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I'm almost 30 and have being single since April. Before that I was in a 6 year relationship, and before that, when I was in my early 20s everything was way more straightforward - I like you, you like me - we are a couple, or if there were hookups, they were just hookups and no casual dating etc. So, I'm sorry, I am more or less new to this whole dating thing, and for sure sound naive and clueless.
I've been dating for the past 8 months, and got into a few mini relationship through friends' friends and also online dating. But all of them follow the same pattern - a guy acts like he is really into me, we start dating and everything is great, and they basically treat me like a girlfriend, but after a month or 2, they all, out of the blue, tell me, that things between us are getting too serious, they are not ready for commitment, they just want to enjoy the moment etc. It is confusing, because I always thought, that if a man is just looking for sex, he will just call or text to arrange a meeting at his or my place or maybe text something dirty. All of these guys were taking me out on proper dates, were not scared to hug and kiss me in public, sometimes spent entire weekends with me, told me how hard it is to find someone as great as I am etc. etc. and then just suddenly they don't want a relationship (no fights or any issues that I see).
I am a relationship kind of person and don't really like casual sex, so I am very careful about who am I dating. I'm not looking for a super hot or super rich guy. All of them seemed like very nice guys genuinely interested in me, we clicked, had things in common, similar sense of humour etc., yet it seems like it doesn't work.
I'm not sure, if everyone has commitment issues today and just prefers casual dating, or am I doing something wrong. I'm not pushy or clingy, we usually see each other one or twice a week, and I'm not asking for more, and just keeping myself occupied with friends, family and hobbies. I never fight or complain about them going out with their friends. I usually have sex after several dates, and have fun whenever I see these guys. 2 weeks ago I met a new guy, who also seems into me, and I like him too. But I'm scared that the same thing is going to happen again.
Guys, what makes you commit to a woman, and what scares you away? Girls, what do you do to make a man to date you only and make them be more serious about you?
After 1 month, they say things are getting too serious? When you've only been seeing them once or twice/week? How serious can things get in such a short time? That sounds very odd. Did you ever ask what they meant by "too serious"? Did you expect any kind of commitment at the 1-month mark or 6-week mark, other than exclusivity? Do you have any idea what they were talking about at all? lol That's much too early for a long-term commitment; that's still the getting-to-know-you stage, usually. We're talking 6-10 dates, roughly, right?
At what point do they tell you how hard it is to find someone like you, blah blah? Does that happen within the first 3 dates? The only thing I can think of is that the "too much too soon" rule may be a factor; they get (or pretend to get) too jazzed about you too soon, shower you with compliments, maybe an expensive gift early on. If that's going on, they're playing you. They're getting what they want out of the deal (sex, a few good times), and they're moving on.
The crude, low-life guys will send you sex pix and will try to set up sex on the first date. The smoother guys will pretend to sweep you off your feet, feigning infatuation, and then will ghost on you or make excuses once they get the prize.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 10-31-2016 at 11:04 PM..
After 1 month, they say things are getting too serious? When you've only been seeing them once or twice/week? How serious can things get in such a short time? That sounds very odd. Did you ever ask what they meant by "too serious"? Did you expect any kind of commitment at the 1-month mark or 6-week mark, other than exclusivity? Do you have any idea what they were talking about at all? lol That's much too early for a long-term commitment; that's still the getting-to-know-you stage, usually. We're talking 6-10 dates, roughly, right?
Well, the last one is the only one we have actually talked. After 2 months he started going on and on about how great am I, and how he doesn't see and doesn't want to see anyone else, and how he only has 1 day off a week and wants to spend it with me. We met online, and I suggested we delete our profiles then, and he said no problem and did right away, then told me that I'm his girlfriend now. 2 weeks after we were supposed to go away for the weekend. The day before he sent me a text canceling all the plans telling me that things are fine, but his heart is not in this relationship. That he thinks he is looking for something else, and our relationship is getting too serious, and he is just not ready for that.
So how long do you think is getting-to-know-you stage? Sorry if I sound like a clueless idiot at my age, but I've been off the market for way too long, and have no idea what's going on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
At what point do they tell you how hard it is to find someone like you, blah blah? Does that happen within the first 3 dates? The only thing I can think of is that the "too much too soon" rule may be a factor; they get (or pretend to get) too jazzed about you too soon, shower you with compliments, maybe an expensive gift early on. If that's going on, they're playing you. They're getting what they want out of the deal (sex, a few good times), and they're moving on.
The crude, low-life guys will send you sex pix and will try to set up sex on the first date. The smoother guys will pretend to sweep you off your feet, feigning infatuation, and then will ghost on you or make excuses once they get the prize.
