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Old 09-21-2016, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Jupiter
10,216 posts, read 8,285,738 times
Reputation: 8628

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I wouldn't care how much a woman liked me if she wanted me to change who I am she'd be gone in an instant.
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Old 09-21-2016, 04:20 PM
 
Location: Hyde Park, Los Angeles
1,544 posts, read 921,329 times
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Don't change, unless you want to. Point Blank. Don't try to change others either, otherwise that becomes a volcano about to erupt.
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Old 09-21-2016, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Jacksonville
2,822 posts, read 1,921,155 times
Reputation: 3074
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
I try to change all my bfs with eating habits. They usually all eat unhealthy and I try to get them to eat better.


Is this really a bad thing to want them to be more healthy so they don't die on me?


Or he complains about stuff and I tell him that if he changes xy in his daily routine, this condition will improve. He doesn't want to change but keeps complaining ... to me! So ....?????
I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

Personally, I do not eat healthy, though I don't eat really unhealthy either. I count my calories, just so to maintain my weight. But I'd eat a few slices of bacon, as soon as I'd eat a bagel with jelly. The bagel (with no butter) might be equal in calories to the bacon, though the bacon will have more fat and cholesterol.

I find that if someone really likes you, they might start to change certain habits on their own. Especially if you don't push them. My fiance was a smoker when I met her, which might be a dealbreaker if my interest level was not very high. She still hasn't completely quit, as she falls off the wagon from time to time. But she's no longer an every day smoker (except for E-cigs) and I never once asked her to quit. She told me she always wanted to quit anyway and that her mom and sister quit.

My dad always used to say how he quit smoking when he was 17, after starting to date my mom, who is a non-smoker. He eventually did start smoking again, after they were no longer together.
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Old 09-22-2016, 06:37 AM
 
4,828 posts, read 4,271,640 times
Reputation: 4766
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
I try to change all my bfs with eating habits. They usually all eat unhealthy and I try to get them to eat better.


Is this really a bad thing to want them to be more healthy so they don't die on me?


Or he complains about stuff and I tell him that if he changes xy in his daily routine, this condition will improve. He doesn't want to change but keeps complaining ... to me! So ....?????

Personally, I think it is. I tried it in the last year with an ex, because we were both putting on weight. It ultimately just ended up being another strain on our relationship. If we had 2-3 years under our belt, I think it would have been a much easier process to implement. She was an emotional eater and had a lot of stress going on between debt, work, grad school, and her parents upcoming divorce. I just saw her a few weeks ago and she's a bit bigger than she was when we were dating.


The person has to want to change on their own for it to actually work. Otherwise, you're just "forcing" them to do something they don't want to do and that could cause resentment to enter the equation on down the road.


I'm a much better eater now, since I've lost the weight. However, if I'm on vacation I will eat a lot of crappy food. I'll either exercise 2-3 days while I'm on vacation or I'll hit it hard the first week or two I'm back home to get the vacation weight off.


I also think you're dealing with the double edged sword too. Someone who wants to lose weight, but steadily complains about the process. Those types of mentalities are hard to change, not because they can't change, but because not everyone has the patience to deal with that kind of mindset. My experience in those situations has always been that you have to be patient, because you will deal with several setbacks before they can get stuck into a routine. A relationship that has some time under its belt can better navigate those situations, than a relatively new relationship where the person actually does feel like they're being changed.
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Old 09-22-2016, 06:48 AM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,883 posts, read 30,185,296 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I have been doing some self reflection lately to figure out why my relationships end. And from that, I have realized that with the exception of one love in my teen years, every single man has tried to change me.

For example, one thought I was too fat, another said I was too skinny. Another said I was too needy and yet another said I was way too independent and strong willed. He wanted someone more affectionate and cuddly.

Regardless, the goal is too be happy with yourself. Why do people try to change others in relationships? Shouldn't you accept ones quirks and flaws, if you choose to date them? What is this behavior that causes one to try to mold another person into someone else?
well yes, your on the right course, but you've got to continue to self relect and figure out why you pick these men to love. Someone who really loves you is not insecure, which is what these men are reflecting, which are all bad...

if they are dating you and tell you your too fat, or too skinny, wow? They do not love you, nor are they marriage or relationship material. They are apparently trying to mentally abuse you to make themselves feel more important. You deserve more, much more.

So, I would suggest, you dig deeper, perhaps into your childhood, your parenting even to figure out why you are choosing men who are controlling, demeaning, who are definitely insecure, and mentally abusive.

Yes, the goal is to be happy with yourself, however, a confident mentally stable person wouldn't want to change you, they would love you for who you are.
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Old 09-22-2016, 07:18 AM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,883 posts, read 30,185,296 times
Reputation: 19077
Default Warning: If your dating someone who is married!

I thought of this recently b/c of what has happened to Angelina and Brad....

Brad I believe, and correct me if I'm wrong, was married to Jennifer, and cheated on her with Angelina, b/c they were doing a movie together.

Now, if this was true, and I believe it was? How could Angelina ever trust him again.

I would suggest, any woman who finds out the love of her life, was or is married, while you were dating, and he lied to you, leave the relationship, b/c there is a very good chance he will do the same to you.

When we met, we started dating. He didn't tell me he was married, until months later. I sent him packing, but he came back, and said he had left her. Which he did, so I gave him another chance.

After years of marriage, I found out he was cheating, and for a time, thought perhaps, or shall I say, I wanted to believe it was a once and done situation, but unfortunately it wasn't, he had been cheating on me with other women for quit a while.

I left him, and he tried very hard to get me to return to him, however, 3 days after I left him, he bought another woman to our home.

He called me and called me, and during that time, my step father was dying of cancer. He made me promise that I go back to him and work it out, that he didn't believe my husband was running around. My step father was a good man and loved my now ex very much.

My ex was a master at lying, sister actually thinks he was a Pathological Liar? And they are convincing, believe me.

He even planned a trip to Niagara Falls for us to reconcile...I didn't know it then, but now know, he was still running around, with his now, wife. And, he has called me over the years since then.

He was told by his uncle, to pick a decent woman for a wife, to give her anything and as long as you never admitted that you were running around to anyone, it was ok to do so. (or at least that is what he told me when we first met, which should have been a huge flag) But I didn't think he believed it. His father also ran around and the mother actually made a scrap book for his father. His father would send pictures home to her, of the women he was with and she'd put them in the scrap book? And it was perfectly acceptable within their family culture?


So, I definitely know he was doing the same things to me, in other words, he was calling his ex-wife while most likely running around with other woman.

My point is, if you are dating someone like this, and you think you are so special, and that he loves you so much so, he has changed, do not believe it. This is in fact a pattern.

You deserve so much more. The mental abuse these people inflict is dangerous...the mental abuse he inflicted during all those years were tough, and he never admitted to any affairs, however, a family member and his best friend advised me to get out...and I did...

So, simply wanted to warn anyone who is dating someone, look for the flags, don't ignore them b/c you "think" your in love or you want to be a couple so badly....

These people will hurt you, and sometimes the scars don't ever heal.
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