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This a long story, at least in my opinion. I thank you in advance for making it all the way through.
I work as an Upper-Mid level manager in retail. I met a girl four years ago in the morning on my first day on the job. She was spectacular, everything about her seemed to draw my attention. Her laugh, the way she smiled. Everything. So of course, I had to get to know her. I decided I need to be friends with this person.
I approached her, and tried to make conversation about some work project. This did not go well. Instead of a response I got a near death glare, and I took that as my hint to take off. Fast forwards about a year, the entire time I left her to her own devices, I did my thing got promoted and transferred. On my final day at that location she approached me and we had a rather interesting conversation about various things. No big deal.
A few months after I was transferred back, and we ended up on the same team. Determined to make a better impression than the first time I had talked to her. So, I worked rather hard and eliminated our workload to the point we could talk. Now, let me tell you it is at this point where things take a new turn. We clicked! We have very similar senses of humor, and share some interests. I don't claim to be the funniest person around, but I did, again in my opinion, a rather fantastic job of making her laugh.
A week or two of this and we've become rather close friends. I came to find out she was actually seeing a co-worker, and being her friend I was all about helping it happen. Sadly it has come to my attention that I may have friend-zoned myself there, but not expressing my interest sooner. Oddly enough I did end up befriending the other co-worker as well.
They split up, and it was not pretty. I do feel the need to mention, she preferred my company to his the entire time they were together. That is unbiased mind you. I bring her into my circle of friends in the area and we begin frequenting bars and various other events. Towards the end of the summer we actually end up sleeping together after a drunken confession on my part.
After we did, she and I never quite became an item officially. Neither of us were dating anyone else, nor were we looking for other people. We fell into a comfortable rhythm of being together. People started inviting us as a group to events, and we never really separated.
Turns dark here, skip this paragraph if you do not wish to hear her awful history. One night, we're on couch enjoying each other's company and I ask her if she is interested in becoming an item. At which point she breaks down into tears. Completely blindsided, a crying woman is my one true weakness, I panic. She tells me of her relationship history including several abuses in the past. She's in tears the whole time, holding on to me and telling me these things.
At this point I realize that she has some very severe emotional distress over the situation. So I decide I need to take it slow. She and I go out and do things a dinner, a movie, a night in... Never pushing the issue, letting her work through it working through it together. At this point, people have begun to assume we just are... together. a few more months pass, a year of us together at this point.
She really makes me happy. Knowing I'm responsible for putting that smile on her face. One of our mutual friends pulls me aside one day and tells me that he's noticed how happy she is around me, and how much brighter she smiles when I'm around. Boom, the rush of those endorphin's were amazing, let me tell you. A little later that night, I broach the subject about becoming a couple once again. To which she responds, she does not want to hurt me. She says this in tears, at which point I am a little put out. I do remain strong remembering the last time she was in a serious relationship the awful human being that she was seeing decided the week of their wedding that he didn't love her anymore.
This rough time, I'm in love with this woman, whose still trapped behind the emotional history of her past. She acts like she's in love with me. Calling me to talk all the time, insisting upon meeting up. Creating events for us to go to together. At one point her best friend got in touch with me and yelled at me for over an hour on how I was taking over my..."Friend's" life.
The words never pass her lips. Never. I suspect she's afraid of commitment. I decide to try and tough it out. For awhile mind you. It comes up however, sooner than later. She tells me she doesn't believe in love. Fair, I suppose, right? Things continue as they are, in our better than best friends situation for awhile longer, until one of our friend actually confronts me about putting a ring on my "friend's" finger. Not wanting to paint anyone in a bad light, I accept this. Saying nothing, despite being wounded. My "friend" jumps to my rescue however, and says she is the one that has the commitment issues. We talk about this afterwards, she and I. She reiterates she does not want to hurt me, but insists I am important to her, and she wants me in her life.
We end up having several episodes like this, each time, in tears she tells me she does not love me. After one such episode, which I didn't take so well, she (I was told this by a friend) weeps and tells them she's afraid she's going to lose me.
We are now approaching year two, and we finally have... split for real. She insist she doesn't love me, but wants me in her life. We still spend the night together, we still attend things as a unit, and she still cries when she thinks she's hurt me. Whats more I need her in my life. If I'm regulated to a friend I can accept that, but it hurts when she keeps me so close.
I suppose what I'm looking for here, internet, is some sort of input as to how I should handle this. I love her, and the way it appears to me is she cares for me on a deep level. The thought of her losing me makes her break down. The thought of being the reason she cries kills me. Our friends tell me how much happier she is with me, her family does the same. Am I not enough? Am I missing something? Misreading some of the adorable affections? I don't know. I didn't proofread any of this because I'm absolutely sure if I did, I would erase this and not tell anyone.
I've tried to talk to her, on several occasions about it. She usually shuts down and doesn't talk about her feelings. I'm at a loss for how to proceed. Do I make her choose? Do I just let it all go? Do I try and remain her friend?
