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Counseling was on my mind this morning. I don't want to scare her either though, so maybe not right now with the baby being so young. I think you're probably right about neither being 100% committed. I must admit it's hard for me. It would mean, dropping my guard completely. At my age, and with what's at stake here (our kids) that's really tough. My direction has been leaning towards building a safety net for me and the kids and preparing to fight it out in court. It's a horrible thought, but I know the reality of life. Anything can happen.
I forgot to mention that she has been sleeping in another bedroom since our daughter was born. She says it's easier to take car of her without me or our son waking her. I've recently invited her back into the room, but she says it's not a good idea yet. I'm not sure exactly what she's waiting for.
A best case scenario for me right now would be: After the baby is less dependent on mom, then mom comes back to the bedroom. We move our son's bed into his room (it's still in the master bedroom). We get closer in the bedroom. She realizes my investments are paying off and starts respecting me more financially, which leads to more trust. She starts desiring the marriage again and plans the wedding. We sign a pre-nup, tie the knot. She keeps all her investments, but my name goes on the deed for the house we live in. Sex at least once a week and we all live happily ever after.
Whatever else, staying together for the sake of the children is the worst possible thing which you can do.
I was given that advice by an attorney. It was a VERY expensive disaster.
She connived....with the separate finances, jewelry, fancy car, house in both our names even though I made all the payments, dropped her career...and then when my career peaked, she filed for divorce.
Had I left when I knew it was right, it would have been way less costly, and the scene with the kids was a complete mess anyhow. She battled on every issue, and broke the (divorced) family apart such that the children had no father for many years. If I had divorced, it would have been a lot different (50/50). I paid a gazillion dollars in support and bought out the alimony, on top of the cost of the divorce (way up in the six figures). She used the support money to get her boobs done and other things for herself, and the kids got very little--and I had NO say.
Do what you need to do, but don't pretend to be a family for the sake of the children. They know when the love is gone, very quickly, and putting a guilt trip on them is the worst thing you can do.
You lost your condo and moved in with her. Then her house was sold and you both moved into the current home. Correct? My question is: Who paid the down payment on the current home? How much was it? You say she's paying nothing and also say you pay half of the mortgage. Who pays the other half?
You lost your condo and moved in with her. Then her house was sold and you both moved into the current home. Correct? My question is: Who paid the down payment on the current home? How much was it? You say she's paying nothing and also say you pay half of the mortgage. Who pays the other half?
Yes, these are things to consider. If the OP moved into the house but she put down a 20% down payment, I don't think it's unreasonable that he's paying for more of the utilities/expenses. There's been no discussion of who pays for the taxes on the home and the insurance either. Those are usually pretty significant expenses that are probably more than trivial amounts paid on utilities. If the OP is not paying for half the taxes/insurance, I think that's more than fair.
Also, what happens when things break? Does she pay for new appliances? Does she pay for people to come out and do the work to fix things? Again, paying $75 a month for a cell phone is nothing compared to a $10K roof.
You lost your condo and moved in with her. Then her house was sold and you both moved into the current home. Correct? My question is: Who paid the down payment on the current home? How much was it? You say she's paying nothing and also say you pay half of the mortgage. Who pays the other half?
We've moved twice since living together in the 1st house. I have split the mortgage with her on all 3 homes. She used the equity+ her parents matched that amount for the down payment of the newest home. She pays half the mortgage. I did not contribute to the down payment, but I have paid for some of the home upgrades.
Hindsight is always 20/20 funymann. It is what it is now. The lack of sex is my biggest issue right now. I'm getting antsy as all hell.
Er, welcome to the wold of having a newborn AND a small child.
The other stuff, especially the finance stuff, is sketchy. But speaking as the mother of a small baby, who had a fairly lengthy physical recovery, and who also breastfed, which decreases estrogen and makes sex not incredibly comfortable or fun, never mind zapping drive, you're not gonna get a whole lot of sympathy here for, "She gave birth four months ago and our sex life sucks! "
Also, I lived with a BF for five years. When we rented, I paid a share of the rent. When he bought, I paid a share of his mortgage, in effect, paying him "rent. " When we split, it's not like I got money back that is paid into his equity. I got housing for a set rate. It is what it is.
Yeah I can see the sex thing I should probably just back off for now...as hard as that is for me (hard to tell your hormones what to do). She used to want sex so often that I felt like the prude. So maybe I'm just having a hard time adjusting to the post pregnancy time. She wasn't like this after our son though. We had sex often after him.
And for 6-1/2 years I never once complained about splitting the mortgage and I expected nothing in return. This time it was different because when we started looking at houses she made it clear that she wanted me on the title. I was going to contribute as much as I could afford on the down payment. Then, once we found the house her father stepped in and put down a LOT of money. So therefore she put his name on the title with hers and I was bumped out.
I feel ****ty for even caring about that. I wish I could care less. It just makes me feel like I'm not in her circle of trust after 7 years and 2 kids.
We've moved twice since living together in the 1st house. I have split the mortgage with her on all 3 homes. She used the equity+ her parents matched that amount for the down payment of the newest home. She pays half the mortgage. I did not contribute to the down payment, but I have paid for some of the home upgrades.
If you get added to the title, IMO she should have an agreement drawn up that in the event of the home being sold she gets the value of her and her parents down payments off the top. Then any additional money would be split between the 2 of you. That seems fair. Acknowledges her greater contribution, but also acknowledges your paying half the mortgage.
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