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Old 09-19-2016, 07:28 PM
 
Location: So Cal
51,934 posts, read 52,342,630 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
That's Maya Angelou. If Oprah said it, she was quoting.

It's a great quote.

It's definitely May Angelou that said that line. Oprah was big on parroting it back to people.
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Old 09-19-2016, 08:44 PM
 
10,340 posts, read 5,828,560 times
Reputation: 17879
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123 View Post
Long story short. I met a man off an dating site that lives in a different country. We are both middle eastern so we are basically from the same culture. When we started getting to know each other we felt good about each other for he first time and how both of us were happy that we met one another. He had a whole lot of time at that time and he wasn't that busy with his job. So we basically talked, texted, video chatted everyday.
He might be married or in a serious relationship. He might disappear for months at a time, because like you said: He's unstable. Do you know to what extent? If not that leaves the door wide open. What if he spends a couple of months at a time in jail, or prison. Maybe he spends a couple of months at a time in rehab or is involved in heavy drug use, off the wagon. This may be an extreme example, but maybe not. Who knows? You don't really know him even though you seemed to have developed a relationship on your end. When you haven't spent a lot of time with someone in person, you don't know what their world is like.

I really enjoyed your use of "dropped me like a cold turkey" it has a humorous visual. You've wasted too much time on this non-boyfriend, learn from it and just move on. One day you'll look back and be glad!

Now go find someone who's FUN to date!
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Old 09-19-2016, 08:50 PM
 
Location: NYC
1,869 posts, read 1,330,389 times
Reputation: 594
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123 View Post
Hi, this is my first time on this forum and I was hoping to get advice, because I don't know how to handle my current situation. I will try to make the long story short. I really appreciate it if you don't go off bashing me off or telling me I just need help and a bit of support so I do thank anyone who responds.

Long story short. I met a man off an dating site that lives in a different country. We are both middle eastern so we are basically from the same culture. When we started getting to know each other we felt good about each other for he first time and how both of us were happy that we met one another. He had a whole lot of time at that time and he wasn't that busy with his job. So we basically talked, texted, video chatted everyday.

I stepped up a month after telling him how I felt about him. But the feeling wasn't mutual, so I decided to give him more time and our friendship time for it to develop on it's own, but as months went by as it was getting hard for me I did tell him my feelings for him were getting stronger but he always brushed it off. This went of for a couple of months.

It was hard for me being in this friendship with him but I feel hard for him. And still nothing from his side. As a couple of months went by he would pull the dis-appearing act with me and comes back when ever he wants then he would reappear again in my life and I didn't think much of it. He became busy with his job so I tried to be understanding enough and let him be. His disapperaing act continued for a year. He was always on/off with me a lot and I was getting fed up with with. He once dissapared on me for 2 months comes back as if nothing ever happened.

And I did move on once and gotten into a new relationship because I thought he wasn't serious my previous relationship only lasted for a month.
And we weren't talking at that time because he always done this vanishing act with me. And we weren't talking at that time. After my relationship ended we've always find away back to each other. I'm 36 he's 47. As soon as I come and get closer to him he always dissappears on the worst time and takes off for week a month or 2.

What his problem is I don't know. He said he was unstable in his life I just didn't know to what extent. I had gotten so fed up with him because I felt like we were wasting time for nothing and told him in the beginning of summer that he knows how I feel about him and that I love him and if he does not feel the same way then let's go our own seperate ways. I told him I'd give him a couple of days to think about things and let me know. 2-3 day's later he calls me up tells me he has feelings for me, loves, me likes me and think we are a perfect match for one another.

he has hinted about wanting to have future plans with me but never actually get into a real conversation about it. And this isn't something that I want to talk over the phone or text about and would rather have this type of talk face to face once I see him. I suffer from depression and didn't tell him when we started to get to know each other because I had so many reason's and to why I didn't want too. I couldn't get through to him he wasn't taking my phone calls he wasn't answering my texts I was on a verge of a break-down I told him in an the email this is what I suffer from I need a month away from him and I will explain things to him later when thing's have calmed down with me.

