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Concluded a several month relationship recently. She let me go, such is life. We aren't (weren't) a very good long-term match, with non-trivial age difference and different family and social goals/background. Short term, we had some great times late summer into fall with motorcycle rides and jaunts in my whoopdee coupe. We parted on great terms, I learned long ago how to lose gracefully as I win and leave 'em smiling, when possible.
The little "lessons" here I found interesting:
- Introductions from friends: thumbs up! This is uncommon for me, past decade or so: I almost-exclusively leverage OLD. It can happen, social circles widen sometimes and if there is overlap, use it. Meetup (site) was involved in widening of mutual friend's social circle, year or two ago. End of the day, guess what: when matched by friends, you've got "references".
- I essentially "picked up" this woman in a bar when I met her (w/mutual friend) and we danced til closing time, because yep: my friend suspected we'd get along. I did this by being "fun" and assertively seizing the opportunity. I can't dance to save my life but neither am I a total clod. She rolled with it just fine.
- Confidence without being pushy won the day, I drove it in a chivalrous manner start to finish because I liked this lady and she's a bits demure, and pleasant, enjoying the attention. I never pushed past her comfort zone, not once. Lead with authority, but listen and be attentive too.
K, then: 1) Lean on friends for intros 2) be fun, not slimy or sexual but also don't be cast into the "friend zone": make your intentions clear, dates are not friend zone! Confidence, fellas. 3) She was impressed, months later at the end, by my "kindness and generosity" throughout which I found quite pleasing. Not to be confused with "weak and a sucker," there's a big difference.
Chivalry = politeness, watching the language, opening doors for ladies, and 101 other etiquette "rules" your mom should have taught you also won huge points. So many guys don't do this enough. These are *lifetime* habits and practices, fellas! I've noted very few women across the decades who do "not" appreciate this behavior in a man.
Any women here offended by chivalrous behavior? Not to be confused with "controlling" by a man, to be clear.
Also: how many intros from friends go on these days, in your observation? I'm thinking online is sweeping a lot of that away, perhaps unfortunately, but must stress as a guy I was *very grateful* to have that mutual friend as a reference. References went far in making the lady comfortable I wasn't a creep. That essentially greased the wheels of our first few dates, we knew enough about one another to both be pretty confident it was a decent match-up.
A definite mildly interesting read to me! I happen to be a 48 yo male, who might be thrust back into the dating scene one day. Long story short, due to a situation beyond my control, and scares me to death! I have all those attributes that "might" make me attractive to the opposite sex, good job, nice house & car, an ex-wife I don't talk to, no ex-girlfriends hanging around, no kids, tall, slim, kind, generous, chivalrous, funny (I think), blah, blah, blah. I sorely lack in the looks department, again that's beyond my control, most likely relegated to one of those who "can't get a date".
I think you make good points. I like what you said about "dates are not friend zone!" This is why it drives me nuts when grown men ask women if they want to "hang out sometime." If you're interested in a woman romantically, and want to get to know her that way and not get friend-zoned, ask her to "go out," not to "hang out."
And yes, I love chivalry. I notice those things and I say thank you, too.
Concluded a several month relationship recently. She let me go, such is life. We aren't (weren't) a very good long-term match, with non-trivial age difference and different family and social goals/background. Short term, we had some great times late summer into fall with motorcycle rides and jaunts in my whoopdee coupe. We parted on great terms, I learned long ago how to lose gracefully as I win and leave 'em smiling, when possible.
The little "lessons" here I found interesting:
- Introductions from friends: thumbs up! This is uncommon for me, past decade or so: I almost-exclusively leverage OLD. It can happen, social circles widen sometimes and if there is overlap, use it. Meetup (site) was involved in widening of mutual friend's social circle, year or two ago. End of the day, guess what: when matched by friends, you've got "references".
- I essentially "picked up" this woman in a bar when I met her (w/mutual friend) and we danced til closing time, because yep: my friend suspected we'd get along. I did this by being "fun" and assertively seizing the opportunity. I can't dance to save my life but neither am I a total clod. She rolled with it just fine.
