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In the past, I had tried to phrase my words very carefully, to implicitly communicate verbally that I have an interest in them, talking about typical pleasantries and small-talk and such, but also trying to add a hint of interest in getting to know them more. Kind of like preparing a verbal lead-in, into asking them out. But a lot of times I also couldn't get over the shyness, so there were also many times where I really, really wanted to ask a woman out, but simply couldn't get enough courage to go through with it. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, it's been a while since I asked a woman out IRL ever since I have stopped all OLD attempts, so now I am trying to resume the IRL method, but am still trying to find the right and proper/effective technique to do so.
You need to drop the script. You're not coming across casual or natural. Toastmasters would be a good place to learn to speak without sounding rehearsed or as if you have a motive.
I very respectfully and politely disagree. It's not that I would ever place people on a looks scale, but I have been told objectively multiple times before by more than one person that they would rate me between 7-8 on a scale of 10, if a hypothetical number itself is required (again, I am not supporting or endorsing rating a person on a purely numeric scale, just stating what I have been told by others).
As far as being obnoxious, I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. Tbh, if you remember what Clark Kent was like from the classic Superman movies, that's pretty much my basic personality, i.e., very mild-mannered. Becoming angry is an extremely rare occurrence, for me. When a person is mean or harsh to me, I almost always get "sad", not "mad".
A thousand rejections with a 99% failure rate is an extremely high number.
Since it is not your looks and it is not your personality, then what do YOU think is going on for all of these women to be rejecting you?
What I would really like more than anything else is for a woman to reciprocate being nice or kind back, when I am also genuinely and sincerely kind to them, sort of or kind of like observing the Golden Rule (it doesn't usually happen though). To have a woman show some sort of kindness, even if she is not romantically interested in me, if that makes sense? Is that considered to be the same as desperation, from a woman's perspective?
Are you also saying that women are not nice to you?
If that is considered as being obnoxious, then how would you suggest trying to meet someone new in the first place? Using your logic above, if a person has to know someone before he can ask her out, then how does he get to know her to begin with? Especially if you don't know anyone you would be interested in regardless, it's almost like a chicken-and-egg problem?
Except it's not, because what people are saying is that you learn something about that person in the context of whatever activity/event it is that you're at. You weren't very specific about what it was that you were doing: was it a class of some kind? Going to watch a game? A concert? Trivia?
But whatever it is, if you are there with a Meetup group or something, you're probably all sitting together, right? So you'll be able to pick up something about the other people in the group by being a part of the conversation. In contrast, if you just charge up to someone within 5 seconds of walking in the room, then she knows that the only thing you knew or cared about was looks. And it's also true in reverse: since she's never seen you do or say anything either, then the only thing she has to judge you on are looks as well.
Are you also saying that women are not nice to you?
Much more often than not, not so much at all -- I would say very rarely. (Admittedly part of it may be related to the geographical where I am residing, as women are not known for being particularly nice here, vs. say the Mid-West where it might be a bit of a different social dynamic.)
Can you give an example of women not being "nice" to you?
Are women in your area not "nice" to just you? How about to other men? Or people in general? Are they also mean/rude to children and puppies? Are they married with families and do they have friends and support systems despite being not "nice"?
A thousand rejections with a 99% failure rate is an extremely high number.
Since it is not your looks and it is not your personality, then what do YOU think is going on for all of these women to be rejecting you?
The only logical thing that I can think of as to why women are near-universally unresponsive to my overtures to reach out to them is due to physical disability -- for the purposes of online privacy, I will not mention all of the specific details, except to say that I am fully-mobile and able to move all of my extremities and limbs, etc. I do generally walk a bit slower than most people and there is some degree of limp. It's the only thing I can really think of, because even though I am shy and introverted, I am still also sincerely very kind, friendly, and respectful to everyone (not just to women to but everyone). If anything, people who know me well have advised me against being "too nice" and not to wear my heart on my sleeve all the time to people in general, as I have sometimes been called a "bleeding heart", of sorts I am reasonably successful professionally and economically, and as mentioned, physical appearance is not an issue at all as my overall looks are pretty good. So that's really the only thing I can think of? That and of course the combined shyness/introversion factor.