He seemed careless, heart-less not the man I once knew when we first started getting to know each other, I started noticing that instead of him making any effort to call me or text me I was dong it more myself than him. And this is a man that told me he's not looking for fun with me. I have trust issue's. I was hospitalized for 2 days for having a nervous break-down, horrible anxiety attack, with 2 weeks out outpatient therapy I've been through hell with him. After I came out of the hospital I emailed him one last time asking him where we stand, nothing, then I got pissed off saying your nothing but a user, that his intentions was never good, that he lead me on thinking something was there, that he played me for a fool, that he never cared and so much more.

I found out that he went back on the same dating site where I met him on and became a full member I was horrified that how he moved on that fast without a heads up. And that he dropped me like a cold turkey. I was making plans to go and visit him at his home country and I honestly didn't mind doing that. When I was making plans he turns around and tells me something really childish and something stupid and I said forget it. It took me a month and a half to recover from everything and till this point I still am. But this is not fair with the way he treated me because no one ever deserves to go through something like this. You tell a person you have feelings for them and love them and this is the way you leave things. I honestly was shocked to my very core. Why, would you tell someone that and drop them like cold turkey and turn you back away from them ?

I don't know what I did wrong. I honestly don't. We have not spoken in 1 month and 19 day's and if he were to come back around I honestly wouldn't know how to handle it. My folks do know I am talking to someone they don't know the recent problems I have with this man. And that it has gotten this far. I don't know why I'm even protecting him. I know I shouldn't. I guess what I'm asking for is some sort of advice if he ever does comes back what should I do but he has done it once to many times. Thanks to anyone who's reading.
Are you even sure that he is single?
With so many and long absences it is possible that he is even married.
Do not want to rain on your parade, but his behavior is very sketchy.
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Old 09-19-2016, 09:04 PM
 
15 posts, read 7,453 times
Reputation: 10
I never asked him to change. That's not my call. I've never made any requests. I just once told him to stop with what's he's doing. Yea, well as hard as it is I'm trying to move on. But that's difficult to do when you have so much anger towards that person. Believe me I'm trying to move forward with my life. I've even blocked him through incoming emails, and took his contact off my phone.




Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
If you are not happy with your partner's behaviour, and you make several reasonable requests for them to change it and they don't.

Either a) You just have to accept it and live with it.
or b) Move on.

Considering you have never even met him and therefore don't have a relationship I would suggest option (b).


You are wasting your life waiting for something which is not going to happen
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Old 09-19-2016, 09:10 PM
 
15 posts, read 7,453 times
Reputation: 10
1) At first he tried, but towards the end he just didn't make any effort to make any sort of contact, nor call or text. If I wanted to talk to him just for 5 minutes I asked him nicely please call me. And that itself lasted for a month before he dropped me and left.

2) If I didn't say anything in the beginning of summer it would had gone on this way for a long time. we started talking of August 2015 he confessed May 2016. Seriously. I knew something was off just didn't know what it was. That's when he said he has feelings for me, loves me, and thinks were a perfect match.

3) That's the problem I don't know if he even cared at all.






Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
First rule of thumb: The longer it takes to explain a relationship problem, the less likely you'll be able to solve it. If this is your 'long story short,' it isn't going to get any better.

But to help out, remember these things:

1) I don't care how busy someone is. If he really care for you, he'll find ways to talk to you, however briefly that might be.
2) A person who doesn't reciprocate on confessions of love, even months later, does not love you.
3) If he says he doesn't care about you in that way, take that at face value.
4) Follow your heart, but bring your head along for the ride.