- Confidence without being pushy won the day, I drove it in a chivalrous manner start to finish because I liked this lady and she's a bits demure, and pleasant, enjoying the attention. I never pushed past her comfort zone, not once. Lead with authority, but listen and be attentive too.
K, then: 1) Lean on friends for intros 2) be fun, not slimy or sexual but also don't be cast into the "friend zone": make your intentions clear, dates are not friend zone! Confidence, fellas. 3) She was impressed, months later at the end, by my "kindness and generosity" throughout which I found quite pleasing. Not to be confused with "weak and a sucker," there's a big difference.
Chivalry = politeness, watching the language, opening doors for ladies, and 101 other etiquette "rules" your mom should have taught you also won huge points. So many guys don't do this enough. These are *lifetime* habits and practices, fellas! I've noted very few women across the decades who do "not" appreciate this behavior in a man.
Any women here offended by chivalrous behavior? Not to be confused with "controlling" by a man, to be clear.
Also: how many intros from friends go on these days, in your observation? I'm thinking online is sweeping a lot of that away, perhaps unfortunately, but must stress as a guy I was *very grateful* to have that mutual friend as a reference. References went far in making the lady comfortable I wasn't a creep. That essentially greased the wheels of our first few dates, we knew enough about one another to both be pretty confident it was a decent match-up.
You got it down! Meeting in real life either by introducing via friends/family or via your social circle are best.
Chivalry is not dead for sure when you want to have a good realtionship with your mate. Be very picky, and only choose to date the one that you're really into with all the quality of a long-term partner.
Great post, OP. I'm a 47-year-old female, and you make so many good points about the lost art of dating. Be open to meeting people in a variety of ways, make an effort, be confident, assertive, attentive, and -- most importantly -- kind, stay positive, and don't be bitter if things don't work out. You sound like a catch! There are some guys on this forum who could learn some great lessons from your example.
My biggest takeaway from your post; be clear with your intentions and don't accept the friend zone as a consolation prize.
I'm very hesitant to let friends set me up. I'm fiercely independent when it comes to getting my own date.
If a girl friend zones me....I cut off all contact. If I have strong feelings for someone who doesnt have mutal feelings, I know I'm ultimately only going to hurt myself in the end by trying in vain to win her over
Great post, OP. I'm a 47-year-old female, and you make so many good points about the lost art of dating. Be open to meeting people in a variety of ways, make an effort, be confident, assertive, attentive, and -- most importantly -- kind, stay positive, and don't be bitter if things don't work out. You sound like a catch! There are some guys on this forum who could learn some great lessons from your example.
If the kids today *don't* do some of these things, I think ladies are missing out on the enjoyable protocols of a man properly courting a woman. I hope they do, I'm not sure. That's how my mom (Silent Generation) taught me (Gen X).
Yeah, I'm not the worst guy in the world, with stable career, money in the bank, manners, and know how to court a lady properly. Couple friends are, I think, trying to get me married off. We'll see how that goes
A definite mildly interesting read to me! I happen to be a 48 yo male, who might be thrust back into the dating scene one day. Long story short, due to a situation beyond my control, and scares me to death! I have all those attributes that "might" make me attractive to the opposite sex, good job, nice house & car, an ex-wife I don't talk to, no ex-girlfriends hanging around, no kids, tall, slim, kind, generous, chivalrous, funny (I think), blah, blah, blah. I sorely lack in the looks department, again that's beyond my control, most likely relegated to one of those who "can't get a date".
Many women don't necessarily care much about looks as much as men do. I heard on the radio about a study in how women were attracted to men found that it the most critical factor was whether or not they had a deep voice. A deep voice was even more important than how tall the man was or what he looked like. I can believe that because I know for me, I was never attracted to men with high pitched voices.
Also, personally when I was dating, I'd date a less attractive man with no kids, over a more attractive man who did have kids. I was pretty serious about finding a man without kids because I wanted us to get a fresh start with our family once we got married. I know that viewpoint might upset some people but that's just how I felt about it.
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