She is attracted to guys who aren't available for emotionally healthy relationships. You are the male version of her (and the second person with a thread on here today who is like this).
Dang, why do the younger generations have to make things soooo complicated and emotional!
Go get a damn ring, get down on one knee, and ask her to marry you. You'll have your answer pretty quick!
I didn't read through the threads, so I am sorry for putting you though that again. See, I understand that much. My issue it trying to get around that.
Also, she will say no, I'm certain of that. Unfortunately, I don't think she really is ready for that sort of deal.
My biggest issue is why she wants me so close but keeps pushing me away at the same time. It's an emotional struggle that I can't really deal with. Can I remain her friend?
I didn't read through the threads, so I am sorry for putting you though that again. See, I understand that much. My issue it trying to get around that.
Also, she will say no, I'm certain of that. Unfortunately, I don't think she really is ready for that sort of deal.
My biggest issue is why she wants me so close but keeps pushing me away at the same time. It's an emotional struggle that I can't really deal with. Can I remain her friend?
Some guys could remain friends. You probably can't.
I didn't read through the threads, so I am sorry for putting you though that again. See, I understand that much. My issue it trying to get around that.
Also, she will say no, I'm certain of that. Unfortunately, I don't think she really is ready for that sort of deal.
My biggest issue is why she wants me so close but keeps pushing me away at the same time. It's an emotional struggle that I can't really deal with. Can I remain her friend?
OP, it's obvious. She needs therapy to deal with her past relationship issues. Once she clears that out of her system, she'll be open to fully love you. You can do either one, or both, of two things:
1. Tell her you love her, but that since she's made it clear she doesn't feel the same way, you can't continue seeing her. However, she's more than welcome to come back to you when she decides she can fully commit to you. She knows where you work, it's easy enough to look you up when she's ready, you can tell her. (haha A little humor, there, to lighten it up)
2. Have a serious talk about her relationship issues, and the need for her to heal from her past, so that she can move forward and have happiness in her life. Suggest therapy; perhaps grief therapy or trauma therapy, depending on what it is she's dealing with from the past. She can't go through the rest of her life bleeding about past relationships; she needs to resolve this. Tell her you'll give her a year to work through it with a qualified professional with experience in helping people process past grief or abuse, but make it clear the ball is in her court. Only she is accountable for her life and her issues; she needs to accept that.
Good luck. Your other option, of course, is to walk away and move on to someone without that heavy baggage. Someone happy, well-adjusted, and emotionally available.
I didn't read through the threads, so I am sorry for putting you though that again. See, I understand that much. My issue it trying to get around that.
Also, she will say no, I'm certain of that. Unfortunately, I don't think she really is ready for that sort of deal.
My biggest issue is why she wants me so close but keeps pushing me away at the same time. It's an emotional struggle that I can't really deal with. Can I remain her friend?
The idea of proposin to her is a very bad idea IMO. I think she may run a way and cut off contact.
i don't know your age.
I know what I would do.
It seems the current set hp is actually kind of nice. You have a woman in your life that you are great friends with, conducts herself well enough around your family and friends that they love her, and you two spend the night occasionally.
Based on all that, I would try to enjoy that as a casual situation. How nice is it that you have her to spend time with, have social outings, and some intimacy ?
However, i would scale back. Perhaps only go out ojce or twice a week. In the meantime, persue other women, and try to find one that meets what you are looking for.
This while idea of trying to find one person is really quite hard. In your case, you found one person, but she can't and won't commit to you the way you want. That's how these things go. In 2016, I am kind of on the belief that most people don't actually want to settle down. The idea is nice, and socially everyone is expectedto settle down, but with online dating and 2016 casual relationship hook up culture mentality inferferes with settling down.
It isnt 1950 anymore, it isnt 1975 anymore, even 2000 was 16 years ago. Times have changed, and people are havin more fun these days then most people are aware of.
I know some people will disagree with my post, but IME, I find more people, men and women, are more interested in fun, then specifically settling down.
Of course, if a millionare model walked up to said person, I'm sure they may be swayed to settle down. But until then, or until some people sow their oats welllllllll into their 30's, many people won't settle down. The variety and excitement of the new experience just can't be walked away from.
The idea of proposin to her is a very bad idea IMO. I think she may run a way and cut off contact.
.
I agree with this.
I disagree that most people don't want to settle down. (I can name 1/2 dozen millennials I know, off the top of my head, who got married in their mid-20's, and are doing well.) But that isn't relevant to the OP's case, IMO. His gf has serious issues standing in her way of settling down. She has unresolved pain from the past, maybe trauma, we don't know. She needs to address that.
She is telling you she doesn't love you. You should always listen to what they tell you.
In your opinion, is it because she is incapable of loving you right now or is it because she is desperate to hold on to your friendship, but really doesn't have deeper feelings?
How often do you have sex? Is it every time you meet? Not very often? Does she initiate?
If you don't have sex often OR you always have to initiate and it's not very satisfying, that could provide some insight.
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