Much more often than not, not so much at all -- I would say very rarely. (Admittedly part of it may be related to the geographical where I am residing, as women are not known for being particularly nice here, vs. say the Mid-West where it might be a bit of a different social dynamic.)
I really do say this with all due respect: This is an excuse.
Persons, places and things. They can all change. What remains the same is you and you've got to find a way to deal with it.
I live in what is known as one of the "coldest" places in the US. Yeah, I felt it when I first got here, but what I found was that when I actually *got involved* with things that I enjoyed, over time the freeze thawed tremendously.
Also remember that because someone seems "nice" to a stranger doesn't mean that he or she wants a relationship with that person. Heck, I just wished the meter reader a Happy Thanksgiving. Yup, I was being "nice", but meant nothing other than a simple courtesy to a fellow human being.
You need to make yourself more attractive. Learn how to be assertive, how to communicate better, hit the gym, dress better etc.
If women reject you everytime you aren't simply putting out there your full potential as a man. Not even the most popular, funny, rich and handsome guy is going to be liked by every woman. But if you aren't perceived as a potential mate by anyone it means you need to get better.
Of course you might be failing at approaching them, but to be honest that's probably the least of your concerns. In fact what you say has generally very little importance if a woman decides you are not attractive enough for her.
As someone who has similar issues as the OP, yet likely much older, this makes a lot of sense. I actually hired a stylist to help me with how I dress. Not that I was a bad dresser, just ordinary. So I bought a fitted suit and started dressing better in general even on the weekends. Bought button down shirts with a lot of colors that I never would have worn before. Guess what? I got compliments. Now if I was in a real city, that could have led to more.
Everything else CarGi says makes sense as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann
You are lacking the confidence vibe that attracts most women.
This is what I've realized for myself, and its the hardest thing in the world to change. Requires a lot of work. Start here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas73
If you are comparing your personality to that of Clark Kent, then you've identified an important issue.
Why was it that Lois Lane didn't recognize that Clark Kent was Superman? No, it wasn't because of his glasses. It was because Clark Kent was utterly forgettable. He never made an impression- good or bad- on her. When he spoke, it was always awkward. He wasn't endearing. He just was.
While not getting mad or angry all the time is generally accepted as a positive trait, I think the more pertinent question here is what traits do you have that are appealing to someone? Which goes back to the idea that you should probably focus your energies on groups or events that you are very interested in. Not everyone exudes charisma. For a lot of folks, it takes a while to open up and let down boundaries, so that others can see the "real them". So, my suggestion would be to you to find something that you are passionate about- and find others who share that passion. You sound like the type of person who needs to be in a situation where you are happy and comfortable before you open up. That's not a bad thing. You just need to start working with what you've got.
This just nails it. I also have the Clark Kent syndrome. Might as well just name it that.
Also, it usually takes about 2-3 dates before a woman even starts to get to know me, meaning its one date and done a LOT of times. I'm trying to work on that and be more talkative, ask her more questions, be playful, make good eye contact etc. Its a lot to think about but you have to do all these things.
Personally, I've given up. Its likely just too late for me. But you, assuming you're young, follow the advice these people have given. Do things you enjoy, even if you have to do them alone. Thats what I'm doing now, including traveling alone. My new motto is "get busy living, or get busy dying" (a Shawshank Redemption movie reference). I haven't decided for sure which I'll do, but living for now, as long as I can stand to do it alone that is.
Introverts are at a natural disadvantage in dating, particularly if you are also very reserved with those you finally do choose to speak with. Women want to know that you LIKE them. If you are so serious and reserved that they can't tell that then even if THEY are interested they might just shrug their shoulders and say forget it!
Unfair that men usually have to take the initiative but that's what many women are used to and what they respond to - so not only do you have to initiate you have to make it clear that you are ATTRACTED and that you are interested in DATING, not just hanging out.
If you try to "hedge your bets" by not stating that you want to actually go out rather than "hang out" then you have already doomed yourself to being in the friend pile. You have to lay it all out there and if she says no, BFD! Get over your fear of rejection - keep asking and getting rejected until you don't even care any more...it is purely a numbers game. Remember - you're in SALES - sell yourself.
Exactly! All of this is true!
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I am reasonably successful professionally and economically, and as mentioned, physical appearance is not an issue at all as my overall looks are pretty good. So that's really the only thing I can think of? 