Hmmm, that could be the case, actually. Well, it usually comes out in a context, when we start sharing horror dating stories and laugh about them. I usually choose guys who I find interesting to talk to, and I guess I feel a click with and have things in common, so, in their words, they are amazed how much fun they are having with me, and that I'm interesting to talk to. I guess I need to learn how to see which guys are players and which not. I always thought a player is this super hot confident guy who is trying to have sex with you right away. I guess they have learned to hide better... I've read so many articles about how to recognize players and how to see if the guy only wants to have sex, but none of these guys seemed like that. They took me rollerblading, amusement parks, short trips out of town etc. Seems like a relationship to me
Well, the last one is the only one we have actually talked. After 2 months he started going on and on about how great am I, and how he doesn't see and doesn't want to see anyone else, and how he only has 1 day off a week and wants to spend it with me. We met online, and I suggested we delete our profiles then, and he said no problem and did right away, then told me that I'm his girlfriend now. 2 weeks after we were supposed to go away for the weekend. The day before he sent me a text canceling all the plans telling me that things are fine, but his heart is not in this relationship. That he thinks he is looking for something else, and our relationship is getting too serious, and he is just not ready for that.
So how long do you think is getting-to-know-you stage? Sorry if I sound like a clueless idiot at my age, but I've been off the market for way too long, and have no idea what's going on.
Hmmm, that could be the case, actually. Well, it usually comes out in a context, when we start sharing horror dating stories and laugh about them. I usually choose guys who I find interesting to talk to, and I guess I feel a click with and have things in common, so, in their words, they are amazed how much fun they are having with me, and that I'm interesting to talk to. I guess I need to learn how to see which guys are players and which not. I always thought a player is this super hot confident guy who is trying to have sex with you right away. I guess they have learned to hide better... I've read so many articles about how to recognize players and how to see if the guy only wants to have sex, but none of these guys seemed like that. They took me rollerblading, amusement parks, short trips out of town etc. Seems like a relationship to me
Wow, how very confusing. After 2 MONTHS he told you how great you were, etc., and you guys made plans for a weekend getaway, but he cancelled? So, that must have happened shortly after he told you how great you were? One day you're super great, a few days later, his "heart isn't in the relationship?
IDK, he sounds flakey. Who knows?
I guess by my definition, the getting-to-know-you stage is the infatuation danger zone. You think you know the person, you're enchanted with them, but you don't really know what personality issues lurk beneath the fun or interesting exterior. For example, with the last guy, you thought you knew him, but suddenly he vanishes on you, and you have no idea what that was about. Getting to know someone enough to decide whether you want a LTR with them, as in--do you want to move in with them, takes a long time. Getting to know them enough to know if you want sex with them? A shorter time, for some people, or the same length as deciding whether to move in with s.o., for more cautious folks (usually women). It varies. But just 1 month of dating 1-2 times/week isn't enough to know the person, IMO. (Notice that 1-2 months has been the ghost zone for you, indicating that they turned out to be strangers to you, because you have no idea what they were thinking or who they really were.)
Just thinking out loud. I don't know what to say, really. But dating for a month isn't a relationship. It's a dateship. A relationship is when you both size each other up after dating a bit, and decide you want to stick around longer; you decide the person is worth investing some solid time in. The guys you're encountering aren't sticking around after dating you a bit.
I'm sure there will be other opinions about all this, lol! Very strong opinions. It will get interesting.
Maybe they have been down the commitment road and it scares the bijeebees out of them.
You are probably a great catch and see themselves falling for you and they quickly remember when they were down that road. Better cool it off before they fall for you.
OP, I'd caution you against extrapolating your few recent experiences to what "all men" want or need, or that "everyone has commitment issues." Also, against fearing the same will take place with the new guy. It's understandable, but it's not fair. It sounds like things just didn't work out with a couple of these guys, and it probably isn't anything more than that. You're not going to end up in a relationship with every guy you go on a few dates with.
As to your last question:
Quote:
Girls, what do you do to make a man to date you only and make them be more serious about you?
This is a mindset that will lead to more disappointments for you. You cannot "make" someone do anything, nor should you want to. Why don't you try getting to know a guy and letting things evolve naturally and gradually, instead of plotting a strategy for rapid exclusivity?
you said not super rich or super attractive, does this still mean high earners and attractive? If so, maybe these types have a lot of options. Some people are as faithful as their options
you said not super rich or super attractive, does this still mean high earners and attractive? If so, maybe these types have a lot of options. Some people are as faithful as their options
More than some. That's the essence of dating.
The top 20% or so of men on the all-round attractiveness scale can take their pick whereas the average male finds it much more difficult. A higher percentage of women chase those top 20% of men, but locking them down isn't as easy as dating them might be.
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