In short, cut your losses. I don't care how long you've invested in the relationship. Spending one more day worrying about this guy won't make things any better.
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Old 09-19-2016, 10:04 PM
 
539 posts, read 562,334 times
Reputation: 976
It's pretty clear he just wanted to be acquaintances. Push someone, bombard someone, BEG someone long enough, and they'll say almost anything just to get the offending party to stop pestering them. That's what it looks like happened. He wanted someone to relate to him outside of his normal life, outside his stressors, and you made it out to be way more than it was. After however long he's said he doesn't have feelings for you, you tell him you suffer from depression and panic attacks and was apparently hospitalized just because you couldn't reach him. Now he's up craps creek with you, who knows what you'll do next, and the only way you stop your emotional roller coaster is for him to tell you exactly what you want to hear. You stop the craziness, he feels a little better too now that he knows you aren't going to do something even more drastic, he gets back to his normal life, and you're now stuck actually believing the one time he says he loves you when EVERY OTHER TIME he says no, platonic all the way.

Advice? Exactly what you said you didn't want. Talk to a professional to try and figure out why you did that to yourself.
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Old 09-19-2016, 10:07 PM
 
15 posts, read 7,453 times
Reputation: 10
[quote=Matadora;45540359]Hi,


1) That's the problem is that I didn't know he he felt about me. He's almost 50 and yet has a problem with expressing his feelings. Seriously a 50 year old man that's just a little bit hard to believe. I thought sense this was something new I give it a little bit of time for him to come around. I didn't see it as harm. 2

2)
He never mentioned that feeling is not mutual. Just got the feeling of him brushing it off. I got the feeling that it wasn't mutual. Because he's not an open person as I am.

3)
I would just wait for him to make contact the day's he wasn't busy. So I waited around. I'm not saying he hasn't. He did but in his own way.

4)
Like I stated above he never said anything about not being mutual. He never talks to me about how he feels, or his wants or his needs. We have poor communication every time I would communicate with him it would be like hey how is your day, how your doing, how is the family but never get into serious conversations with me. Or not showing me if he wants to get to know me. Which is what I questioned myself like does this man even want to get to know me. Because he's never asked about my education, or what are my hobbies or interests. I though when 2 people want to get to know each other they ask each other these questions. But with him it was odd.

5)
I get with what your saying, if he's that unstable then he wouldn't throw out tiny hints about future. If he's that unstable then he wouldn't had mentioned these.

6)
Like I told you he's a confusing man. And he's almost in his 50s come on you should have had your life figured out by now. If he's that unstable he shouldn't even joined a dating website for that matter. And not lead someone on.

7)
How would I know if he was or wasn't. If he wasn't interested he wouldn't had thrown little hints about future.

8)
Yup, and honestly having the future talk is not something that I would like to do over the phone, or texting, or video chatting. I haven't even met the guy yet and he's already talking about the future with someone he hasn't even met. When I try to knock sense into him that let's see each other first then make your decision afterwards if this is going to continue or go anywhere for that matter don't have the future talk with me when you don't know anything yet or haven't even seen me yet. Here I am trying to be the mature one here and actually trying to make him see the mistake he's making and yet he does not want to see it. Do you see where my problem is here. Why, would you make future plans with someone whom you haven't seen yet. Or talk about it for that matter. He drops these hints but never get into an actual conversation about it. That's why I was holding off to even have that conversation with him until we would met face to face. I'm not a psychic to see what goes on in his mind. He never opens up to me. That's why I took the first time in telling him about having feelings for him. Hoping that if I did then eventually he would come around. What more can I do. I've tried. Really have. Was getting sick and tired of these minds games with him. If I'm wrong in any form please do tell me if I'm mistaking here.

9)
Yea, that's what I'm doing for the time being. I just cant and wont handle it for the time. I already have issues of my own and take on more problems in my life I can't go down that road again.

10)
My nervous break-down was due to the cause of his back and fourths and throwing me off the loop and his crazy behaviors as to the hell he's put me through the past year. I've never told him about my nervous break-down. I don't releive to much about myself. I opened up just a little bit and this is what I get back in return after trying to be there for him as far as emotional support when he was going through his tough times at that time and I don't get squat back in return. I've told him that I am very sensitive person so he was well aware of it.

