless of other people being present, we tend to drift into flirting-type behaviors, despite having talked and agreed to just be friends. It's usually things like unusually affectionate hugs, grabbing each other by the hand, play-wrestling while sitting on a park bench, cuddling a little during a movie, raunchy jokes, etc. The flirting ends there and doesn't go beyond this point---after all, we did agree to be friends---although we joked about going farther, like when Kate asked me: "What would you do if I made out with you?", and I said: "no, I'd make out with you" while pretending to get in her face.
So what do I make of all this? Is there any romantic interest on her part, or is she just an affectionate friend? (I don't mind the latter, believe it or not.) I haven't noticed her acting that way with her other friends, men or women. She seems more affectionate with me than even with her best friend (female). I have a few other women friends (more like Meetup acquaintances), and the most we've done is friendly hugs and dancing together, neither of which I consider romantic. On one hand, me and Kate mesh well personality-wise. On the other hand, she lives far from me and has nosy roommates, both of which can get in the way of a new relationship. Which I'm gun-shy about getting into in the first place, for personal reasons that are beyond the scope of this thread.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 09-13-2016 at 09:32 AM..
As a woman, I would not act that way with a guy if my intention was only friendship. And if I were you, while fun, I would not like the confusion of what her intentions are. Ask her out using the word date specifically and see where it goes from there.
I can see where you're coming from, but it doesn't seem like anyone's being misled. She was honest about just being friends, and I don't act like those guys who keep pushing for more. It's true that she's cute and fun, and the flirting feels good, but she brings enough to the table as a friend, that I'd be happy either way. Maybe she's just an affectionate type, I don't know.
That's the problem, you don't know because she's saying friends but acting like more than. What does "friends for the time being?" even mean???
I really do not care for mixed signals. If you're okay just being her friend, then I would pull back on the flirtation and devote that energy to women you'd like to date.
That's the problem, you don't know because she's saying friends but acting like more than. What does "friends for the time being?" even mean???
I think it's another way of saying "friends first, and then we'll see". (English is her first language.) Either way, I keep things in perspective: enjoy the friendship for what it is, flirting and all, while remembering not to use it as crutch.
Back to the original topic: is it normal or common for male/female friends, both straight, to flirt with each other?
I think it's another way of saying "friends first, and then we'll see". (English is her first language.) Either way, I keep things in perspective: enjoy the friendship for what it is, flirting and all, while remembering not to use it as crutch.
Back to the original topic: is it normal or common for male/female friends, both straight, to flirt with each other?
Not sure why no one else is chiming in, but what you describe, overly affectionate hugs, cuddling during movies, play wrestling, no, can't say I've ever done that with a male friend, let alone a near stranger I met a month ago. Just keep perspective and hopefully she's not playing games.
I think that she's interested in you romantically, at least a little. She may be as confused as you are, because although you said you'd just be friends, you're both being fairly flirtatious. Since you like her well enough, and have fun with her, why not just see where it goes? You don't have to make any big declarations.
She took the first step in contacting you. I doubt she would have done that just to be friends.
It sounds like she would like to be more than friends, but she doesn't want to be the one to make the next move.
She made the first move and her flirting is indicating it's your turn to take the next one.
The fact that she flirts with her friends around tells you she likes you and is not ashamed to show that in front of others. She probably is less flirty when you are alone, because she is aware of your agreement to be friends and is nervous.
It sounds like she would like to be more than friends, but she doesn't want to be the one to make the next move.
She made the first move and her flirting is indicating it's your turn to take the next one.
I'd certainly take a chance.
Only repeating this part of it. I don't think someone does this type of thing unless she is cautious and wants you to make more moves...or...is just the kind that wants you to do so she can get a boost to her ego at your expense.
You're the one that's around her and knows more of what is going on so we probably can't tell you which it is.
This means either she wants you to be more than friends with her or that she is a huge game-player and tease.
If it was me, I would have an upfront talk with her about what is going on and whether or not she just wants things to stay in the platonic realm.
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