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I guess the question that I have for men, and esp middle aged men, is, if you really, really liked a woman but weren't in a place in your life where you were ready for a relationship, would you draw it out this long or would you move in quicker to keep her from getting away? I ask, b/c I do talk to other men and there is even another man in our friend group that I know he feels jealousy towards though I'm not sure why b/c I don't flirt with the man--he likes me but is not someone I would date. I'm very careful not to lead men on and I don't flirt with those I'm not interested in. We live in a fairly small community and that would be a really fast way to land a bad name around here and it's not nice anyway.
But this man seems very focused on who finds me attractive and will point it out or make comments about how all the men like me (which doesn't seem to be true in my experience lol). But as for me, I'm sociable but shy and I love to dance, which gets me out there. Him, he only dances the slow dances and only with me. Sometimes he will go dance with a much older woman who is his friend, but that's pretty much it.
And then there's the big question: do men fall in love slowly? My impression has always been that they know within the first 10 min whether they will or not. Or maybe they just know within the first 10 min whether they won't. On our first meeting we spoke for about 5 min and then he abruptly got up and went to another table and began talking to another woman and they later went on a date.
I have a friend group that I go out with most Friday evenings. We've been doing this for about 2 years and in the past few months one of the men began to attend more regularly and seemed like he was singling me out for attention. In the past couple of months his attentions began to be more noticeable to everyone and people started asking me if we're dating. When he began to pay more attention to me, my feelings went from moderately interested to very interested and the chemistry started to grow quickly, for me anyway. Seemed to be so for him also.
The problem is that he's already dating a woman, though he claims that he told her they're not in a relationship but she wants to be in one. Sounds familiar. He started to tease me about going out with him, but never actually asked me so I just leveled with him and told him that while he's highly attractive and all, I'm not interested in dating a man who's going out with someone else, no matter how casual he may view the thing with her.
Meanwhile, one part of me thinks he's just playing with me and another part thinks he has real feelings and every action can be interpreted both ways. Also, he has accused me of playing with him but I'm not. He's teased me about being a female player b/c I dance a lot with different men but I'm not--wondering if he really thinks that or if it's teasing.
I do know that the ex did a real number on him and his self esteem really suffered, but they've been divorced for several years. He still talks about it and I'm thinking he should be over this by now.
So are you getting the picture that I've fallen for this man that I've never even dated or kissed? That's what's happened and I'm embarrassed about it--he just doesn't seem serious enough about me for me to think it would be wise to pursue this but we're embedded in the same friend group and I don't want to start staying home--I'm isolated enough as it is. He has never asked me out but he's teased me about it plenty, and that makes me think he's not interested. He acts like a bashful school boy but I think that must be an act b/c he's very outgoing and popular with women and is generally flirtatious but not a player.
So my choices are: I could stop going out on Fridays with my friends. I could ask him to stop going but then I'd have to tell him why. Besides, why would I deprive him of a good time b/c I couldn't control my feelings? I could declare my feelings, and make a total ass of myself. Could cut contact and always wonder. I could keep going out on Friday nights and fall further and further for this man. I could chill him out till he goes away of his own accord.
The more I see him the better I like him and he gets more glued to my side every time he comes--only dances with me and looks at me constantly, even when he thinks I'm not looking. Once I asked him not to do that and it lasted about 10 min. I tried scaring him away by telling him that I'm looking for something serious and my health condition and that I wait a looong time for sex lol.
On the one hand, it seems to be a relationship that is developing very slowly and we're both enjoying the flirting and teasing, and then I think I must be a real fool and that he's stringing me along. It's one of those situations where I totally knew better and then fell for it anyway. It mainly feels like heartbreak waiting to happen and I'm the type to fall for emotionally unavailable men and I thought I had done enough work on myself to move past that, but maybe not. IDK, what would you all do? (I have bolded the possible decisions that I'm considering in this choice. If you can think of something better, I'd love to hear it.)
I should add that I'd like to take care of this in the most mature and dignified manner possible but not so dignified as to miss a great opportunity if one is possible. Anyway, drama is not my style.
The bolded are key points. Ask yourself if your fear of being wrong is stronger than your desire to be right? It seems he is as interested in you as you are in him, why run from this?
I think that you should simply continue and see what develops over time. After all isn't the whole point of these get togethers the possibility of finding a real relationship?