11)
All I know is that no person deserve to go through emotional hell. I do take my responsibility in all this really do. Fact of the matter is that he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions and wrong doings. Your right I should had. Your right I never met this man. I wanted too. To get to know him better and to see what his real intentions are. Funny, thing is that he told me once is that my intention is not bad with you. When he told me and confessed to me a year after the way he feels about me he also mention that well we need to see if our hormones match. I knew he was talking about sex. I'm like are you kidding me right now. Why, in the world would you bring something like this up and you tell me it's not his intention to hurt me. How the h...... do i know that's not the case. It can always happen can you guarantee that to me. And you expect me to take your word on that. If I were with him and we were in a relationship I know sex is a big part of it I wouldn't mind. Seriously, telling that to someone whom you never met. I just didn't get into it with him because I didn't want to argue with him.

12)
Yea, well at least I would had liked a heads up that he'd be moving on not finding out through that stupid website. I asked a month away to myself and this is what I find out. My nervous break-down was not about reaching him. I think i did explain it a few paragraphs above.

13)
I tried to stop it in the beginning of the summer of this year. I told him if he didn't feel the same way he should had been honest with me and told me and let by gone be by gone and part way's that was when he confessed to me. Why, he said it. I don't know. I don't know if he actually said these things for me to hear what I wanted to hear from him or really coming from him. And really is difficult for me to take him seriously because of the so many different things I've heard coming from him of the past year.













Quote:
Originally Posted by Matadora View Post
Hi,

I am just going to respond to a few key points that you've mentioned.


Perhaps you should have accepted that he did not feel the same and let it go at that vs. telling him again months later only to have him brush it off a second time.

He said the feelings were not mutual and even brushed you off when you continued mentioning it to him, perhaps his disappearing act was his way to put a stop to your continued non-mutual attraction to him.
How exactly did you try to be understanding?
Just curious as to why you would continue participating in this online relationship when he tells you that his feelings are not mutual and he continually disappears?
When a person tells you they have an unstable life this should tell you that they are not interested in forming a meaningful relationship with anyone.
You were certainly wasting your time on a person who had told you in more ways than one that they were not mutually interested in you.

I find it odd that you would give him an ultimatum, when he had already established the fact that he was not interested.
He only hints but then refuses to have an actual discussion about it? Are you starting to see a pattern here?
I am sorry you suffer from depression, however it might be best to refrain from dating until you find better ways to cope with your depression.
This is not good behavior to display with anyone you are trying to establish a romantic relationship with. What adult male would want to get involved with a women who is emotional to the point of having a nervous breakdown simply because she can not reach him? Especially when he has indicated through his behavior, and avoidance to have real discussions about your future together, that he's not interested?
I hope by now you are starting to see a very clear pattern in his behavior.
This sounds like much more than trust issues. You have never even met this man.
Are you really surprised at this point that you did not hear anything back from him?
You certainly have a right to feel pissed off, but more importantly, I hope that you can take responsibility for your participation in this situation. You should have walked a year ago as soon as he told you that his feelings for you were not mutual and even more so after he brushed you off with your continued vying for his affection.
I am surprised that you were horrified at him becoming a full member on the site where you met. He dropped you like a cold turkey most likely due to your nervous breakdown when you let it be known to him that you lose it when you can't reach him.
I am sorry to say but you brought most of this bad experience on yourself.
I hate to break it to you but he could not have treated you this way if you had not allowed it. If you had walked away a year ago when he said the feelings were not there you would have avoided all of this. Hopefully this is a huge lesson learned.
There are all kinds of cruel, heartless, lost souls out there...the best thing you can do for yourself is learn how to identify them.
I hope after reading my responses you now realize what you did wrong.
You would be wise to avoid him at all costs. There is nothing good that will come from communicating with him again. Let the pattern speak for itself.
What you should do is work on your self esteem, and never allow yourself to continuing pursuing a man who tells you that his feelings are not mutual, brushes you off when you continue mentioning it, and disappears for months at a time.
I bet he is asking the same thing about you.
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Old 09-19-2016, 10:12 PM
 
15 posts, read 7,453 times
Reputation: 10
I honestly don't know what he though of me. He never express anything to me. I don't know whether he saw me as a friend or more than a friend he throws out little hints about future but does not actually get into an actual conversation about it. I honestly don't know. So it would be hard to tell when he has a hard time communicating with me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
What I got from your post is he never said he felt romantic about you, only a friend.

Is that true?
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Old 09-19-2016, 10:20 PM
 
15 posts, read 7,453 times
Reputation: 10
I'm not asking to change himself. I don't even know the man to even tell him that let alone telling him how to run his life. I could and would never do that. That's not my place. But for a almost 50 year old man he needs to have more knowledge of what's going on around him and unfortunately he doesn't. When I try to explain to him things to him clearly he does not want to get it and thinks his way of thinking is the right way. He just a hard headed man and thinks everything he says or does is right. I thought things were supposed to be compromising, learning about each other, knowing about what each other wants or needs are. For instance he once asked me if I'm willing to move to his country to work and live there. And I said it really depends if he's willing to compromise. When I see he does not put any effort into anything why even bother. If your saying these are these absences I don't know I actually don't know because I'm not there. I don't know what's going on with him. If other women are around yes I would had liked to be notified and just let him be. I don't know if he's an abuser I never met the man.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
It's not you. You're wasting time waiting around for him to become the person you want. You have no idea what is causing his absences. It could be anything:

Seeing other women
alcoholism
toying with you, because he may have an abusive nature toward women
travel relating to work
indifference, simply using you for amusement when he's bored
periods of depression

It could be absolutely anything in the world. You only know him by what he's chosen to reveal to you online. Better seek out someone more clearly interested, and consistent. You don't need the emotional torment this is causing you. You deserve someone who's more forthcoming.
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Old 09-19-2016, 10:31 PM
 
15 posts, read 7,453 times
Reputation: 10
Like I said before I suffer from depression and bipolar. When it comes down to dealing with hard headed people like this person, yes I loose it because I don't know how to handle being in tough situations. I was taking medication a couple of months ago and I'm not anymore as they were giving me bad side effects. Also I've kept quiet for the past year not mentioning anything to my family about this. The latest problems I'm having with this man. I didn't want too. And I thought I could had handled it on my own. If I didn't go through these emotional disturbance with him yea it would had been easier for me to handle. He had no idea no clue about my condition until I told him just a little about myself. I couldn't get through to him over the phone or text so I just emailed him and told him don't mess with me I'm not in a good place in my life so please give me 1 month away for me to be on my own and I'd explain everything to him later. He was the one that took that information and ran with it. And now suddenly I'm the one with the problem. this past year was hectic with him. Really was and I was taking a turn for the worst. Why, I'm protecting him I don't know. I am getting help and in therapy for my own issues and the only person I speak to about this matter is my therapist. He can be mad, pissed or angry and I still wouldn't care. I know I did not do anything wrong other than trying to show moral support even though it was through long distance and this is the way I end up getting treated by a man that once told me he has feelings for me and loves me, and you expect me to take this lightly ? As far as him being married or having other relationships I don't know. He said he wasn't married because he showed me his place through video and I didn't see any sign of women's stuff there.


\
Quote:
Originally Posted by SassySpice View Post
The #1 problem women have when it comes to romantic relationships is they are in love with the idea of being in love, you are no different my dear. How do you rationalize falling in love with a internet buddy & having a nervous breakdown over someone you never even laid eyes on? He didn't lead you on, you lead your own self on. It boils down to you were his pen pal that's all. For all you know he might be married & the internet is simply a way to entertain his idle time like it is for most of us. Look for a flesh & blood man next time, you're old enough to know better than to allow your emotions to run away like that.
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