Stop rebuffing him with negative statements and just be yourself. The worst that could happen is your infatuation will wear off but you still have your friendships and something to do with others.
I'd have to ask you Stepka, why are you even bringing up the word 'love' at this point?
Relax, get to know each other better first...if it turns out there becomes a chance for "better" outside the ballroom.
I truthfully, wouldn't worry too much about a once-a-weeker....sounds too much like a FB or FWB thing unless he calls her something more serious.
Why would you want a guy who is in a quasi relationship with someone else? A guy who is surely out of his twenties, thirties and perhaps forties and keeps women around for convenience, until something better comes along? I would focus on activities that don't involve him. There are guys in this world who are truly single, without any asterisks and caveats. Focus on them.
Why would you want a guy who is in a quasi relationship with someone else? A guy who is surely out of his twenties, thirties and perhaps forties and keeps women around for convenience, until something better comes along? I would focus on activities that don't involve him. There are guys in this world who are truly single, without any asterisks and caveats. Focus on them.
This.
He's told you that she wants a commitment and he doesn't. Yet- he's still with her. I'd not get involved with any person who thought that this sort of thing was "ok".
I'd have to ask you Stepka, why are you even bringing up the word 'love' at this point?
Relax, get to know each other better first...if it turns out there becomes a chance for "better" outside the ballroom.
I truthfully, wouldn't worry too much about a once-a-weeker....sounds too much like a FB or FWB thing unless he calls her something more serious.
I only mention love in generalities and b/c it's what I'm looking for. I'm not interested in indulging in more casual quasi-relationships. Part of that is that I'm in my late fifties now and don't wish to waste time with a Mr. right now. I want to whole shebang. Or nothing. I feel that I'm getting toyed with but can't really tell-- my friends think he's crazy about me.
Why would you want a guy who is in a quasi relationship with someone else? A guy who is surely out of his twenties, thirties and perhaps forties and keeps women around for convenience, until something better comes along? I would focus on activities that don't involve him. There are guys in this world who are truly single, without any asterisks and caveats. Focus on them.
Went on a date with one of them the other night and was bored stinkless. I am trying to stay focused on dating others but haven't met any yet that I like enough to see again. Have thought about putting my POF profile back up but get depressed by the thought.
Oh and here's an example of why I think he's toying with me: got a text the other morning and it said, "If we were hitched, would you cook for me all the time?" (He loves my cooking lol) A male friend said, "Yep, he's just playing you, because you two haven't even had a date yet." Hmm
He is acting like a child, and you're a grownup. It's not sufficient that one woman wants a permanent relationship with him, apparently - his ego requires attention from you as well. Please don't waste any more of your time or energy. He's not boring to you because you never know what he is going to do or say next and because he's being all mysterious. If he started acting normal, he'd be a heck of a lot less fascinating, I'll bet.
I'm wondering if you are turned off by stability and willingness to commit. If so, you may want to investigate why, because these things are necessary for a successful long-term relationship.
It's normal to go on first dates and find there isn't any interest. Finding someone who is interesting and wants the same things as you is usually just a numbers game.
He is acting like a child, and you're a grownup. It's not sufficient that one woman wants a permanent relationship with him, apparently - his ego requires attention from you as well. Please don't waste any more of your time or energy. He's not boring to you because you never know what he is going to do or say next and because he's being all mysterious. If he started acting normal, he'd be a heck of a lot less fascinating, I'll bet.
I'm wondering if you are turned off by stability and willingness to commit. If so, you may want to investigate why, because these things are necessary for a successful long-term relationship.
I have already considered whether this might be the case but there's a couple of reasons why I think not. The first one is that I was married for 23 years. I'd still be married to him if he hadn't come out gay 8 years ago. And no he wasn't flamboyant and exciting like the stereotype--just a regular seeming man and stable. well almost, lol.
Also, almost exactly a year ago I fell hard for a man who was everything I was looking for and he very much wanted a lt relationship with possible marriage. Just not with me apparently. So no, I'm not turned off by instability. I am turned off by men who have nothing to talk about or who don't have a similar sense of humor. It's not a judgment on them but they're obviously not going to be the one.
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So no, I'm not turned off by instability. I am turned off by men who have nothing to talk about or who don't have a similar sense of humor. It's not a judgment on them but they're obviously not going to be the one.
